If you’ve ever heard of - or read - the book The Rules, you might think that playing hard to get is the way to go to win over a man. But does it really work?
If you haven’t heard of that book, basically it was written by a couple of women who wrote down the advice that had been passed down to them throughout the generations. It gives you “rules” for how to catch and keep a man.
While I am not a fan of the book because I don’t like most of their advice, for some people, it might be useful. Because in essence, it is giving you strategies for playing hard to get.
But as an online dating coach in Dayton, I know that these strategies don’t always work.
Let’s take a look at some reasons why playing hard to get may - or may not - work.
Why Playing Hard to Get May Work
If you know anything about psychology, you know that human beings typically want what they can’t have. You have probably experienced yourself – we all have.
It’s probably because, at a primal level, we think that if something is being withheld from us then other people must want to keep it for themselves… so it must be good.
And then there’s reverse psychology. What this involves is tricking someone into thinking you want them to do the opposite of what you really want them to do. And as a result, they’ll do the “opposite” of what you want, which is really what you want. Get it?
You see, humans are very interesting creatures.
So, the “playing hard to get” tactic in dating or online dating may work sometimes. The reason is that if someone feels like they have to chase you, then you must be valuable. And people tend to value the things that they have to work for.
No one likes a needy person. Needy people are a turn-off. So, if you tend to be the type of person who wants and needs a lot of attention, then it is probably in your best interest to play hard to get so you won’t scare people off.
Why Playing Hard to Get May NOT Work
While there is evidence that does prove that people want what they can’t have, there is also another side of the coin.
Playing hard to get in dating or the online dating world can only work for so long. Because, yes, the chase is fun – for a while. But if you play hard to get TOO MUCH or for TOO LONG, then you will be sending the message that you are simply not interested.
If that happens, then your strategy has backfired.
For me, when I was dating, I didn’t purposely play hard to get. However, I am a happy, confident person who has friends and a lot of other things going on in my life. So, I have been told by guys that it seemed like I was a bit uninterested.. but they just weren’t sure. And they found it intriguing.
For example, my boyfriend Joe, the other half of my online dating coaching duo, “Her Side & His Side,” told me that he knew I was interested, but I wasn’t acting like most normal women do. I guess I rarely initiated contact and didn’t act needy. But he liked it, and here we are now in a happy, healthy relationship.
Bottom line: there is no easy answer to the question “does playing hard to get work?” It’s different for everyone. I know if someone tried it with me, I would chalk it up to them being uninterested. Then I would shrug my shoulders and move on with my life.
But I’m not everyone.
I think it’s important to walk that fine line of not being overly needy but still acting like you’re interested. It’s not an easy thing to do… but it’s the best thing to do.
***If you need any online dating or dating coaching to learn how to walk that line, contact me today. I would love to help you find the relationship of your dreams!***
We’ve all been there. We meet some guy and he seems like Prince Charming… at first. But then we get to wondering – is he too good to be true?
Chances are, he just might be.
But sometimes it’s difficult to tell. Even I have had problems deciphering the players from the good men. That’s because players are good at fooling you – at least for a while.
However, they can’t do it forever. Not if you don’t allow it.
As an online dating coach in Dayton, I have see it all. Including a lot of players and people who have been played. So, in my dating coaching, I help my client look out for the signs that they’re getting played.
Let’s take a look at some common behaviors of players when it comes to the dating game.
15 Signs You’re Getting Played
1. His behavior is inconsistent.
Maybe on your first date he told you that he “could stay with you for the next 50 years.” And you might have believed that he meant it. But then, days go by and you don’t hear from him. Ummm…really? He must not be that serious about the next 50 years if he seems really into you one minute, but you wonder about if it’s all an act the next.
2. He never takes you on dates.
In today’s world, the dating game – especially with online dating – has turned into a lot of “hanging out” or “let’s Netflix and chill.” That’s just code for “hey, let’s get together and have sex!” A person who wants a real relationship with you will take you out on actual dates and treat you with respect.
3. He never wants to see you before 9:00 p.m.
This goes hand-in-hand with “hanging out” or “Netflix and chill.” If he’s not taking you out on real dates, then he’s just in it for sex. And let’s face it, if you only hear from him late at night, then you can be sure that all he wants is a booty call. Don’t fall for it.
4. He refuses to define your relationship.
It’s been several months of “hanging out.” But no talk about defining the relationship. No words like “exclusive,” “monogamous,” “commitment” or “boyfriend/girlfriend” has ever come out of his mouth. And if you try to bring it up, he either changes the subject or says something lame like “let’s see where it goes.”
