Dear Dr. Carol,
About a week ago, I met this great guy. And so far, we’ve already had 3 dates! As far as I can tell so far, he seems like me quite a bit because he is putting effort into “chasing” me.
I am so excited that I got to meet him because I’m very picky and don’t find most guys attractive.
But as time goes on and I get to know him better, I’m becoming more and more insecure. He’s not giving me any reason to feel this way – his behavior has been attentive and good. However, here’s the thing.
During some of our conversations, he told me that he usually loses interest in women pretty quickly. Even though it seemed like he had good reasons to lose this interest in them, I am just so worried that he’s going to lose interest in me too!
I think that other things that are adding to my insecurity is that he’s quite rich, good-looking, and can probably have any women he wants. I don’t want to be hurt if I fall for him but then he dumps me!
I think my insecurity might be sabotaging my ability to just enjoy the dating and see where it goes.
So, Dr. Carol, I know you’re the best dating coach in Dayton, so can you help me find a way to stop being so insecure and more positive about this potential relationship? I don’t want to fall for him and then be devastated.
Thanks for your help!
It’s not uncommon for people to be insecure in general – especially during the early days of dating. I don’t know if you met him by doing online dating, a dating app, or just the old-fashioned way. But either way, your issue resides inside you.
Our society has a way of making us all feel insecure. Think about it – all we see in the media are stick-skinny models and beautiful people. Those are NOT average people. They are an unrealistic standard. Probably less than 1% of the population looks like them.
Because we’re taught to focus so much on our outer selves and how we look, we neglect to look within… at our inner beauty.
Trust me, inner beauty is much better than outer beauty. And I’m sure you are beautiful person inside and out. You just have to believe it!!
Research has shown that men would much rather be with an average-looking woman who is confident with herself than a stunningly beautiful woman who is insecure. So that proves that inner beauty trumps outer beauty.
I don’t know the reasons you feel insecure, but it’s likely that the reasons aren’t even valid.
Here’s what you do. Write down ALL your GOOD qualities. What do you love about yourself? Ask family and friends to tell you what’s awesome about you too. Then, look the list over and over until you believe it.
The sad thing about dating is that most people go into a date thinking, “Oh gosh, I hope he/she likes ME!” When in reality, they SHOULD be thinking “Oh gosh I really hope I like THEM!”
You see, you have to have enough self-love where you don’t even care if someone doesn’t like you or rejects you. Because if they can’t recognize your beauty, then they don’t deserve you!
In other words, YOU should be “interviewing” THEM to see if they are worthy of YOU. Not the other way around.
Raising your self-esteem takes time, but you can do it!
You’re worth it.
****If you need dating coaching or online dating coaching, give me a call! I’d be happy to help you find the relationship of your dreams!****
Dear Dr. Carol,
I’m recently divorced, and 42. I am feeling confused and lost when it comes to the online dating world because a lot has changed since the last time I was “out there.”
While some of the things that are happening are amusing, they’re also frustrating and annoying as well. It seems like I’m seeing a pattern, and here it is:
It seems like men like to talk for a bit on the dating app or online dating site, and then they will ask for my phone number. From there, we start texting. I’m fine with that, because in my opinion, it’s a pretty good way to get to know someone right off the bat.
But there’s the kicker – most of the time, they start sending selfies to me and requesting that I send them too. I hate taking selfies, let alone sending them to people I don’t know. I even get “dick pics!” (ewwww!) I’m guessing that means they want to start sexting with me, but that’s just disgusting. So, how do I respond to these guys who want me to send them selfies?
The ones who are bit more respectful will only make small talk and don’t really ask me many questions about myself, my life, or what/who I’m looking for.
How and when can I ask them where all the texting between us is going? It seems endless.
How do I navigate online dating? Dr. Carol, I know you’re the best online dating coach in Dayton, so I really need your help. I would love to get some do’s and don’ts of online dating. Any advice would be appreciated!
Oh, my goodness – where do I start?! I should write a book about this. You have no idea how many times I’ve heard this question. Online dating seems to the be norm these days, but most people are clueless and frustrated with the whole dating process.
