Are you frustrated with online dating? Or perhaps you’ve never done it before and don’t even know where to start? Well, you’ve come to the right place.
Hi everyone! I’m Carol, an online dating coach and professor. It’s my passion to help people through the online dating process and beyond.
I met the love of my life on an online dating site (see the About page for more information about that), so I know all about if from both a personal and professional perspective.And I am living proof that online dating can work! If you want to know my full story, click here to read more about my own personal journey.
And since you’re reading this blog, it tells me that you are frustrated enough to want to find an online dating coach to help you find the love or your life too, right?
So, let’s dive right in!
First of all, I want you know that we’ve all been there – wanting to find love, but it’s just not happening. You scratch your head and wonder why it’s so difficult. After all, the movies and TV shows all make it look so easy, right? Heck, even the prostitute in the classic movie, Pretty Woman, found a billionaire to love and they lived happily ever after.
So why isn’t it happening for you?
Just so know, you are NOT alone. There are countless singles in the world who feel exactly the same way you do. In fact, I used to be one of them too – before I figured how to do it right.
You might be young and want to find someone to marry and have a family with. Or, you might be newly divorced and have no idea where to start to find your next relationship.
Either way, you could probably use some help. And that’s why you should consider working with an online dating coach.
You might be thinking… a dating coach? Why do I need one of those? And where do I even find one? Where do I even look? Do need a dating coach near me, or can I find one anywhere?
There are so many questions you probably want answered before you decide to hire a dating coach. So, let’s just start by talking about why you would even need a dating coach at all.
***Side Note: If you’re more of a video kind of person than a reader, you can check out my interview with Dr. Steven Cangiano right here. I explain all about the online dating coaching process.***
Why You Should Work With an Online Dating Coach
Many people might think that working with an online dating coach signifies some sort of “weakness” on their part. This couldn’t be farther from the truth! It’s actually a sign of strength to admit that you could use a little help.
Let’s start with some common reasons that people seek out working with me.
Too little time.
You are most likely a very busy person! You have a demanding career, and at the end of the day, the last thing you want to do is go looking online for someone to date. That’s what your coach can do for you. You can just sit back and relax while they do all the work.
Unfocused about who you’re looking for.
You might not have a clue about who you think you should be dating. You might think you do, but a coach will really help you get clear on the RIGHT type of person you should be going after.
Bad online profile.
Not everyone is good at writing an online dating profile. I admit – it’s not easy! And that’s okay. If you’re not getting people to respond to your messages, let a dating coach re-write it and see how your success improves.
You’re shy or have awkward social skills.
Hey, not everyone can be an extrovert or the life of the party! And that’s perfectly fine. Just because you’re shy or might have a hard time making small talk, calming your nerves, or choosing date activities doesn’t mean you can’t have a great dating life. Let a coach help you with that.
The opposite sex confuses you.
I know, I know, people can be confusing! Men are women are quite different, and if you’re having a hard time reading the opposite sex or figuring them out, then a dating coach can help you with that as well.
You have low self-confidence.
People are attracted to confidence, and if you feel like you don’t have much of that, a dating coach can certainly help you work on yourself and project a better image on a date.
You’ve never had a long-term relationship.
Maybe you’ve never even had a relationship before, and you don’t know where to start. A dating coach is a wealth of knowledge about what a healthy and happy relationship looks like, and they can teach you.
You found a match and want to keep him or her.
Maybe you were lucky enough to find a great person, but you’re afraid you’re going to blow it with them. A dating coach can be there for you every step of the way to make sure you do the right things.
Now that we know why you probably need an online dating coach, let’s look at why you don’t necessarily need to look for one near you.
What is it Like Working with an Online Dating Coach?
The unknown is always scary. Even when you are excited about investing money in something like your love life, it is difficult to know whether you should actually take the step and make that commitment.
So, let’s talk about what it is actually like to work with a coach like me. I do different things so let’s take them one-by-one.
Here’s what I do:
Written review of your online dating profile.
Most people don’t know how to write an effective profile that will actually get them dates. So, if a client just wants me to give them tips about what to do differently, I provide a written review and suggestions for improvement.
Re-writing your online dating profile – or writing it for the first time if you are new to online dating.
If you aren’t the best writer and want me to re-write your profile for you, then I can do that too.
30-minute advice & coaching call… or Skype.
In this advice and coaching call, I will review your online dating profile if you have one. If you don’t, I will give you suggestions for how to create it. We will also discuss your dating and relationship goals as time provides.