5. He’s not very affectionate.
Unless you’re having sex, he barely touches you. No hand-holding or cuddling on the couch. No arms around you in public. The reason he does that is because he doesn’t see you as his girlfriend. You’re probably even one of many girls in his life.
6. He’s always sexting with you and sends dick pics.
When you’re really attracted to someone, it’s tempting to get excited by some sexting. And even some sexy photos. But if that’s the primary topic of your texting exchanges, then you have a problem. Dick pics do not say “I respect you and want to commit to you.” They say, “let’s have sex.”
7. He shows no interest in introducing you to his family or friends.
You might have been together for quite a while – months or even years. But you still haven’t met his parents, kids (if he has any), or friends. You might make excuses for it, but the real reason is that he doesn’t want to do that because it seems like a commitment. Instead, he wants to keep his options open.
8. He never talks about the future.
You never hear the words “marriage,” “family,” or even “next year.” That’s because he’s not picturing you in his future. He might even have several girls, and if you’re just one of them, then why would he talk about the future with you?
9. He’s protective of his phone.
Every time you get near his phone, he reaches for it in a panicked kind of way. Why would he do this if he didn’t have something to hide? I would gladly hand over my phone to my boyfriend (and vice versa) because neither of us would see anything that we’re doing wrong. So, if someone is freakishly protective of their phone, he’s definitely hiding something from you.
10. He goes MIA.
You undoubtedly don’t hear from him every day. Maybe you do for a small stretch of time, but then he disappears. And you wonder, “Is he gone for good? Did he ghost me?” But then, magically he’ll come back as if nothing ever happened.
11. His words and actions don’t match.
He’ll say that he’s going to take you out this weekend, but then the day rolls around, and you haven’t even heard from him – let alone know if you’re still going out or not. When he’s with you, he’s probably a smooth talker and says how into you he is, but then he doesn’t act like it.
12. He blows hot and cold.
When you’re with him, he is all over you and you think your chemistry and passion are unique. But then, as I said earlier, he goes cold. As you can see with all these signs you’re getting played, there is a pattern of inconsistency with his behaviors.
13. He will love-bomb you.
Love-bombing is when someone compliments you, chases you, and makes you feel like the most beautiful, desirable woman in the world. And you even believe it. But in reality, it’s all bull sh**. He is just playing the game to reel you in with her words. Once he “has” you, then the compliments stop.
14. He is always busy.
It’s difficult to nail him down to make plans with him. He always has excuses for why he can’t plan something or why he has to cancel. It could be his job, his kids, or anything else in his life. But come on… no one is THAT busy. If you were a priority to him, then he’d make time to see you (aside from when he wants to have sex).
15. He never posts anything about you on social media.
Let’s say you went out to a bar one night, and you took some selfies of the two of you. And you put it on social media… and tag him. Well, it never shows up on his page. Why? Because he doesn’t want it to. He doesn’t want to be public about your “relationship” because what if that ruins his chances with other women?
No one likes to get played. But as an online dating coach in Dayton, I know it happens all the time. If you can relate to these signs of getting played, then you need to run as fast as you can.
***If you need online dating coaching, or just some help with your dating and relationship problems, contact me today. I would love to help you!***
Oh, boy. You’ve been cheated on. That’s one thing that most people fear in life, right? Right.
Why do we fear that our partner will cheat? Well, there are many reasons.
First, and most importantly, many people internalize and personalize it. They think, “What is wrong with me? Why did they want someone else and not me? Am I too fat? Too skinny? Too ugly? Too mean? Too…. (fill in the blank)?”
But what you have to realize is that,, many times cheating is not about YOU. You are not inadequate. It’s the cheater that is inadequate.
The cheater probably has cheated before, and they will cheat again.
Hence, the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater.”
Of course, you can’t apply that philosophy to everyone who cheats. There are exceptions, but as a whole, the saying is probably true – if they cheat once, they’ll do it again.
Second, being cheated on is just gross – and potentially dangerous. You don’t know what kind of STD’s the other person might have… and transmit to you. That’s a scary part of being cheated on. But most people focus on the first part – the emotional one.
How to Get Over Someone Cheating on You
As an online dating coach in Dayton, I’ve seen a lot of people who have been cheated on. And it has the potential to affect their future relationships in a negative way. So, what can you do if you find out that your partner has cheated on you?
Here are some tips.
1. Grieve the loss.
Whether or not you decide to stay with the person (which I don’t usually recommend), you need to grieve the loss. The loss of what? First, the loss of the fantasy and/or reality that your partner will always be faithful to you. That’s gone. Also, you might actually lose the person too.
