A couple of weeks ago, I had someone tell me that I was not charging enough for my keynote speeches. My first reaction was confusion plus a little bit of self-depricating humor. I thought, "Why don't you think I'm charging enough? Either I'm a loser speaker at the bottom of the barrel of speakers, or I'm completely out of the loop for the going rate for someone like me to speak at corporate events. Or on the positive side, I'm just really that awesome and I could be the next Oprah." Okay, maybe not Oprah, but maybe her friend Gail. (ha). Anyway, a conversation about it ensued, and then I came the conclusion that she was right. I am not charging enough for my keynotes. But I refused to think that I was a loser speaker or that I was that out of the loop that much. I had to turn to other possibilities.
If I'm undercharging, does that mean that I don't value my message or my work or even myself? I didn't think so. But I had to dig deep and think about it. What were my subconscious thoughts that were blocking me from thinking I that I should charge more? I had a few answers (such as my sisters saying, "You're a doctor? People actually listen to you? Bahahaha!!") Keep in mind, my sisters are only teasing me. They are actually very supportive. But in the back of my head, I am just their little sister. Could that be holding me back? Actually, I have a whole other blog to write on that topic sometime. That will be fun.
Anyway, I regularly speak and write about the subconscious beliefs we all have that are holding us back. But it wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that I had to analyze my own hidden beliefs. Trust me, I've done a lot of self-reflection over the years, but there is always something new to discover about yourself if you just keep on digging!
So that got me thinking about all of you.
Several blogs ago, I wrote about what to do (or think) when other people don't value you. So what if YOU are the one who is not valuing YOURSELF enough? I'm sure plenty of other people value you, but what if you have become your own worst enemy ... your own invisible obstacle?
Don't worry. It's not that hard to change. But you do need to start examining your thought processes. Here are 4 things that may be going through your mind without you even knowing it. And, of course, all of them are holding you back. Do any of them sound like you?
1. "I'm just helping people. I don't need money for it."
Helping people is great. We should all be helping people. But at what point does that turn from helping them to getting used by them? Accepting money for a service is called an energy exchange. If you do nice things for a friend and you never get thanked (or maybe they never do anything nice in return for you), well, you're kind of getting used. The same thing applies to getting paid for services. Money is an energy exchange - a symbolic "thank you." And it's a vitally important one too. Without it, you have the potential of being used.
2. "I feel bad taking money from people."
Do you feel bad collecting your paycheck? No. Do you think that McDonald's feels bad for accepting money for your Quarter Pounder with Cheese? No. Do you think that a movie star has a problem accepting money from their blockbuster? No. Of course not! It all sounds kind of silly when you re-frame it like that, doesn't it? So why would you ever feel bad for accepting money from people? As I said in #1, it's simply an energy exchange. Think of it as doing the person a favor by allowing them to be a giver.
3. "They can't afford it, so I'll take whatever they can give me."
If they can't afford you, then maybe they should find someone else. And I don't mean that in a condescending way. But there is always someone who will do the job cheaper than you ... at least there should be. You see, if you are the one at the bottom of the barrel who is accepting everyone's sloppy seconds, then you don't value yourself enough. You should be passing your sloppy seconds on to other people.
4. "I'm humble. I'm just lil' ol' me."
Ahhhhh....being humble is a great characteristic, isn't it? Well, not when it comes to money!! Being humble undervalues yourself. Now I'm not telling you to become conceited and stuck up. In fact, I'm telling you quite the opposite. But just know that being proud of yourself and your accomplishments is not conceit. We are all valuable and accomplished in our own ways. Have someone read your resume out loud to you. Trust me, it will give you a whole new perspective, and you'll finally realize how awesome you are.
Yes, I had all these 4 thoughts going through my mind at one time or another in my life. I knew they affected me in the past, but I think I wasn't quite aware that they were still affecting me until it was pointed out to me that I need to charge more for my keynotes. Keep in mind that growth is a process. It doesn't happen overnight. So if you keep discovering things you need to change about yourself in order to be happier and more successful, then good for you! That means that you are not stagnant. You are moving forward and getting better every day.
If you heard your own voice in these 4 statements above, I challenge you to re-program your subconscious and get rid of these self-defeating ideas. They are hogwash! They are only true if you think they are true. Otherwise, they are just unproductive lies you are telling yourself and they are holding you back.
Cheers! To your success!! :)
Everyone has experienced fear. And fear comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes. It can be disguised as jealousy, envy, or fake self-confidence. When we think of fear, we usually think it is related to something that is obviously scary – such as sky diving (you would have to put a gun to my head and push me out of that plane before I would do that), bungee jumping (ditto), public speaking (haha I teach that, what does that say about me?), or losing a loved one (unfortunately most of us know what that feels like). But that’s not the kind of fear I’m going to talk about in this blog. I want to talk about the not-so-obvious kind of fear. It’s one that no one even really speaks about much. It’s the fear of being jealous of yourself - and your past successes.
I may not be making myself clear. Let’s take some examples. Here’s one: Michael Jackson. In death, I think he still holds the world record for the number of albums sold with Thriller. And we all know that the poor guy had some “issues” (why else would anyone get all that plastic surgery?). But I’m not here to say anything bad about the King of Pop. He was one-of-kind and a musical genius. What I am here to say about him is that allegedly (I read or heard about it from a very reliable source, I’m sure) … allegedly … he spent the rest of his life worrying that he could never reach that height success again like he did in his Thriller days. And guess what? He didn’t. Does that mean he wasn’t successful? Of course not! Just not as successful as he was with Thriller. But allegedly, that ate away at him and he kept chasing his Thriller days until his dying day.