Advice through email.
You can email me a question in as much detail as possible. I will then respond with a long, advice-filled email that gives you real-world advice and actions to take.
Advice and coaching through text.
This will give you real-time, on-the-spot advice whenever you need it. I give advice for anything! Even if you’re on a date and don’t know what to say or do in the moment.
One month of in-depth coaching.
When people are ready to dive deep with me, then they choose the one-month coaching package. This is what I do for you over the course of the month:
With the Invention of Skype, It’s no Longer Necessary to Work with a Dating Coach Near You
Technology has certainly transformed our everyday lives. You might not be old enough to remember a life without the internet, but then again you might be.
In the old days, if you wanted to find a dating coach, you probably would have to look in the yellow pages of the phone book, but you probably still wouldn’t find any listed. Even if you did, you would be limited to finding a dating coach near you.
But now, your options are limitless. You could live anywhere in the world and work with a dating coach halfway across the globe. Technology has made it so convenient. You could be sitting in your pajamas at home talking to your coach. How awesome is that?
You Should Find a Dating Coach Who Has What You Want (A Relationship, For Example)
If you were wanting to hire a financial investor, would you hire one with a low balance in their bank account? Of course not! You want to hire someone who really knows what they’re doing with money, right? And if they can’t do it for themselves, how can they do it for you?
The same is true for a dating coach. It’s best to find someone who has been through it and has had success.
I know some people who are dating coaches who have been happily married for 20 years. While that sounds great, if they have been with the same person that long, then they have no idea how the dating world has changed in the last couple of decades (especially online dating). And they have definitely never done online dating!
It’s almost impossible to give great advice about online dating to a client if a coach has never been through the process themselves.
While it’s great that they know what a successful marriage is like, they still don’t have the recent dating experience that some others do. As I just said, you want someone who has been through it themselves.
However, it’s not enough to just find a dating coach who has done dating and online dating with little or no success. Yes, it’s not easy to find “the one” online. But it’s definitely possible!
What I’m trying to say here is that you should ask questions about your coach before you hire them. Ask about their dating and relationship experience. Even if they’ve had failed relationships (as we all do), what have they learned from it? How do they use their successes and failures to help their clients?
The Bottom Line
If you have been considering the possibility of working with an online dating coach, hopefully I have given you enough reasons to actually pursue it. Everyone wants to find someone to spend their life with, and a coach can certainly maximize your odds of finding that special someone that you can spend happily ever after with.
And if you still prefer to work with an online dating coach near you, then that’s perfectly fine. But a virtual coach can offer you so many more advantages, just like the ones I discussed here. So, I suggest you go for it… what do you have to lose?
If you are ready to hire a coach, then I would LOVE to help YOU find your happily ever after! For more information about my coaching services, click here. Or click here to send me an email if you have any questions!
Wishing you love,
I’ve been there, so I know how you feel. You are about ready to give up on online dating … and maybe even finding love at all!
Am I right?
If you’re reading this, I probably am.
When I got divorced, I had two small children. And online dating was really my only option. But I had no clue how to write a good online dating profile! So, through some trial and error (and a lot of research), I finally figured it out.
Not only did I figure out how to write a good online dating profile for myself, I started helping other people do it too. When they started having much better luck too, I knew I was on to something!
And on top of that, I also got really good at reading other people’s profiles. I learned to see and interpret exactly who they are based on their photos, what they say, and what they don’t say.
Once I finally figured all of this out… it happened! I FINALLY met the love of my life (who is that awesome man in the photo with me above and to your right). And you guessed it – we met on an online dating website.
You see, your profile is everything. And I mean EVERYTHING.
It is the “face to the world” that you are putting out there. Everything in your profile carries a message to potential dates – both good and bad.
If you go to a job interview, don’t you dress up, prepare for questions, look your best, communicate well, and just put your overall “best self” out there?
Yes, you do!
So that’s EXACTLY what you should be doing with your online dating profile too.
Your profile is like your “resume” for a date or potential relationship. And just like a job search, you will have a lot of competition! So, you really need to stand out if you want to get the kind of dates you want.
But how do you write a good profile? I’m going to tell you some of the highlights, and things you MUST do if you want to find a quality man or woman.
How to Write Your Online Dating Profile
Before I get into the specifics of how to write a good online dating profile, I just wanted to let you know that I am running a special until March 30, 2020. I will write or re-write your online dating profile for HALF OFF ($99 value, now $49 for a limited time). Just click here!