2. Don’t blame yourself.
As I mentioned earlier, a lot of people look to themselves to come up with answers for why their partner cheated on them. They try to focus on their own shortcomings, and not their partner’s. And they are the ones you should really blame, not yourself.
3. Don’t blame the person they cheated with either.
I’ve always found this one odd. Many people also have a tendency to blame the person their partner cheated with. Okay, if it’s your sister or best friend, then blame away! But if it’s someone you’ve never met, then it seems a bit weird. It’s your PARTNER who you should hold accountable. They should be strong enough to not give in to ANY temptation from an outside party.
4. Ask why they cheated on you.
People cheat for a variety of reasons. Some are simply sex addicts. Some just get bored being in a monogamous relationship. Some cheat for emotional reasons, if their partner isn’t giving them enough love and affection. Whatever the reason, it’s important to discuss it with your partner.
5. Remain calm.
When talking to your partner about the cheating, there will always be the tendency to get upset, cry, and maybe even yell, scream, and name-call. But this does no good. You have to try to remain calm. Yes, I know. Easier said than done. But it’s the only way you can get some sort of answers.
6. Seek support from friends and family.
Who is better at supporting you and making you feel better than the ones you love? Some people may not want to share the fact that they’ve been cheated on, but it does help to vent to other people and get a clear perspective on the situation.
7. Keep busy.
Don’t just sit around eating ice cream and watching sad romantic movies on Netflix. That will just make it worse. You need to get out there! Go out with your friends. Get on an online dating site if you break up. Start dating. Find new people to hang out with… and maybe even a new relationship.
8. See a therapist.
Sometimes, our friends and family are not enough support for us. While the mean well, they may be too close to the situation to have an objective viewpoint. Therefore, it will always help if you go see a therapist. They can help you work through your grief and move on with your life.
9. Get tested.
As much as you probably don’t want to think about this, it is a good idea to get tested for an STD. You never know what your partner might have brought home to you if you had sex with them after they cheated. Getting tested will just ease your mind.
10. Learn how to recognize red flags for the future.
Look back on the relationship. Were there signs that you missed? Did your partner “start working late” recently? Or did they hide their phone? Or were there other changes in behavior that you should have taken notice of? Think about it and keep that in mind in the future.
11. Move on.
Regaining trust after being cheated on is incredibly difficult. It takes a lot of work and energy on both people’s parts. And sometimes it’s just not worth it. Since there’s a chance your partner might cheat again, maybe it’s better to just cut your losses and move on. Find someone else who you can trust.
Infidelity stinks. No one wants to be the victim of it. But if you want to know how to get over someone cheating on you, then these 11 tips will help you. Once you are ready, then get out there and start online dating… you’ll be happy you did!
***If you want my coaching on how to find the perfect partner for you via online dating, then contact me today!***
You’ve probably done it. I know I’ve done it. And I know countless other people who have done it too.
Yes, sex with the ex.
That sounds pretty harmless, right? I mean, it’s not like you haven’t been together many times before. So, what’s just one more time? Well, not so fast.
It’s a pretty common scenario. I don’t care if you’ve been married 50 years or been together 5 months, a lot of people “go back”… at least temporarily.
Why do people do this?
Well, there are many reasons. But none of them are good.
Bottom line, the real reason people want to have sex with their ex is because of familiarity.
It’s ironic, isn’t it? We broke up for a lot of reasons that were familiar to us. And we had intentions of moving on to someone new. We have the chance to find a better relationship with someone else, but yet so many people get caught up in the trap of having sex with your ex.
I know it’s tempting, but it’s not a good idea.
Why You Should Stop Having Sex With Your Ex
As an online dating coach in Dayton, I know that so many people struggle with having sex with your ex. It’s like there’s some part of them that doesn’t want to move on… and instead, go back.
But I always have to convince them not to do that… for these reasons.
1. You might get emotionally bonded again.
If you were with your ex for a long time and loved them, then the love might re-surface. Even if there has been a lot of time that has passed, you still might bring out that ol’ loving feeling. Sure, love is great. But not when you are trying to move on from someone. It’s like re-opening an old wound. Who wants to do that? It will just confuse you.
2. It prevents you from moving on.
Again, as an online dating coach, I frequently have to counsel people about how holding on to the ex will prevent them from moving forward and finding someone new who they are more compatible with. Even if you think it’s harmless, and you think that you’ll stop having sex with your ex once you meet someone, it’s a mental and emotional block. Just don’t do it.
3. It’ll make you miss him, and you might be tempted to get back together.
Time has a funny way of tricking our minds. The farther we get away from our breakups, the better the relationship looks in hindsight. You slowly forget about all the toxic things that broke you up in the first place. It’ll feel familiar, and you might miss the good times and be tempted to get back together. But you just need to remember all the bad things… not the good.
