Ask Dr. Carol: Am I "Friend-Zoned"?

Dear Dr. Carol,
 
I have just started dating a really great woman. We have been on three dates within a week. On the first two dates, we had coffee and talked for over four hours each time.
 
On Saturday, she texted me and asked if I wanted to have some drinks that night. So we did that, and also played some games of pool.
 
When the night was over, we hugged (I didn’t go in for a kiss) and we went our separate ways.
 
On Monday, I texted her and told her that I had had a good time on Saturday and asked her out for the following Friday. She said yes.
 
Then yesterday, she texted me and said she couldn’t go out on Friday, but asked if I was available on Sunday for brunch.
 
My question is, I am feeling a little uneasy that she canceled on me for Friday night and rescheduled for Sunday morning. Is there any hidden meaning in this? Should I be concerned if she really likes me?
 
Thank you,
 
Matt S.
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Dear Matt,
 
It’s great that you found someone you really like! Let me tell you, that’s half the battle when you’re dating.
 
Okay, so you didn’t kiss her on the first three dates. I am not sure what your reasons were, but I’m sure you had them. Maybe you were nervous or shy. Or maybe you couldn’t read her well enough to know if she wanted to kiss you.
 
Obviously I am not a mind reader, so I can’t know exactly what she’s thinking. But two things definitely jumped out at me when I read your letter.  
 
First, because you didn’t kiss her on the first three dates, she may think you don’t like her very much. And sometimes when a woman thinks that, she pulls back. I’m not saying you should have had any major make out sessions or have slept with her by now, but some women want the man to make a move early on. And perhaps in her mind you were taking too long.
 
Second, I think her rescheduling for Sunday is a red flag for two different reasons. First, she may be the “flaky” type of person who is not reliable and always cancels plans. If so, do you really want to be with a woman like that? It’s too soon to know if she falls into this category, but it’s a definite possibility since she’s doing it so soon in the dating process.
 
The other reason the rescheduling may be a red flag is that she may think of you as just a friend. Whether it’s because you didn’t kiss her, or she isn’t feeling any chemistry with you, well, we don’t know. But think about it – a Friday night date has much more romantic overtones than a Sunday brunch “date.” She might be trying to pigeon-hole you into the “friend zone.” She probably really likes your company, but perhaps she’s sending you a message about her level of romantic interest in you (or lack thereof).
 
Bottom line, you need to do one of two things. You could go in for a kiss after your brunch date and see how she reacts. If she reacts positively, then I would suggest that you continue to explore the relationship and see where it goes. If you don’t want to do that, you could just be straight forward with her and ask her how she feels about dating you. Does she see you more of a friend or a potential boyfriend/partner? Either way, you’ll probably get your answer.
 
Good luck, and keep me posted about how it goes!
 
Cheers!
 
Dr. Carol

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