Now, let's get started.
There are so many different components that you have to pay close attention to if you want to have success in the online dating world.
So, let’s start with your photos.
Do’s and Don’ts of Photos
Most people don’t pay enough attention to their photos. They just slap some up there on their profile and never give it a second thought.
But your photos are the FIRST thing that potential dates see about you! It’s your first impression. So, if you don’t put a great photo(s) out there, then they will pass you by.
Here are the “don’ts” of photos choosing…
Use old photos.
You might think you still look like that, but you probably don’t! Make them recent – no more than 3 years old. And if you look different than you did 3 years ago, take photos of you TODAY!
Use sexy photos.
Do NOT Put sexy photos of yourself on your profile. No low-cut, cleavage-revealing shirts for the ladies. No bare-chested photos for the guys (unless it’s on a beach). No duck-face selfies. In fact, NO SELFIES at all.
Put pictures of your motorcycle, boat, house, car, dog, or fish you just caught (you get the idea).
People want to date YOU, not your motorcycle. They want to see what YOU look like.
Use a profile photo of you way off in the distance.
People can’t see your face. If you want to use a photo like this, fine. But not as a profile photo. Make sure you have plenty of close-up photos without sunglasses on. Sunglasses imply that you are hiding something (other than your eyes).
Use a photo with bad lighting.
I mean, you can’t really see what a person looks like if it’s in bad lighting, right? Make your photos bright so people don’t have to struggle to imagine your face.
Use crowd photos.
You don’t want potential dates to look and wonder, “Hmmm…I wonder which one is him/her?” If you want to use a group photo to show you are social, then at least identify which one you are. And make it tasteful.
Especially your profile photo. Would you want to date someone who only has a scrowl on their face in photos? Of course not, because they don’t look very friendly. Or happy. Remember, you are putting your best self out there. Don’t make your image negative.
Take your photos at a BAD ANGLE.
You might be as beautiful as Angelina Jolie or handsome as Brad Pitt, but if you choose a photo from a bad angle, it will not reveal what you truly look like.
Examples of the DON'TS...
Smile in your profile photo.
Make the lighting bright. Look into the camera. Have a close-up of your face. Make it a recent photo. Have someone else take it for you (not a selfie).
Have at least one full-body photo.
Let’s face it – people’s faces are not necessarily representative of their entire body. People want to see what you look like – your whole self! And make sure they are recent photos!
Make your photos RESPECTABLE.
Research shows that we teach people how to treat us. And that all starts in the online dating world with our photos. If you post sexually provocative photos or ones that are otherwise inappropriate, you not attract quality people. You will only attract people who want one thing (sex).
Use crowd photos.
I know I said this was a “don’t,” but if you are a social person and want to convey that, then it’s okay. But keep the group small. Make sure you’re not doing anything too crazy. Finally, identify who you are by writing a caption for the photo.
EXAMPLES OF DO'S...
What to Say in Your Profile
Now that we know a bit about what kind of photos to choose, what are you supposed to say? Even though your photos could make or break whether someone wants to talk to you, what you say in your profile is a close second in terms of their decision-making process.
Because then it will say something like … “This user has yet to write about himself.” That’s not a good first impression.
“I hate talking about myself.”
People might think that you are insecure, and therefore, you have nothing good to say about yourself. People like partners who are confident. Not the kind who are will need constant reassurance.
“If you want to know something about me, just ask.”
This implies that you are lazy and haven’t taken the time to actually tell people about who are.
Type in all capital letters.
NO ONE TYPES IN CAPITAL LETTERS ON A REGULAR BASIS. IT MAKES IT HARD TO READ. AND IT FEELS LIKE THE PERSON IS YELLING AT YOU!!!
Use improper grammar.
“Heyyy,, whazup. Im Jane n i wanna boyfrend i lik movies do u…i lik to walk on beech I have2 kidz that r kinda fun if ya wanna no more abut me jus aks.”
Would you date someone who wrote like this? If you would, you probably shouldn’t. This kind of writing implies that they don’t know how to present themselves in a positive manner.
Write just one or two sentences.
“Hi and thanks for visiting my profile. I am a receptionist and I have two boys. I am looking for the love of my life. Is it you?”
You need to actually tell potential dates who you and what you are looking for. Do you actually know anything about this person? No.
Lie or stretch the true.