4. It can lead to an unhealthy pattern.
Maybe you both are just horny and so this is a convenient way to get sex. And maybe you’re both even okay with it. But it’s an unhealthy pattern to repeatedly have sex with your ex. Healthy people have sex with their current partners – not their ex. So, you don’t want this pattern to mess with your mind or your heart.
5. You might be opening yourself up to being used.
Or, maybe you want to get back together with your ex, but all they want is just sex. Well, then you might just end up being used by them. Especially if you don’t openly discuss your expectations ahead of time. You don’t want to only be someone’s sexual outlet.
6. It’s too easy.
Trust me, I know. Many people resist doing online dating or just finding someone new the old-fashioned way. Why? Because it takes effort. That’s part of why I’m an online dating coach. I take all the effort out of it. I do the searching for you and help you weed out the bad apples. Yes, it’s easy to have sex or even go back to your ex, but you have to resist it if you want to move on.
7. It won’t make him fall back in love with you.
Many females think that if they have sex with a guy, then they will be more likely to fall in love with them. But let’s face it – men are different from us. They can have anonymous sex or friends-with-benefits and never get any feelings for the other person. So, don’t think that your ex will fall back in love with you just because you start having sex again.
I know that having sex with your ex is tempting. But you have to resist it. As I’ve said before, as an online dating coach, I’ve seen it all. And the people who go back and have sex with their ex never move on. Or at least it takes them a long time to do so. Is that really what you want for yourself?
***If you need help with your dating or relationship life, let me help you. Contact me today!***
In an ideal world, all relationships would be loving and respectful. But this isn’t Utopia – it’s real life. And unfortunately, there are way too many people who are in toxic relationships.
With a normal, healthy, loving, rational person, there will be no need to learn how to stand up for yourself in a relationship. But many people are psychologically and emotionally damaged. And because of that, they use tactics in relationships to try to control other people and have the upper hand.
Usually, these people are called narcissists. They are the kind of people who only think of themselves and have absolutely no empathy for other people. The control, manipulate, gaslight, and just overall mentally and emotionally abuse you.
And just so you know … NO ONE deserves to be treated that way!
I don’t care if the abuser is your boss, your spouse, your child, your parent, or your neighbor. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect.
But what if no one taught you how to stand up for yourself in a relationship? I mean, let’s face it – that’s not something that our parents usually teach us. Instead, they teach us to shut our mouths and to follow what they say.
As an online dating coach in Dayton, I know first-hand that there are many ways that you can learn how to stand up for yourself in a relationship – even if it’s someone that you’ve just started dating.
How to Stand Up for Yourself in a Relationship
1. Be brave.
Standing up for yourself can be scary – especially if you are intimidated by the other person. And maybe you’re not intimidated, but you know they hold power over you, such as your boss. But in order to learn how to stand up for yourself in a relationship, you have to gain some courage to take action.
2. Work on your self-esteem.
Many people who don’t know how to stand up for themselves in a relationship have low self-esteem. If you don’t believe in your own self-worth, then you will let people walk all over you. Write down all the good qualities you have and focus on why you are special… and why you deserve to be treated with respect.
3. Keep notes.
Abusers love to mess with your mind. In fact, they often make up lies but sound convincing about them. That’s why you need to keep notes as evidence. When they say or do something wrong or disrespectful, write it down. That way, the next time they accuse you of something, you can take out your evidence of your behavior (and theirs) to prove them wrong.
4. Be assertive.
You can’t be meek and mild when you are learning how to stand up for yourself in a relationship. You have to be assertive. But not aggressive. There’s a difference. Aggressive behavior is name-calling and physical abuse. That’s not what we’re talking about here.
5. Be logical and rational.
In order to be assertive, you need to be logical, rational, and calm. Present the evidence from your note-taking as if you were in a courtroom presenting the information to a jury. The more calm and rational you are, the more it disarms the other person.
6. Only tolerate respectful words and behaviors.
Whenever a person starts calling you bad names or says or does anything else that is disrespectful, tell them to stop. Say that you will not tolerate that language or behavior any more. Tell them that you deserve respect and you won’t allow anything else from now on.
7. Say no.
Just because someone asks or tells you to do something, that doesn’t mean you actually have to do it. You are your own person. You make your own decisions. Don’t allow other people to push you into something that you don’t want to do. Not only is it okay to say no, it’s NECESSARY.