Where to begin? First of all, I will send you my Online Dating Guide that I wrote. It has all the do’s and don’ts that you are looking for. But let me highlight some of them.
First, don’t text or email a guy for too long. I wouldn’t go more than a few days. If he hasn’t asked you out on a proper date by then, you should move on to find someone who will. Men who text endlessly are either looking for a sexting buddy or maybe they’re even married and getting their jollies.
And never, ever, keep talking to a guy who sends you dick pics!!
Also, you need to move on from men who don’t ask questions in attempt to get to know you. If they don’t, that means they don’t care. They’re either looking for a Friends-with-Benefits situation, or perhaps just sex alone.
Here’s some advice about your profile. Make sure you have tasteful photos. Don’t make them “sexy” in order to attract a man. If you have pictures like that, then you’re going to keep attracting these jerks. Have professional-looking pictures that give the impression that you are looking for a serious relationship.
Also pay attention to what you write in your profile. You have to write it very carefully so that you can weed out the jerks and attract the good ones. I have strategies that can be used to do that.
I wish I could give you more advice in this short advice column, but it would turn into a book! After you look at my Online Dating Guide, please contact me if you have any questions or would like my help with the profile writing and/or dating process. I would be happy to help!
And… don’t worry. There ARE good men out there! You just need know how and where to find them.
****If you would like help with the online dating or dating process, click on the button below to schedule your free 20-minute coaching call! As an online dating coach, it would be my pleasure to help you find the person of your dreams!****
Dear Dr. Carol,
I met this guy, Don, at work five years ago. When we met, I had a boyfriend and he had a girlfriend. During those years, we both broke up with our significant others and started dating other people.
But we grew really close really quickly. We have so much in common and have so much fun together. We can talk about pretty much anything under the sun. In fact, I consider him my best friend.
When I first met him, I wasn’t particularly attracted to him. However, that has changed over the years. The better I got to know him, the more attractive he became to me.
Here’s my dilemma. Now, we’re both recently single. And I don’t know if he’s feeling the same way about me or not.
What should I do? If I tell him that I’m falling for him, then our friendship might be over. And even if it’s not over, it could be strained, awkward, and never the same again.
I think I could handle it if he didn’t like me back, but I value our friendship too much to take a chance. But then again, if I don’t tell him, then I might be missing out on the best relationship of my life!
Dr. Carol, I know you’re Dayton’s best dating coach, so I wanted to ask your opinion.
What should I do? Should I tell my best friend that I’m falling for him or not?
I understand your dilemma! I know a lot of people who have been through this.
And you are right – it’s definitely taking a risk if you tell him. But you never know, even if he doesn’t feel the same way, maybe you guys will just go back to normal and it won’t affect your friendship in a negative way.
But I understand that you are worried about loss – either losing him as a friend or just it not being the same anymore.
When I do my dating coaching, I often ask people, “At the end of your life, what would you regret doing more? Doing it or not doing it?” And by “it” I mean whatever dilemma or choice you are trying to make. And in this case, it’s telling your best friend that you’re falling for him.
So, that’s a really important question to consider.
However, you have to have a talk with yourself. If you decide to not tell him, then you have to make sure you’re going to be okay with never knowing what could have been.
In addition, you also have to mentally and emotionally prepare yourself for the worst. If you don’t get the answer you want, then do you think you can live with that? It’s not an easy question to answer, but it needs to be considered.
At the end of the day, no one can make this choice but you. There is always risk involved with love. And many times, it’s worth it!
I’m sure you are a brave lady and can survive the situation either way.
Good luck, and let me know if you need any further assistance!
****If you need dating coaching or online dating coaching, contact me today! I would love to help you find the love of your life.****
Dear Dr. Carol,
I am divorced and have recently started back on the dating scene. I’m in my mid-40s, and I was married for almost 20 years. All I can say is – wow! Dating has really changed since I was last out there.