There’s an older country song by Brad Paisley called “I’m So Much Cooler Online.” Basically, it’s about a guy living in his parents’ basement who says he’s rich and a super model when he’s online. Don’t do this! In fact, don’t even stretch the truth at all. Just be honest!
Don’t be negative.
“If you’re a Born Again Christian, then I’m running for the hills!”
“No photo, no reply!”
“I’m so sick of people on this site who play mind games!”
Don’t say stuff like this! Who wants to go out with someone who starts their profile off with negativity? It might all be true, but rely on your own instincts to choose the right person – don’t go off on a rant about what or who you hate.
Summing it Up
Writing a great online dating profile is not an easy task. It takes a lot of time and thought. But if you know what you’re doing, then you will dramatically increase your chances of finding the right person!
And don’t forget, it’s not all about YOUR profile. You also need to act like an investigator and interpret other people’s profiles before you ever meet them. Because you are worthy and deserve a quality person!
I would LOVE to help you with your online dating journey! I have several services available:
* Online Dating Profile Review
* Online Dating Profile Writing
* 30-Minute Coaching Call
* Advice Through Email
* Text Coaching
* One-month coaching package
Click here for more information!
I can't wait to help you find your happily ever after! Please contact me if you have ANY questions.
Wishing you love,
Dear Dr. Carol,
I have just started dating a really great woman. We have been on three dates within a week. On the first two dates, we had coffee and talked for over four hours each time.
On Saturday, she texted me and asked if I wanted to have some drinks that night. So we did that, and also played some games of pool.
When the night was over, we hugged (I didn’t go in for a kiss) and we went our separate ways.
On Monday, I texted her and told her that I had had a good time on Saturday and asked her out for the following Friday. She said yes.
Then yesterday, she texted me and said she couldn’t go out on Friday, but asked if I was available on Sunday for brunch.
My question is, I am feeling a little uneasy that she canceled on me for Friday night and rescheduled for Sunday morning. Is there any hidden meaning in this? Should I be concerned if she really likes me?
It’s great that you found someone you really like! Let me tell you, that’s half the battle when you’re dating.
Okay, so you didn’t kiss her on the first three dates. I am not sure what your reasons were, but I’m sure you had them. Maybe you were nervous or shy. Or maybe you couldn’t read her well enough to know if she wanted to kiss you.
Obviously I am not a mind reader, so I can’t know exactly what she’s thinking. But two things definitely jumped out at me when I read your letter.
First, because you didn’t kiss her on the first three dates, she may think you don’t like her very much. And sometimes when a woman thinks that, she pulls back. I’m not saying you should have had any major make out sessions or have slept with her by now, but some women want the man to make a move early on. And perhaps in her mind you were taking too long.
Second, I think her rescheduling for Sunday is a red flag for two different reasons. First, she may be the “flaky” type of person who is not reliable and always cancels plans. If so, do you really want to be with a woman like that? It’s too soon to know if she falls into this category, but it’s a definite possibility since she’s doing it so soon in the dating process.
The other reason the rescheduling may be a red flag is that she may think of you as just a friend. Whether it’s because you didn’t kiss her, or she isn’t feeling any chemistry with you, well, we don’t know. But think about it – a Friday night date has much more romantic overtones than a Sunday brunch “date.” She might be trying to pigeon-hole you into the “friend zone.” She probably really likes your company, but perhaps she’s sending you a message about her level of romantic interest in you (or lack thereof).
Bottom line, you need to do one of two things. You could go in for a kiss after your brunch date and see how she reacts. If she reacts positively, then I would suggest that you continue to explore the relationship and see where it goes. If you don’t want to do that, you could just be straight forward with her and ask her how she feels about dating you. Does she see you more of a friend or a potential boyfriend/partner? Either way, you’ll probably get your answer.
Good luck, and keep me posted about how it goes!
I watch the Today Show every morning. And a few days ago, they had a really interesting segment that discussed whether or not people in marriages should undergo a “performance review.” While you might be shaking your head and doubling over with uncontrollable laughter at the mere thought of it, I want you to stop and think about it after you’re done laughing. Sure, it sounds silly. But is it really?
Let’s think about this for a second. Why do businesses do performance reviews of their employees? Well, they do it so they can keep the productivity at a peak level, right? What would happen if no one ever had a critique of the job they were doing? Would they still put in their best effort, or would they slack off?