8. Use assertive body language.
When you close your body up, such as when you cross your arms or legs, you are sending the message that you are weak and submissive. Instead, spread out your body and take up more space, which is a dominant move. Stand or sit up straight and let them know you mean business.
9. Role play.
Grab your best friend or a family member and get into a role play. Let them pretend to be the person you need to stand up to, and practice what to say and do. The more you role play, the better you will get at standing up for yourself.
Learning how to stand up for yourself in a relationship isn’t easy. But it all starts with recognizing that you need to do it and that you are worth it. I don’t care if you’re being played by someone while you’re online dating or if you’ve been married 50 years, you need to do it because you need to love yourself!
****If you need an online dating coach, dating coach, or relationship coach, especially if you live in Dayton, contact me today. I’d love to help you!****
Ahhhhh… love. They say it’s a many splendored thing. And it is. Or at least it can be. But you might be wondering how to know you’re in love. It should be obvious, right?
Maybe, maybe not.
You see, love is complicated. As an online dating coach in Dayton, I have come up with several stages of what we call “love” from my experiences.
First, you have infatuation. This happens when you are constantly giddy over the thought of the other person. You almost feel like you are on a high, and that you’re walking on Cloud 9. And guess what? You actually are high. Science has proven that the brain of someone who is infatuated looks exactly the same as a person who is on cocaine.
But infatuation doesn’t last forever. Eventually, the chemicals in your brain calm down. And reality sets in.
For some people, that’s where the relationship ends – they can’t make it past this stage. But if you’re lucky enough to move through this, then comes what I call the “in love” stage.
I’ve seen a lot of people go through online dating and move into these two stages. And they look very similar. But you still might be asking how to know you’re in love… and not still infatuated (or in lust)?
Well, being in love involves a lot of the feelings of infatuation, but they are deeper.
But let’s take a closer look at some of the other signs so you know how to know you’re in love.
How to Know You’re in Love
1. You see their flaws, but they don’t bother you.
One of the signs that help you know how you know you’re in love is that you have hung in there long enough to know that your partner isn’t perfect. You see some of their flaws, but they don’t bother you. In fact, you might even find them endearing. When you’re not in love, these flaws would irritate you. But because you love your partner, you find them sweet.
2. You can’t picture your life without your partner.
When you think about the rest of your life, you can’t imagine it without them. You are so connected that any thought of not having them in your life makes you sad or anxious.
3. Your partner makes you want to be a better person.
Maybe you hate working out, but you are in love so you want to do it for your partner. You want to look good and be your best for them. You push yourself to grow as a person.
4. You value your partner’s opinions.
You may not agree on everything, but you truly value what your significant other thinks about everything. Whether it’s their political views or just what they think of the outfit you’re wearing, you genuinely care what they think.
5. You see yourself as a team.
There is no more “you” and “me.” It’s “us.” You want to consult your loved one about almost everything. Not that you need to, but you want to. You are a team – no longer individuals. Not that you shouldn’t maintain some sort of individuality, but overall, you know you are unit. That’s how to know you’re in love.
6. They make you a better person – the best version of yourself.
You actually like who you are when you are with them. Not only do you love them, you love yourself more when you are with them. They raise your self-esteem, and you feel like you can take on the world.
7. You have each other’s back.
You both would do anything for each other. Whether it’s calling for help with a flat tire at 2:00 in the morning, or standing up for them when another person isn’t being fair, you know that you both have each other’s back at all times.
8. They are the first person you want to call when something happens.
You just got a job offer? They’re the first person you want to call. Your dog just died? You want to call them first again. Whatever happens in your life, they are the first person you want to share it with.
9. You can talk to them for hours upon hours.
As the saying goes, “time flies when you’re having fun.” When you’re in love, being with your partner and talking to them about anything and everything, is easy. You lose track of time because you are just lost in conversation… and each other.
10. You accept each other 100%.
No one is perfect. But you both love each other unconditionally. You accept the good parts and the bad parts. There is nothing that could break your love apart.
Whether you met via online dating, dating apps, or the old-fashioned way, it’s not difficult to figure out if you’re in love. And now you know how to know if you’re in love! Because if you experience most of these ten things, then congratulations! You’re in love!
***If you need online dating coaching, let me help you. Contact me today!***
You were happy. You thought everything was going great. You were in love. Then… BAM!!! A bomb is dropped on you, and you get dumped. How did this happen? How do you go on?
As an online dating coach in Dayton, I know all too well that being dumped is never an easy thing to deal with. Trust me – I see it all the time. It can seriously damage someone’s self-esteem, even if it’s just temporary.
All sorts of things go through your mind like, “What’s wrong with me?” and “Did I say/do something wrong?” and “How did I not see this coming?”