I have gone on a few dates with several men, but I always find myself wondering how long I should wait to have sex with them? I don’t want to be a slut and do it right away, but then again, I am a 40-something woman, so I don’t want to wait forever. What are the “new rules” for how many dates you should have before you have sex?
I’ve heard you’re the best dating coach in Dayton, so I wanted to ask you about it.
Thanks in advance.
Thanks for the compliment! I love being a dating coach, so I am very happy to help you with this dilemma.
This is a great question, and you are not the only one who ponders this.
Historically, we all know that men were the ones who took the lead and did the “chasing,” so-to-speak. Decades ago, women would never call a man, ask him out on a date, or pay for anything. Let alone initiate sex!
But as we know, a lot has changed about our society – and that includes the rules for dating. That’s why I love being a dating coach; I get to help people navigate their love lives.
Let me start out by saying there is no right or wrong answer. For example, I know couples who had sex on the first date, and now they are happily married. But I also know people who took it very slowly with regards to intimacy, and it didn’t work out.
So, I think the actual number of dates you wait to have sex is very subjective.
I think perhaps it’s best to wait as long as you think is necessary. Keep in mind some men might just be out to get sex. So, you really want to keep your eye out for any red flags you might see.
I assume you are looking for a relationship and not a friends-with-benefits situation, so pay attention to your intuition and do whatever you feel is right for you. Just be mentally and emotionally prepared if the relationship doesn’t work out.
If you have any more questions or would like some dating coaching, please let me know!
If you’ve ever heard of - or read - the book The Rules, you might think that playing hard to get is the way to go to win over a man. But does it really work?
If you haven’t heard of that book, basically it was written by a couple of women who wrote down the advice that had been passed down to them throughout the generations. It gives you “rules” for how to catch and keep a man.
While I am not a fan of the book because I don’t like most of their advice, for some people, it might be useful. Because in essence, it is giving you strategies for playing hard to get.
But as an online dating coach in Dayton, I know that these strategies don’t always work.
Let’s take a look at some reasons why playing hard to get may - or may not - work.
Why Playing Hard to Get May Work
If you know anything about psychology, you know that human beings typically want what they can’t have. You have probably experienced yourself – we all have.
It’s probably because, at a primal level, we think that if something is being withheld from us then other people must want to keep it for themselves… so it must be good.
And then there’s reverse psychology. What this involves is tricking someone into thinking you want them to do the opposite of what you really want them to do. And as a result, they’ll do the “opposite” of what you want, which is really what you want. Get it?
You see, humans are very interesting creatures.
So, the “playing hard to get” tactic in dating or online dating may work sometimes. The reason is that if someone feels like they have to chase you, then you must be valuable. And people tend to value the things that they have to work for.
No one likes a needy person. Needy people are a turn-off. So, if you tend to be the type of person who wants and needs a lot of attention, then it is probably in your best interest to play hard to get so you won’t scare people off.
Why Playing Hard to Get May NOT Work
While there is evidence that does prove that people want what they can’t have, there is also another side of the coin.
Playing hard to get in dating or the online dating world can only work for so long. Because, yes, the chase is fun – for a while. But if you play hard to get TOO MUCH or for TOO LONG, then you will be sending the message that you are simply not interested.
If that happens, then your strategy has backfired.
For me, when I was dating, I didn’t purposely play hard to get. However, I am a happy, confident person who has friends and a lot of other things going on in my life. So, I have been told by guys that it seemed like I was a bit uninterested.. but they just weren’t sure. And they found it intriguing.
For example, my boyfriend Joe, the other half of my online dating coaching duo, “Her Side & His Side,” told me that he knew I was interested, but I wasn’t acting like most normal women do. I guess I rarely initiated contact and didn’t act needy. But he liked it, and here we are now in a happy, healthy relationship.
Bottom line: there is no easy answer to the question “does playing hard to get work?” It’s different for everyone. I know if someone tried it with me, I would chalk it up to them being uninterested. Then I would shrug my shoulders and move on with my life.
But I’m not everyone.