I suppose the answer varies from person to person. As an online dating coach in Dayton, I know first hand that some people just naturally put in 100% effort, while others will look for every excuse to be lazy if they don’t get caught. But the performance review at least holds people accountable for their actions. And it rewards and punishes accordingly.
Some businesses even do a 360 degree type of performance review where they invite employee feedback to assess the effectiveness of the leadership within the organization. In my opinion, this is brilliant. Not only does it hold the employees responsible for their behavior, it also does the same for the management.
So, we’re all familiar with the concept of performance reviews, and as an online dating coach, I think they're a brilliant idea. You may or may not like them, but they do serve a purpose. I assume the only people who don’t like them are the ones who are not doing their job to the best of their ability. They somehow know they will not get a good review.
Not only am I an online dating coach, I also teach communication and relationship classes for a living. And one of the things I always say to my students is this: “Relationships are like plants. If you don’t water them, attend to them, and care for them daily, they will die.” That seems like an obvious statement when it’s about plants. But how many people look at their relationships the same way? How many people water and feed their relationship? Not a lot.
Unfortunately, I think a lot of people have the following pattern: in the beginning of a relationship, they put forth their best “self.” They dress well, speak well, and do all the “right” things. But then reality sets in, and people get lazy. It’s almost as if they’re thinking “Ahhhh…I finally ‘got’ them … my work here is done!” Let’s face it – that when the work starts!
In order to be the best version of yourself and have the best relationship, you have to put in effort! It’s no different than what it takes to be healthy and fit - you have to put in effort to eat well and exercise daily. In order to be successful at your career and advance, you have to put in time and energy at your job. And in order to have a successful, happy relationships and/or marriage, it takes effort!
If both people don’t put forth their best efforts in relationships, then what happens? The relationship suffers, and the people suffer. So, wouldn’t it be a good idea to put in some effort to avert disaster? In the long run, it’s a small price to pay. It’s sort of like keeping a close eye on your weight so you don’t accidentally gain 300 pounds and develop health problems like diabetes or heart disease. It’s a lot easier to fix a smaller problem than it is a huge one.
What are the things that should go into a relationship performance review? Here are some key points that are tops on my list. I base this not only on my education and professional background, but also on my own personal experience.
I think we might have world peace if everyone practiced empathy. Sure, that might be an exaggeration, but maybe not. Regardless, both partners need to try to understand each other’s point of view. Even if you can’t relate to what the other person is saying, you still need to convey that you are trying. And if all else fails, then you both should agree to disagree…but do it with mutual respect.
Being a good listener is more than just keeping your mouth shut. It involves paraphrasing, asking probing questions, seeking out understanding of both the content of the message and the emotion/feelings behind it. In short, being a good listener says, “I’m here. I’m present. You’re important to me.”
3. Conflict management skills
There are many ways people handle conflict, and most of them are not productive. Avoiding, competing, and accommodating are generally destructive to relationships. Compromising is a better strategy, but ultimately you want to collaborate with one another by viewing yourself as a team who is seeking a “win-win” result, not a “win-lose” one.
4. Patience & Acceptance
Everyone is different. So, in order to have peaceful relationships, we have to have patience with other people’s behavior. We also need to accept the person for who they are – not who you want them to be. As a dating coach, I know most people don't have these qualities.
5. Self-reflection & Personal responsibility
How aware is the person of their own actions? Do they have the ability to look at themselves and see what they are doing wrong or what they need to change? Are they able to take personal responsibility and follow up by changing their actions? Some people find it difficult to own up to their behaviors, because they see it as a loss of power. But it takes maturity to admit when you’re wrong and make things right.
If I were going to actually design an assessment form for a relationship performance review, I would include a lot more detail. But this is a good starting point. If you remember nothing else, think about this: a successful relationship occurs when both people put the other person’s needs equal to – or even before – their own.
****If you need an online dating coach or dating coach - especially in the Dayton area - please let me know. I'd love to help you!****
“Actions speak louder than words.”
Everyone has heard that expression before. But have you really thought about what it means? According to research, approximately 80-90% of the meaning of a message lies in the nonverbal part of it. That’s why it is so important to communication, and even more vital to understand the nature of it.
As an online dating coach in Dayton, I know how important body language is when it comes to relationships. But are you actually aware of your own body language? And how good are you at reading other people’s body language? In this blog, I want talk about 5 little-known facts about nonverbal communication that you might not know:
1. It’s culturally bound – mostly.
The only nonverbal behaviors that are universal throughout the world are facial expressions -the expressions of anger, happiness, sadness, disgust, surprise, and fear are basic to all humans. However, the rest of them are specific to certain cultures.