It’s easy to beat yourself up over it. Most people personalize it and think it’s all about them. I mean, that’s the natural thing to do, right? You think it’s about you since they broke up with YOU.
But not so fast. It might not even be about YOU! You could have done everything right, and they still would have broken up with you. So, don’t take it so hard.
Let’s take a look at somethings you can do if you want to know how to get over being dumped.
1. Cry. Grieve.
Being dumped is like a death. It’s a serious ending to something that you thought was happy. And if it happens suddenly without warning, it’s even worse. So, you have to grieve the loss. Not only the loss of the person, but the loss of the relationship and the dreams you had of the two of you in the future.
2. Dissect the relationship.
Try to figure out what went wrong. Did you do or say something to contribute to the breakup? Did your ex send you warning signs of the impending breakup and you ignored them? If you did something wrong, use it as a learning experience for your next relationship. If you didn’t, well, then you just have accept that the two of you are not a good match.
3. Write down all your good qualities.
When we get dumped, we don’t feel very good about ourselves. I mean, if we were good enough, then they wouldn’t have broken up with us, right? That’s absolutely not true. Perhaps the person was just emotionally unavailable or a chronic cheater. But you DO have good qualities. Write them down and remind yourself of how awesome you are.
4. Go out with friends.
After you grieve for a while, get out there! Go have some fun! Grab a few of your friends and go to the bars. Go skydiving. Go on vacation. Go anywhere that will get your mind off the breakup. The key here is to distract yourself and also to have fun while doing it. Just because your relationship ended, that doesn’t mean that your life has ended. Focus on the good things and keep yourself busy.
5. Don’t hold on to hope.
I know you might still be pining away for your ex and hoping that one day they’ll realize that they made a huge mistake and come running back… begging you to get married. Well, don’t hold your breath. That rarely happens. Just accept the breakup and don’t spend your energy trying to get them back… or hoping they will come to their senses. If you try to get them back, you’ll just look needy, and then they’ll realize that they made the right choice in breaking up with you.
6. Start online dating.
As an online dating coach in Dayton, I can definitely tell you this a great tip for how to get over being dumped! It not only focuses you on the future, but it also gets you attention from other people. Online dating helps you realize that there are other fish in the sea – not just your ex. There are other people who will value you and want to date you. So, whether you choose online dating or dating apps, it’s a great way to move on and find someone better suited for you.
Being dumped is never fun. It can cause some self-esteem problems and a lot of grief. But it doesn’t last forever! It’s up to you to take back your power, pull yourself back into life, and move on. You can do it. It might take time, but now that you know how to get over being dumped, you will find Mr. or Ms. Right in no time!
***If you need online dating coaching, let me help you. Contact me today!***
If you’re new to the dating world, maybe you haven’t heard of the term “ghosting.” And no, I’m not referring to Casper the Friendly Ghost or your dead grandma appearing to you in your dreams. I’m talking about a really rude - yet common - occurrence that happens in the dating world these days… especially online dating.
“Ghosting” is a term that is used when someone you were dating just literally disappears. Yes, you heard me right. They disappear with no goodbye, no official breakup, and no explanation.
It’s happened to me before – several times. Usually, it happened after 1, 2, or maybe even 3 dates. I just wouldn’t ever hear from them again. And it always left me wondering, “Hmmm. That’s weird. I thought we got along quite well!” But I was never usually very invested in them, so I just shrugged my shoulders and moved on.
But one time, I was dating a guy for 2 months. He told me he could “spend the next 50 years with me” and he “feels like he’s known me for lifetimes” and “this is too perfect” and “I feel so close to you.” It made me think that perhaps this was it – maybe I had found the one!
His behavior became increasingly erratic and unpredictable. Okay, I’m being too kind. He became downright disrespectful and rude. Not because he was abusive or anything, I just couldn’t pin him down on any sort of plans. He would say he’d show up, then hours before, give some lame excuse why he couldn’t come.
He was gone.
WTH?! I mean, when we were together, it was awesome. But when we were apart it was crickets.
You’d think after 2 months of dating someone that you’d at least offer some sort of explanation of why they wanted to end it.
But not with ghosting. That’s why it’s called ghosting. They disappear into thin air without notice.
Why would someone ghost you? Well, there are many reasons. But they’re not good ones. Let’s take a look at some of them.
Why Someone Might Ghost You
As an online dating coach in Dayton, I know all too well that I am not the only person who has been ghosted. In fact, I think most people have. But when it happens to you, you can’t help but wonder what happened? Why would someone ghost you? Why in the world would someone treat another human being with such disrespect? Well, here are a few reasons.