Honestly, I had never really thought about that before (not Michael Jackson, just the concept of fearing yourself and your past success). I write a lot about following your dreams and having the courage to do it. But rarely do people talk about what happens after you achieve your dreams.
I mentioned in my blog last week that one of my recent articles for Lifehack had gotten a lot of shares on social media (at the moment it sits at about 81,000). And I have another article that has been shared almost 45,00 times. I don’t know how many numbers it takes to say something has gone “viral” (I’m sure it’s more than 81,000). But in my mind, I’m doing a little happy dance singing to myself “I’ve gone viral! I’ve gone viral!” Okay, I’m not really doing that. But I am kind of amazed at the success of the articles. And that got me thinking…
What if my future articles can’t match the success of these? What if this is ‘it’ for me???
Suddenly I felt like Michael Jackson.
And a little silly for thinking that, too.
But my line of thinking is probably not that different than a lot of other people’s. You don’t have to be a celebrity to fear that you’ve gone as far as you can go and that there’s nowhere else to go but down. We all can feel that way from time to time. And it doesn’t even have to be career-related. I think a lot of people have these thoughts when it comes to aging. I even wrote a blog about it a while back that got pubished on Thoughtcatalog.com. Click here to read it.
Here’s the take-away that I want to leave you with today. We need to stop fearing ourselves and our past. The past is the past. Dwelling on whether your next article will go viral (ha) or mourning when you were 50 pounds skinnier 10 years ago won’t do us any good. We need to live in the NOW. We can’t repeat the past. All we can do is look forward to the future.
Onward and Upward.
Or at least onward and sideways.
I think the “direction” is all a matter of perception anyway. If you think you’re going “down,” then you are. But if you reframe it, you will never go down, you will just move somewhere new.
So take some time this week so think about what you fear from your past. What do you dwell upon, and mourn, and fear that will never happen again? Once you discover it, let it go. Putting negative energy into it won’t make it any better.
Here’s a great quote from Picasso that pretty much sums up everything I just said:
"My old paintings no longer interest me. I'm much more curious about those I haven't done yet." ~Pablo Picasso, at age 79
Onward and Upward. Always…
Do you have ‘haters?’ You know who I’m talking about - the kind of person who will find fault with pretty much anything. You could be Jesus, Mother Teresa, or Gandhi and they would still find something wrong with you (or what you have to say). Well, if you have haters, then congratulations! You’re doing something right. My grandmother always told my mom growing up that “If your head is above the crowd, someone is always going to try to chop it down.” Unfortunately, she’s right. Luckily, most people in the world are nice. But when that occasional ‘hater’ pops up, what should you do? I'll have some suggestions for you here in a bit. But let me first give you an example from my life.
As many of you know, I am a fairly regular writer for Lifehack.org (the term “Lifehack” means “any advice, resource, tip, or trick that will help you get things done more efficiently and effectively”). I love writing for them because it’s almost like writing a second blog. It gives me another outlet to help people. One of my recent articles has been shared on social media almost 74,000 times. I am truly humbled that so many people liked my article enough to share it. However, this morning I just realized that I had a lot of comments about the article. So I decided to read them. Most of them were positive, but there were a few of them that were pretty brutal. One of them said, “It’s amazing what can pass for a “Ph.D” these days.” And another called one of my points “asinine.” And another one called me an “egomanic.” I think that one was my favorite! Yep, it was. I have been called some things in my lifetime, but NEVER an egomanic! I laughed really hard at that one.
Did it make me feel good to read these comments? Of course not. I’d be lying if I said it did. But after the first initial “sting,” I just reframed it. I realized that these haters probably hate on everything. Not that my article was perfect, but it was written by me. So it’s my perspective and opinion. And anyone who knows me knows that I always encourage debate and disagreement. I don’t shy away from it at all. In fact, I think it helps us grow when we see other ways of looking at things. So I decided to take the high road and reply to everyone’s comments in a positive way.
I thanked them all for reading. And I never, ever, sunk to the level of the ‘hater.’ I won’t lie and say I didn’t want to write a few zingers back to them, but that would do me no good. I write so I can help people and set an example of love. So that’s what I did - I replied with kindness and love. I wished them happiness, success, and Godspeed. I really wish I could be a fly on the wall when they read my reaction. They were probably expecting a ‘hating’ response in return. But they didn’t get it.
Here are 4 suggestions for dealing with the ‘haters’ in your life:
1. Don’t sink to their level.
Rise above it and be the better person. Be an example of positive behavior for them to emulate. They probably won’t, but at least they won’t be able to say anything else bad about you.
2. Don’t care.
The more you let yourself get riled up about their negativity, the more you are hurting yourself. That’s what ‘haters’ want to do – hurt you. So if you allow yourself to be hurt, then you are giving them power. Don’t do that. Own your power and love yourself. Turn your attention away from their ‘hating.’
3. Feel sorry for them.
‘Haters’ aren’t made overnight. They come from a background where they have learned this behavior from somewhere. Perhaps their parents were unkind to them, so they have very low self-esteem. If so, then that’s sad. Be grateful that you are the kind of person who has had a more loving experience in life.
4. Respond with love, kindness, and respect.
I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “Kill ‘em with kindness.” It works. Wish them well, send them love, and then keep it moving. Don’t give them another thought. Don’t allow them to take up room in your thought processes. Otherwise, they win.
There you have it. My formula for dealing with the dreaded ‘haters’ of the world. They will always be there, but that doesn’t mean that we have to play into their games. It takes two people to play the ‘hater’ game, so just don’t do it. Kindly and lovingly walking away from their game will disarm them and ultimately, make you much happier.
Have a great week, and may it be free of ‘haters!’
Dr. Carol Morgan &
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