I think it’s important to walk that fine line of not being overly needy but still acting like you’re interested. It’s not an easy thing to do… but it’s the best thing to do.
***If you need any online dating or dating coaching to learn how to walk that line, contact me today. I would love to help you find the relationship of your dreams!***
We’ve all been there. We meet some guy and he seems like Prince Charming… at first. But then we get to wondering – is he too good to be true?
Chances are, he just might be.
But sometimes it’s difficult to tell. Even I have had problems deciphering the players from the good men. That’s because players are good at fooling you – at least for a while.
However, they can’t do it forever. Not if you don’t allow it.
As an online dating coach in Dayton, I have see it all. Including a lot of players and people who have been played. So, in my dating coaching, I help my client look out for the signs that they’re getting played.
Let’s take a look at some common behaviors of players when it comes to the dating game.
15 Signs You’re Getting Played
1. His behavior is inconsistent.
Maybe on your first date he told you that he “could stay with you for the next 50 years.” And you might have believed that he meant it. But then, days go by and you don’t hear from him. Ummm…really? He must not be that serious about the next 50 years if he seems really into you one minute, but you wonder about if it’s all an act the next.
2. He never takes you on dates.
In today’s world, the dating game – especially with online dating – has turned into a lot of “hanging out” or “let’s Netflix and chill.” That’s just code for “hey, let’s get together and have sex!” A person who wants a real relationship with you will take you out on actual dates and treat you with respect.
3. He never wants to see you before 9:00 p.m.
This goes hand-in-hand with “hanging out” or “Netflix and chill.” If he’s not taking you out on real dates, then he’s just in it for sex. And let’s face it, if you only hear from him late at night, then you can be sure that all he wants is a booty call. Don’t fall for it.
4. He refuses to define your relationship.
It’s been several months of “hanging out.” But no talk about defining the relationship. No words like “exclusive,” “monogamous,” “commitment” or “boyfriend/girlfriend” has ever come out of his mouth. And if you try to bring it up, he either changes the subject or says something lame like “let’s see where it goes.”
5. He’s not very affectionate.
Unless you’re having sex, he barely touches you. No hand-holding or cuddling on the couch. No arms around you in public. The reason he does that is because he doesn’t see you as his girlfriend. You’re probably even one of many girls in his life.
6. He’s always sexting with you and sends dick pics.
When you’re really attracted to someone, it’s tempting to get excited by some sexting. And even some sexy photos. But if that’s the primary topic of your texting exchanges, then you have a problem. Dick pics do not say “I respect you and want to commit to you.” They say, “let’s have sex.”
7. He shows no interest in introducing you to his family or friends.
You might have been together for quite a while – months or even years. But you still haven’t met his parents, kids (if he has any), or friends. You might make excuses for it, but the real reason is that he doesn’t want to do that because it seems like a commitment. Instead, he wants to keep his options open.
8. He never talks about the future.
You never hear the words “marriage,” “family,” or even “next year.” That’s because he’s not picturing you in his future. He might even have several girls, and if you’re just one of them, then why would he talk about the future with you?
9. He’s protective of his phone.
Every time you get near his phone, he reaches for it in a panicked kind of way. Why would he do this if he didn’t have something to hide? I would gladly hand over my phone to my boyfriend (and vice versa) because neither of us would see anything that we’re doing wrong. So, if someone is freakishly protective of their phone, he’s definitely hiding something from you.
10. He goes MIA.
You undoubtedly don’t hear from him every day. Maybe you do for a small stretch of time, but then he disappears. And you wonder, “Is he gone for good? Did he ghost me?” But then, magically he’ll come back as if nothing ever happened.
11. His words and actions don’t match.
He’ll say that he’s going to take you out this weekend, but then the day rolls around, and you haven’t even heard from him – let alone know if you’re still going out or not. When he’s with you, he’s probably a smooth talker and says how into you he is, but then he doesn’t act like it.
12. He blows hot and cold.
When you’re with him, he is all over you and you think your chemistry and passion are unique. But then, as I said earlier, he goes cold. As you can see with all these signs you’re getting played, there is a pattern of inconsistency with his behaviors.