1. They despise conflict.
Okay, most people don’t like conflict. And most people don’t like breakups either. They’re usually painful – even for the person who is doing the dumping. People who ghost feel that way too, and so they just avoid it. They think that if they just disappear, then they won’t have to deal with the conflict and fallout of an actual breakup.
2. They’re immature.
Ghosting behavior is immature. It’s running away. It’s not facing up to your actions and treating people with respect. Yes, it’s difficult to tell someone that they are not the love of your life and you want to end things. But it’s the mature thing to do. The other person will actually respect you for it.
3. They have no empathy.
Most people who ghost have probably never thought about how much it hurts the other person. All they care about if avoiding their own discomfort during a breakup. They don’t put themselves into the other person’s shoes and think about how much it might hurt them to be ghosted. Or at very least, not think about how rude it is to leave things unfinished and have unanswered questions.
4. They found someone else.
Maybe they really did like you, but they met someone else they like better. That’s understandable, but it’s still not an excuse to hurt someone else by just disappearing on them. The online dating game is not always kind. It’s way too easy to keep your options open. But that doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do.
5. They were never really serious to begin with.
Sometimes we think the person we’re dating is equally as interested and invested in the relationship as we are. They might even act like it. But it’s easy to mistake sexual interest or getting along well as a sign that they want a serious relationship with you. If they ghost you, then they clearly didn’t like you that much.
6. They’re players.
Let’s face it – there are just some awful people out there who are constant players. Especially when it comes to online dating, it’s way too easy to talk to as many people as you can possibly keep up with. So just because you’re dating someone, don’t assume that you are the ONLY one they are dating or talking to. Because you probably aren’t. And if so, then you run the risk of getting ghosted.
So there’s your answer to the question, “why would someone ghost you?” Ghosting is a horrible modern trend in the online dating world – or just in dating in general. It’s unkind. It’s disrespectful. It hurts people. So, if you’ve been ghosted, now you know some possible reasons. But if you are a ghoster yourself, please, please, stop doing it. Have a little respect and empathy for people and live by the Golden Rule!
***If you need online dating coaching, let me help you. Contact me today!***
Breakups are never easy – even if you are the one who wanted it in the first place. Whether you are the dumper or the dumpee, it can be difficult to move on with your life, especially if you had been together for a long time.
Some people move on easier than others. And what determines that is a variety of factors. For example, if you have wanted out of the relationship for a long time, then maybe you are mentally and emotionally ready to move on immediately. But if the love of your life dropped a bomb and suddenly broke up with you, then that’s a whole different story.
Let’s divide this advice up into two categories. First, let’s start with how to move on after a relationship if you’re left stunned and heartbroken.
Tips for How to Move on After a Relationship if You’re Heartbroken
As an online dating coach in Dayton, I can tell you that I’ve seen it all. And I prefer to work with people who are truly ready to find love again. Because if you are still heartbroken from your loss, then you are not ready to do online dating – or any dating for that matter. So here are some tips for how to move on after a relationship if you’re heartbroken.
1. Grieve the loss.
This might sound like a no-brainer. Like, OF COURSE you’re going to grieve the loss of your partner, right? Well, that might be true for some people. But others are really good at ignoring and suppressing their emotions. That’s not healthy. Let me repeat – THAT’S NOT HEALTHY. Do NOT ignore your sorrow and grief. Cry. Cry a lot. Cry until you can’t cry any more.
2. Dissect the relationship and figure out what went wrong.
Just because you were blindsided from the breakup, that doesn’t mean you might not have missed some signs that it was failing. Sometimes we are blind to what’s happening in our relationships until it’s too late. So, take an honest look back and see what happened. Was it you? Was it them? What did you do to contribute to the breakup… if anything? Once you figure this out, it will help you make better relationship choices in the future.
Tips for How to Move on After a Relationship if You’re Happy & Healed
Obviously, this is a much better mental and emotional state to be in. But not everyone can get there right away. As an online dating coach, I know that research says the sometimes it takes an average of 2 years to get over a breakup – sometimes longer. So here are some tips if you are ready to move on.
1. Get out there!
And by that, I mean get out there physically and virtually. Join an online dating site or an app. Or both! Just get your face and profile out there so you can start meeting people. If you don’t like the online dating route, then go out with friends so you can meet new people. Or join groups in the community. Or ask your friends to set you up. Just get out there.
2. Write down your “must haves” and your “deal breakers.”
If you have had several failed relationships, then you can turn those into successes. How? By looking back and what you had that you liked and didn’t like in every partner/relationship you’ve ever had. What did you love? What did you hate? What do you NEED in the future. What can you NOT put up with?
