Don't Be A "Giving Tree!"

I’m assuming most of you have heard of the classic book, The Giving Tree. But for those of you who haven’t, it’s a children’s book about a boy and a tree. They can talk to each other. The tree and the boy love each other. But the boy is constantly taking things from the tree. So as the boy grows up, the tree gives, and gives, and then gives some more. Finally, at the end of the story, the boy is an old man and the tree is nothing but a stump. It’s supposed to be a story about love and giving. I think the moral of the story is supposed to be that you should be loving and give to other people, just like the tree does. Sounds like a lovely message for children, right?

I beg to differ.

I know this will make me unpopular with lovers of the book, but stay with me here. I will explain.

I read this book to my boys when they were little. And while I always understood that the point of the book was supposed to be a positive one, I always found myself thinking this:

 “Why doesn’t the tree love itself enough to stop being used by the boy?”

Perhaps a strange interpretation, but it’s mine nonetheless.

I felt sorry for the tree. The boy just kept taking, and taking, and taking. And then taking some more. In my opinion, the boy used the tree. He took advantage of the tree and didn’t appreciate it enough. I’m sure the tree loved the boy. And the boy loved the tree. That’s wonderful.

But why didn’t the boy ever give back?

I think many humans think that this is an acceptable dynamic between people – one person who usually gives, and the other person who usually takes. Well, I say that is cow manure! (you know what phrase I would rather use, but my mother taught me to be classy with my words…)  :)

I always teach in my interpersonal communication classes that the best relationships are the ones that have a balance between “self” and “other” -- both people need to love themselves enough to know that they deserve to receive. But they both must want to give to the other person as well.

Since we are in the full swing of the giving holiday season, I want you to think about the give-and-take dynamics in your relationships. Do you give too much? Or do you take too much? Or just the right amount?

Here are the two lessons from this blog: (1) Don’t be a doormat. Don’t allow yourself to be used and taken advantage of by other people. Love yourself enough to demand better. And (2) Don’t be selfish. Make sure you pay attention to other people’s needs too, not just your own.

If I were to re-write The Giving Tree, I would make the boy and the tree equal partners in giving and receiving. I think this would be a much better message for all of us.

Have a great week everyone! And while you’re out buying gifts to give for your loved ones, make sure they are buying you some too!! Ha!

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My book, Radical Relationship Resource: A Guide for Repairing, Letting Go, or Moving On is available on Amazon and also here on my homepage or the ‘Books’ page. I also have E-Courses now available as well. (Here’s the link for the book just in case anyone is interested!) http://www.amazon.com/Radical-Relationship-Resource-Repairing-Leting/dp/0615901468/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1382560098&sr=8-1&keywords=radical+relationship+resource

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