13. He will love-bomb you.
Love-bombing is when someone compliments you, chases you, and makes you feel like the most beautiful, desirable woman in the world. And you even believe it. But in reality, it’s all bull sh**. He is just playing the game to reel you in with her words. Once he “has” you, then the compliments stop.
14. He is always busy.
It’s difficult to nail him down to make plans with him. He always has excuses for why he can’t plan something or why he has to cancel. It could be his job, his kids, or anything else in his life. But come on… no one is THAT busy. If you were a priority to him, then he’d make time to see you (aside from when he wants to have sex).
15. He never posts anything about you on social media.
Let’s say you went out to a bar one night, and you took some selfies of the two of you. And you put it on social media… and tag him. Well, it never shows up on his page. Why? Because he doesn’t want it to. He doesn’t want to be public about your “relationship” because what if that ruins his chances with other women?
No one likes to get played. But as an online dating coach in Dayton, I know it happens all the time. If you can relate to these signs of getting played, then you need to run as fast as you can.
***If you need online dating coaching, or just some help with your dating and relationship problems, contact me today. I would love to help you!***
Oh, boy. You’ve been cheated on. That’s one thing that most people fear in life, right? Right.
Why do we fear that our partner will cheat? Well, there are many reasons.
First, and most importantly, many people internalize and personalize it. They think, “What is wrong with me? Why did they want someone else and not me? Am I too fat? Too skinny? Too ugly? Too mean? Too…. (fill in the blank)?”
But what you have to realize is that,, many times cheating is not about YOU. You are not inadequate. It’s the cheater that is inadequate.
The cheater probably has cheated before, and they will cheat again.
Hence, the saying “once a cheater, always a cheater.”
Of course, you can’t apply that philosophy to everyone who cheats. There are exceptions, but as a whole, the saying is probably true – if they cheat once, they’ll do it again.
Second, being cheated on is just gross – and potentially dangerous. You don’t know what kind of STD’s the other person might have… and transmit to you. That’s a scary part of being cheated on. But most people focus on the first part – the emotional one.
How to Get Over Someone Cheating on You
As an online dating coach in Dayton, I’ve seen a lot of people who have been cheated on. And it has the potential to affect their future relationships in a negative way. So, what can you do if you find out that your partner has cheated on you?
Here are some tips.
1. Grieve the loss.
Whether or not you decide to stay with the person (which I don’t usually recommend), you need to grieve the loss. The loss of what? First, the loss of the fantasy and/or reality that your partner will always be faithful to you. That’s gone. Also, you might actually lose the person too.
2. Don’t blame yourself.
As I mentioned earlier, a lot of people look to themselves to come up with answers for why their partner cheated on them. They try to focus on their own shortcomings, and not their partner’s. And they are the ones you should really blame, not yourself.
3. Don’t blame the person they cheated with either.
I’ve always found this one odd. Many people also have a tendency to blame the person their partner cheated with. Okay, if it’s your sister or best friend, then blame away! But if it’s someone you’ve never met, then it seems a bit weird. It’s your PARTNER who you should hold accountable. They should be strong enough to not give in to ANY temptation from an outside party.
4. Ask why they cheated on you.
People cheat for a variety of reasons. Some are simply sex addicts. Some just get bored being in a monogamous relationship. Some cheat for emotional reasons, if their partner isn’t giving them enough love and affection. Whatever the reason, it’s important to discuss it with your partner.
5. Remain calm.
When talking to your partner about the cheating, there will always be the tendency to get upset, cry, and maybe even yell, scream, and name-call. But this does no good. You have to try to remain calm. Yes, I know. Easier said than done. But it’s the only way you can get some sort of answers.
6. Seek support from friends and family.
Who is better at supporting you and making you feel better than the ones you love? Some people may not want to share the fact that they’ve been cheated on, but it does help to vent to other people and get a clear perspective on the situation.
7. Keep busy.
Don’t just sit around eating ice cream and watching sad romantic movies on Netflix. That will just make it worse. You need to get out there! Go out with your friends. Get on an online dating site if you break up. Start dating. Find new people to hang out with… and maybe even a new relationship.
8. See a therapist.
Sometimes, our friends and family are not enough support for us. While the mean well, they may be too close to the situation to have an objective viewpoint. Therefore, it will always help if you go see a therapist. They can help you work through your grief and move on with your life.
9. Get tested.
As much as you probably don’t want to think about this, it is a good idea to get tested for an STD. You never know what your partner might have brought home to you if you had sex with them after they cheated. Getting tested will just ease your mind.
10. Learn how to recognize red flags for the future.
Look back on the relationship. Were there signs that you missed? Did your partner “start working late” recently? Or did they hide their phone? Or were there other changes in behavior that you should have taken notice of? Think about it and keep that in mind in the future.
11. Move on.
Regaining trust after being cheated on is incredibly difficult. It takes a lot of work and energy on both people’s parts. And sometimes it’s just not worth it. Since there’s a chance your partner might cheat again, maybe it’s better to just cut your losses and move on. Find someone else who you can trust.
Infidelity stinks. No one wants to be the victim of it. But if you want to know how to get over someone cheating on you, then these 11 tips will help you. Once you are ready, then get out there and start online dating… you’ll be happy you did!
***If you want my coaching on how to find the perfect partner for you via online dating, then contact me today!***
You’ve probably done it. I know I’ve done it. And I know countless other people who have done it too.
Yes, sex with the ex.
That sounds pretty harmless, right? I mean, it’s not like you haven’t been together many times before. So, what’s just one more time? Well, not so fast.
It’s a pretty common scenario. I don’t care if you’ve been married 50 years or been together 5 months, a lot of people “go back”… at least temporarily.
Why do people do this?
Well, there are many reasons. But none of them are good.
Bottom line, the real reason people want to have sex with their ex is because of familiarity.
It’s ironic, isn’t it? We broke up for a lot of reasons that were familiar to us. And we had intentions of moving on to someone new. We have the chance to find a better relationship with someone else, but yet so many people get caught up in the trap of having sex with your ex.
I know it’s tempting, but it’s not a good idea.
Why You Should Stop Having Sex With Your Ex
As an online dating coach in Dayton, I know that so many people struggle with having sex with your ex. It’s like there’s some part of them that doesn’t want to move on… and instead, go back.
But I always have to convince them not to do that… for these reasons.
1. You might get emotionally bonded again.
If you were with your ex for a long time and loved them, then the love might re-surface. Even if there has been a lot of time that has passed, you still might bring out that ol’ loving feeling. Sure, love is great. But not when you are trying to move on from someone. It’s like re-opening an old wound. Who wants to do that? It will just confuse you.
2. It prevents you from moving on.
Again, as an online dating coach, I frequently have to counsel people about how holding on to the ex will prevent them from moving forward and finding someone new who they are more compatible with. Even if you think it’s harmless, and you think that you’ll stop having sex with your ex once you meet someone, it’s a mental and emotional block. Just don’t do it.
3. It’ll make you miss him, and you might be tempted to get back together.
Time has a funny way of tricking our minds. The farther we get away from our breakups, the better the relationship looks in hindsight. You slowly forget about all the toxic things that broke you up in the first place. It’ll feel familiar, and you might miss the good times and be tempted to get back together. But you just need to remember all the bad things… not the good.
4. It can lead to an unhealthy pattern.
Maybe you both are just horny and so this is a convenient way to get sex. And maybe you’re both even okay with it. But it’s an unhealthy pattern to repeatedly have sex with your ex. Healthy people have sex with their current partners – not their ex. So, you don’t want this pattern to mess with your mind or your heart.
5. You might be opening yourself up to being used.
Or, maybe you want to get back together with your ex, but all they want is just sex. Well, then you might just end up being used by them. Especially if you don’t openly discuss your expectations ahead of time. You don’t want to only be someone’s sexual outlet.