3. Enjoy being single for a while.
Just because you’re single now doesn’t mean that you have to jump into another relationship right away. There are a lot of advantages to being single! You don’t have to answer to anyone, and you can do whatever you want, whenever you want. So, take this time to explore yourself and who you really are as a person. Then, when you are ready to find your soul mate you will be refreshed and much more ready to establish a health relationship.
Being single can be scary, but it can be fun too. So, regardless of how your relationship ended, make sure you take care of yourself. Look back at the past and figure out how you’re going to do better in the future. Because a breakup can be viewed a learning experience – if you choose to see it that way!
***If you’re ready to move on after your breakup and need an online dating coach, don’t hesitate to contact me. I’d be happy to help!***
We all want to be loved, right? I mean, who doesn’t want to find their soul mate and live happily ever after? I’m sure there may be some people who would rather live a life being single forever, but for the majority of us, we don’t.
Being single is a funny thing. Some people embrace it, some people tolerate it, and some people fear it. I am somewhere in between “embracing” and “tolerating.” When I was single, I always said “I prefer to be in a relationship, but only a GOOD relationship. Otherwise, I’d rather be single.”
But I’m not like everyone. Some people hate being single so much that they just settle for anyone and ignore all the red flags they see waving all around someone they’re dating.
Some red flags are obvious. For example, abusive or neglectful behavior of any kind should be considered a deal breaker by anyone (although unfortunately, it’s not). But other red flags can masquerade around as signs that you’ve found your soul mate, when in fact they are nothing more than signs of love bombing.
Just in case you are unfamiliar with what love bombing actually is, here is a definition for you. Basically, it’s when a person you are dating showers you with attention, compliments, and love. Sounds great, right? Well… not so fast.
As an online dating coach in Dayton, I can tell you that I see signs of love bombing all the time in my clients. And I can tell you that it’s not a pretty thing. I am happy that I am there for them to point out the warning signs before they get in too deep with someone.
You see, love bombing feels good. And usually, we think red flags feel bad. And that’s the scary thing about love bombing. You don’t even know it’s being done to you until it’s too late.
And when it comes to online dating, well, it can happen all the time. So, I want to tell you about some very common signs of love bombing so that you can protect yourself from being a victim of this frequent occurrence in the world of dating.
Signs of Love Bombing
Just to let you know – I have been a victim of love bombing myself. Hey, I’m human too! And at first, I loved it. They make you feel special. But it didn’t take too long for me to catch on and realize they were full of sh*t.
Here are some signs of love bombing to look for:
1. They are too quick to say “I love you.”
It’s one thing to really be in love and have both of you say “I love you” after a month of dating. But it’s another thing to say it on the second date. Some people might think it’s romantic and amazing, but really, who can fall in love that quickly? Beware of people who are moving way too fast with expressing their feelings or planning a future with you.
2. They always tell you what you want to hear.
“You are the most beautiful woman in the world!” or “You are my soul mate!” or “I’ve waiting all my life to find you!” are all wonderful things to hear. But NOT when they are bull sh*t. It’s great to hear from a person who actually means it. But in love bombing, there is no sincerity to anything.
3. They feel too good to be true.
You feel like God has finally answered your prayers. This man is PERFECT. He says the right things, does the right things, and has virtually no flaws at all. A dream come true, right? Well, probably not. As the saying goes, if it feels too good to be true, then it probably is. It’s hard to admit that to yourself when you so desperately want to be in love. But no one is perfect. However, a love bomber tries to make you think they are.
4. They do wildly romantic things for you.
Sending two dozen roses to your work? Yep, that’s a sign of love bombing. Taking you to fancy restaurants and planning romantic picnics every weekend? Yep, those too. I’m not saying that everyone who does romantic things are love bombers. But just watch the way they do it. And how often they do it. Then you will see if it’s actually a red flag or not.
5. They make you feel like your love was destined.
Maybe they actually call you their soul mate. Or if not, they just make you feel like soul mates. They tell you that your love was destined. Well, maybe it was, but most likely – with a love bomber – it’s not. Don’t fall into this trap. Keep your guard up a little and don’t let them suck you in with these lovey-dovey words.
As you can see from these signs of love bombing, they give you constant attention. It feels good, but it’s deceptive. And as an online dating coach, I know that – frequently - these kinds of people change quite quickly into abusive partners. So, don’t get yourself caught in the web of love bombing!
***Want some help identifying a love bomber? Remember, I’m an online dating coach who can help you! Email me on the contact form today!***
Dr. Carol Morgan &
Check out our website:
Who I Am: