I’m assuming most of you have heard of the classic book, The Giving Tree. But for those of you who haven’t, it’s a children’s book about a boy and a tree. They can talk to each other. The tree and the boy love each other. But the boy is constantly taking things from the tree. So as the boy grows up, the tree gives, and gives, and then gives some more. Finally, at the end of the story, the boy is an old man and the tree is nothing but a stump. It’s supposed to be a story about love and giving. I think the moral of the story is supposed to be that you should be loving and give to other people, just like the tree does. Sounds like a lovely message for children, right?

I beg to differ.

I know this will make me unpopular with lovers of the book, but stay with me here. I will explain.

I read this book to my boys when they were little. And while I always understood that the point of the book was supposed to be a positive one, I always found myself thinking this:

 “Why doesn’t the tree love itself enough to stop being used by the boy?”

Perhaps a strange interpretation, but it’s mine nonetheless.

I felt sorry for the tree. The boy just kept taking, and taking, and taking. And then taking some more. In my opinion, the boy used the tree. He took advantage of the tree and didn’t appreciate it enough. I’m sure the tree loved the boy. And the boy loved the tree. That’s wonderful.

But why didn’t the boy ever give back?

I think many humans think that this is an acceptable dynamic between people – one person who usually gives, and the other person who usually takes. Well, I say that is cow manure! (you know what phrase I would rather use, but my mother taught me to be classy with my words…)  :)

I always teach in my interpersonal communication classes that the best relationships are the ones that have a balance between “self” and “other” -- both people need to love themselves enough to know that they deserve to receive. But they both must want to give to the other person as well.

Since we are in the full swing of the giving holiday season, I want you to think about the give-and-take dynamics in your relationships. Do you give too much? Or do you take too much? Or just the right amount?

Here are the two lessons from this blog: (1) Don’t be a doormat. Don’t allow yourself to be used and taken advantage of by other people. Love yourself enough to demand better. And (2) Don’t be selfish. Make sure you pay attention to other people’s needs too, not just your own.

If I were to re-write The Giving Tree, I would make the boy and the tree equal partners in giving and receiving. I think this would be a much better message for all of us.

Have a great week everyone! And while you’re out buying gifts to give for your loved ones, make sure they are buying you some too!! Ha!

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My book, Radical Relationship Resource: A Guide for Repairing, Letting Go, or Moving On is available on Amazon and also here on my homepage or the ‘Books’ page. I also have E-Courses now available as well. (Here’s the link for the book just in case anyone is interested!) http://www.amazon.com/Radical-Relationship-Resource-Repairing-Leting/dp/0615901468/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1382560098&sr=8-1&keywords=radical+relationship+resource

***Subscribe to my Blog on this page! Then send me an email at [email protected] and I will send you my free E-Course called, "A Crash Course in Self-Talk." It will help you analyze and get over negative things you tell yourself, about yourself. This is the first step toward positive self-growth!***

***Friend me on Facebook! https://www.facebook.com/carol.morgan.391***

“Oh, you’re getting a college degree? Well, remember - Don’t think for yourself!! We don't want to hear your voice!”         

#saysoureducationalsystem

As you all know, I’m an educator. I believe in education. I came from a family who deeply values it and thinks it’s one of the most important things in life. However, I have noticed that all our educational system does is program people to be robots who regurgitate information. We don’t teach people to think for themselves. And we certainly don’t want to hear their original voices.  This is sad.

I just had a conversation with one of my best students about this several days ago. He said how frustrating it is for him to just “report” on research without his voice being allowed anywhere in the paper. I agree with him. Whole-heartedly!

I was frustrated by this as well when I was in graduate school. I remember when I wrote my doctoral dissertation, I opened a paragraph with a statement like, “Religion is a big part of the world’s history and many people’s lives.” (or something to that effect). And I remember my advisor putting a comment such as, “According to whom? Document your sources.” Even back then, I was thinking …. “WHAT?!!?!! Do I REALLY need to document that statement???? Isn’t it just common knowledge?” Apparently not. Well, yes, it is common knowledge. But I still had to go and track down someone else who said it … my voice was not sufficient. So I eventually found a random source to back me up before I was allowed to actually say it. Does anyone else find this strange?

All these years later, I am still having this issue. Recently, I have been writing articles for a company that outsources them to different reputable websites. I thought it was cool at first because they have high standards. They didn’t accept just anyone to write for them, and you had only three shots to write an article, and if you get them rejected, then they drop you. It’s pretty cut-throat! Heck, it’s almost as hard as getting a scholarly article accepted in an academic journal (and that’s very hard!). 

I have had my Ph.D. for about 17 years (gosh, that makes me feel old!! I swear, I still feel 22!). And I have taught communication at the college level for almost 20 years (if you count the years of me being a T.A.). So I think most people would probably label me an “expert” in communication, right? And I was always under the silly assumption that once you  finally claw your way out of graduate school, jump through every imaginable hoop there is, and cut every last inch of political red tape, that I would finally have the freedom to have my “expert” voice heard. 

I was wrong.

Anyway, my point is this …

They don’t want to hear my voice either.

Have I taught interpersonal communication for over 20 years? Yep. Do I know the research and the basics like the back of my hand? Yep. I could write about communication in my sleep. But am I allowed to use my own knowledge in my articles without documenting how someone else said it and not me?

No.

Why doesn’t our culture allow people to think for themselves? Why are we not allowed our own voices? You would think having a Ph.D., published academic articles, consulting /training for businesses/schools, and over 20 years of teaching experience would have earned me the right to write with my own voice.

Nope.

Please keep in mind, this is not an ego thing. Anyone who knows me would tell you that I am not attached to the title of “Dr.” or the fact that I have a Ph.D. I really don’t care if my students call me “hey you” instead of “Dr. Morgan.” This is not about my ego. It’s about freedom of expression and the ability to think for yourself.

So here’s what I want you to think about this week (pun intended) ...

Where is YOUR voice not being heard? It doesn’t have to be in a college paper or in an article for a website or journal. It can be with your spouse, children, friends, co-workers, or boss. Where are YOU not allowed to speak your mind? Think about it. And figure out why it is that way. Can you change it? If you can, then CHANGE IT!!

Speak up. Say what you need to say.

You’re valuable. And your voice should be valued, too. All of ours should, not just us “experts.” #ohwaitexpertsarenotvaluedeither

So go shout your voice from the mountaintops until you are HEARD!! You deserve it!

I know I’ll be listening to you … :)

Have a great week and thanks for reading my “voice!” I appreciate you!

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My new book, Radical Relationship Resource: A Guide for Repairing, Letting Go, or Moving On is now available on Amazon and also here on my homepage or the ‘Books’ page. I also have E-Courses now available as well. (Here’s the link for the book just in case anyone is interested!) http://www.amazon.com/Radical-Relationship-Resource-Repairing-Leting/dp/0615901468/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1382560098&sr=8-1&keywords=radical+relationship+resource

***Subscribe to my Blog on this page! Then send me an email at [email protected] and I will send you my free E-Course called, "A Crash Course in Self-Talk." It will help you analyze and get over negative things you tell yourself, about yourself. This is the first step toward positive self-growth!***

***Friend me on Facebok! https://www.facebook.com/carol.morgan.391***

The first time I saw this, my jaw dropped. I mean, REALLY?!? We are now encouraging people to ditch their family on Thanksgiving as fast as possible to go out and buy more stuff that no one really needs? I just shake my head in amazement sometimes. I wonder what the starving people in the world would think if they saw this. I have no words.

Anyway, back to me. Even back when I was in college, I thought it was silly that our culture basically expected me to buy stuff for my family with money I didn’t have. I went into debt. Is that what Jesus would have wanted? I think not. I’m pretty sure he would just want us to celebrate with our loved ones and give gifts of ourselves. Not go into debt and pile on the stress. Not that I’m trying to make a religious statement in this blog, because I’m not. But while I am eternally grateful that I don’t have to go into debt now, I still hate the pressure of it all. Although I have to admit, as the years have gone by, online shopping has become a blessing to me!! HA!

I know many of you love the holiday season. And that’s totally awesome!! I have friends who take delight in middle-of-the-night black Friday shopping and others who love wrapping presents, making cookies, and feeling like jolly little elves. Actually, I think that’s great! I'm not judging.

Honestly, once my shopping and wrapping is all done, I also turn into a jolly little elf. The pressure is off. The bills will be paid. The work is done. Now I can just enjoy. Whew! 

But here’s the thing I want you to think about this week.

How many people in our world don’t have the money to get gifts for their children and family? Or even food, for that matter? How many already have maxed out credit cards, are jobless, homeless, going bankrupt, or just plain exhausted from life? Too many to mention, unfortunately.

So if you don’t have the money for presents this holiday season, it's okay!! I would encourage you to not succumb to the pressure of spending money you don't have. Instead, make some homemade gifts! Make your family some do-it-yourself coupons that they can use (“here’s a free 15 minute back rub” or “here’s me doing the laundry for you for a week”). 

So that's lesson #1 of this blog - don't feel pressured to spend money you don't have. Personally, I think giving gifts of yourself is more meaningful than a $20.00 sweater you bought because you had to. But that's just me.

And another lesson - LOVE EVERYONE. Love your family and friends. Love strangers. Love your “enemies.”  Give real gifts - gifts of yourself. Be selfless. Take care of each other. Do random acts of kindness. I think that’s what the holiday season should be about. 

And yet another lesson – BE PRESENT (I mean "be mentally focused," not literally to be "a present" ... although that could work too! ha!). If it's Thanksgiving with your family, don't mentally be at the mall. Be there with them.

But according to JC Penney, I guess I’m wrong...

Have a great week!! I hope you all turn into jolly little elves!! :)

******************************************************************************************************************************************

My new book, Radical Relationship Resource: A Guide for Repairing, Letting Go, or Moving On is now available on Amazon and also here on my homepage or the ‘Books’ page. I also have E-Courses now available as well. (Here’s the link for the book just in case anyone is interested!) http://www.amazon.com/Radical-Relationship-Resource-Repairing-Leting/dp/0615901468/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1382560098&sr=8-1&keywords=radical+relationship+resource

***Subscribe to my Blog on this page! Then send me an email at [email protected] and I will send you my free E-Course called, "A Crash Course in Self-Talk." It will help you analyze and get over negative things you tell yourself, about yourself. This is the first step toward positive self-growth!***

***Friend me on Facebok! https://www.facebook.com/carol.morgan.391***