6. It’s too easy.
Trust me, I know. Many people resist doing online dating or just finding someone new the old-fashioned way. Why? Because it takes effort. That’s part of why I’m an online dating coach. I take all the effort out of it. I do the searching for you and help you weed out the bad apples. Yes, it’s easy to have sex or even go back to your ex, but you have to resist it if you want to move on.
7. It won’t make him fall back in love with you.
Many females think that if they have sex with a guy, then they will be more likely to fall in love with them. But let’s face it – men are different from us. They can have anonymous sex or friends-with-benefits and never get any feelings for the other person. So, don’t think that your ex will fall back in love with you just because you start having sex again.
I know that having sex with your ex is tempting. But you have to resist it. As I’ve said before, as an online dating coach, I’ve seen it all. And the people who go back and have sex with their ex never move on. Or at least it takes them a long time to do so. Is that really what you want for yourself?
***If you need help with your dating or relationship life, let me help you. Contact me today!***
In an ideal world, all relationships would be loving and respectful. But this isn’t Utopia – it’s real life. And unfortunately, there are way too many people who are in toxic relationships.
With a normal, healthy, loving, rational person, there will be no need to learn how to stand up for yourself in a relationship. But many people are psychologically and emotionally damaged. And because of that, they use tactics in relationships to try to control other people and have the upper hand.
Usually, these people are called narcissists. They are the kind of people who only think of themselves and have absolutely no empathy for other people. The control, manipulate, gaslight, and just overall mentally and emotionally abuse you.
And just so you know … NO ONE deserves to be treated that way!
I don’t care if the abuser is your boss, your spouse, your child, your parent, or your neighbor. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect.
But what if no one taught you how to stand up for yourself in a relationship? I mean, let’s face it – that’s not something that our parents usually teach us. Instead, they teach us to shut our mouths and to follow what they say.
As an online dating coach in Dayton, I know first-hand that there are many ways that you can learn how to stand up for yourself in a relationship – even if it’s someone that you’ve just started dating.
How to Stand Up for Yourself in a Relationship
1. Be brave.
Standing up for yourself can be scary – especially if you are intimidated by the other person. And maybe you’re not intimidated, but you know they hold power over you, such as your boss. But in order to learn how to stand up for yourself in a relationship, you have to gain some courage to take action.
2. Work on your self-esteem.
Many people who don’t know how to stand up for themselves in a relationship have low self-esteem. If you don’t believe in your own self-worth, then you will let people walk all over you. Write down all the good qualities you have and focus on why you are special… and why you deserve to be treated with respect.
3. Keep notes.
Abusers love to mess with your mind. In fact, they often make up lies but sound convincing about them. That’s why you need to keep notes as evidence. When they say or do something wrong or disrespectful, write it down. That way, the next time they accuse you of something, you can take out your evidence of your behavior (and theirs) to prove them wrong.
4. Be assertive.
You can’t be meek and mild when you are learning how to stand up for yourself in a relationship. You have to be assertive. But not aggressive. There’s a difference. Aggressive behavior is name-calling and physical abuse. That’s not what we’re talking about here.
5. Be logical and rational.
In order to be assertive, you need to be logical, rational, and calm. Present the evidence from your note-taking as if you were in a courtroom presenting the information to a jury. The more calm and rational you are, the more it disarms the other person.
6. Only tolerate respectful words and behaviors.
Whenever a person starts calling you bad names or says or does anything else that is disrespectful, tell them to stop. Say that you will not tolerate that language or behavior any more. Tell them that you deserve respect and you won’t allow anything else from now on.
7. Say no.
Just because someone asks or tells you to do something, that doesn’t mean you actually have to do it. You are your own person. You make your own decisions. Don’t allow other people to push you into something that you don’t want to do. Not only is it okay to say no, it’s NECESSARY.
8. Use assertive body language.
When you close your body up, such as when you cross your arms or legs, you are sending the message that you are weak and submissive. Instead, spread out your body and take up more space, which is a dominant move. Stand or sit up straight and let them know you mean business.
9. Role play.
Grab your best friend or a family member and get into a role play. Let them pretend to be the person you need to stand up to, and practice what to say and do. The more you role play, the better you will get at standing up for yourself.
Learning how to stand up for yourself in a relationship isn’t easy. But it all starts with recognizing that you need to do it and that you are worth it. I don’t care if you’re being played by someone while you’re online dating or if you’ve been married 50 years, you need to do it because you need to love yourself!
****If you need an online dating coach, dating coach, or relationship coach, especially if you live in Dayton, contact me today. I’d love to help you!****
Ahhhhh… love. They say it’s a many splendored thing. And it is. Or at least it can be. But you might be wondering how to know you’re in love. It should be obvious, right?
Maybe, maybe not.
You see, love is complicated. As an online dating coach in Dayton, I have come up with several stages of what we call “love” from my experiences.
First, you have infatuation. This happens when you are constantly giddy over the thought of the other person. You almost feel like you are on a high, and that you’re walking on Cloud 9. And guess what? You actually are high. Science has proven that the brain of someone who is infatuated looks exactly the same as a person who is on cocaine.
But infatuation doesn’t last forever. Eventually, the chemicals in your brain calm down. And reality sets in.
For some people, that’s where the relationship ends – they can’t make it past this stage. But if you’re lucky enough to move through this, then comes what I call the “in love” stage.
I’ve seen a lot of people go through online dating and move into these two stages. And they look very similar. But you still might be asking how to know you’re in love… and not still infatuated (or in lust)?
Well, being in love involves a lot of the feelings of infatuation, but they are deeper.
But let’s take a closer look at some of the other signs so you know how to know you’re in love.
How to Know You’re in Love
1. You see their flaws, but they don’t bother you.
One of the signs that help you know how you know you’re in love is that you have hung in there long enough to know that your partner isn’t perfect. You see some of their flaws, but they don’t bother you. In fact, you might even find them endearing. When you’re not in love, these flaws would irritate you. But because you love your partner, you find them sweet.
2. You can’t picture your life without your partner.
When you think about the rest of your life, you can’t imagine it without them. You are so connected that any thought of not having them in your life makes you sad or anxious.
3. Your partner makes you want to be a better person.
Maybe you hate working out, but you are in love so you want to do it for your partner. You want to look good and be your best for them. You push yourself to grow as a person.
4. You value your partner’s opinions.
You may not agree on everything, but you truly value what your significant other thinks about everything. Whether it’s their political views or just what they think of the outfit you’re wearing, you genuinely care what they think.
5. You see yourself as a team.
There is no more “you” and “me.” It’s “us.” You want to consult your loved one about almost everything. Not that you need to, but you want to. You are a team – no longer individuals. Not that you shouldn’t maintain some sort of individuality, but overall, you know you are unit. That’s how to know you’re in love.
6. They make you a better person – the best version of yourself.
You actually like who you are when you are with them. Not only do you love them, you love yourself more when you are with them. They raise your self-esteem, and you feel like you can take on the world.
7. You have each other’s back.
You both would do anything for each other. Whether it’s calling for help with a flat tire at 2:00 in the morning, or standing up for them when another person isn’t being fair, you know that you both have each other’s back at all times.
8. They are the first person you want to call when something happens.
You just got a job offer? They’re the first person you want to call. Your dog just died? You want to call them first again. Whatever happens in your life, they are the first person you want to share it with.
9. You can talk to them for hours upon hours.
As the saying goes, “time flies when you’re having fun.” When you’re in love, being with your partner and talking to them about anything and everything, is easy. You lose track of time because you are just lost in conversation… and each other.
10. You accept each other 100%.
No one is perfect. But you both love each other unconditionally. You accept the good parts and the bad parts. There is nothing that could break your love apart.
Whether you met via online dating, dating apps, or the old-fashioned way, it’s not difficult to figure out if you’re in love. And now you know how to know if you’re in love! Because if you experience most of these ten things, then congratulations! You’re in love!
***If you need online dating coaching, let me help you. Contact me today!***
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