In the United States, eye contact is considered respectful. Parents tell their children to look at them when they speak because it is a sign that someone is paying attention to them. However, in some Middle Eastern and Asian cultures, eye contact is to be avoided because it might signal an inappropriate romantic interest – or it may be just plain inappropriate in a social interaction.
Moreover, certain hand signals mean different things in different cultures. For example, my sister used to travel to India a lot for business. At the time, her boss was a very enthusiastic fellow, and he always wanted people to give him a “thumbs up” sign at the end of every meeting. One day, during a video conference with people from India, he told everyone (including the Indians) to give a thumbs up.
So of course, all the Americans put up their thumbs, but the Indians just stared with blank looks on their faces, seeming confused. But then the boss encouraged the Indians to give the thumbs up again, and so they slowly and reluctantly did. As it turns out, my sister later learned that in India, that is the same as giving the middle finger in the United States. Whoops.
Imagine if you happened to be out on a date with someone from a different country and you accidentally offend them with your body language? As an online dating coach in Dayton, I've seen it all!
2. The ability to read body language is related to emotional/social intelligence.
I have always been the kind of person who is very self-aware and is able to read people very well. Because of that, I used to be confused when some people couldn’t do that. As I progressed with my education, I realized that the ability to read language is linked to emotional intelligence (EQ).
Therefore, for people like me, it comes easy. However, on the other end of the spectrum, many people with autism cannot read people’s nonverbals very well (luckily there are apps that help with that these days). Actually, there are many different kinds of intelligences.
Some people can solve the Rubik’s cube with their eyes closed or solve calculus problems in their sleep (I’m not one of those people), but they can’t read people. It doesn’t make either type of person smarter than the other; they’re just different.
So, if reading body language comes easy to you, you might be frustrated with people who can’t do it well. And as a dating coach, I know that can be a problem! But you probably should give them a break, because the chances are that they are not doing it on purpose. So you just need to be a more direct communicator.
3. Even experts can’t interpret body language effectively 100% of time.
Yes, there is a lot of research about the different meaning of nonverbal communication. And I’m sure you’ve seen the body language experts on TV who decode every little detail of a celebrity’s movement. While there may be some truth to what they say, it’s very likely that the experts are frequently wrong.
For example, I look at my watch a lot. Most people would say that sends a message like “I don’t like being with this person, so I have to leave at my earliest convenience.” But that’s not true. I am just a very time-conscious person, so I have a weird habit of always checking my watch because I have a strong need to know what time it is. Therefore, body language is very ambiguous. I didn’t even know I checked my watch all the time until someone pointed it out to me. And that's what I do as an online dating coach - help you help yourself!
4. It’s unconscious – for both the sender & receiver.
Just as I wasn’t aware that I was checking my watch all the time, most people are not usually aware of their nonverbal communication at all.
Another example is the time when my sister kept making all these serious looking faces when I was speaking about something (we were doing some business together). I kept thinking to myself, “Gosh, she HATES my ideas!” and “Why can’t she at least PRETEND to like my ideas.” So finally, I asked her, “Why do you keep making that face?!?!?” And she said, “What face?!?!” She had no idea she was doing it. But then she said that it was simply her “concentration face.”
She was just very focused and so that’s why she was looking that way. But I thought it was a look of disapproval. Sometimes the receiver doesn’t even label someone else’s nonverbal as a specific meaning, but instead just get a feeling – either good or bad. Therefore, body language mostly occurs at the unconscious level of awareness because it’s difficult to control.
5. “Micro-Expressions” are a better predictor of true feelings.
Micro-expressions are very brief facial expressions that last only a fraction of a second, and they are a sign of repressing or concealing an emotion. Normal expressions last from ½ a second to 4 seconds.
An interesting study in the book Blink by Malcolm Gladwell cites a lot of fascinating studies, and one of them examines micro-expressions of romantic couples on video. He had them talking about random things, such as their dog, a current event, or something that wouldn’t evoke negative interactions between the two of them.
Then he looked at the interactions frame by frame to view each person’s micro-expressions. Just from looking at this information from their body language, he was able to predict which couples would last and which ones would break up, with about an 80% accuracy rate.
There are so many more amazing facts about body language, but these are just a few. Hopefully you can take this information and use it to benefit your relationships – and your life!
****If you need some dating coaching or online dating coaching so you can be aware of your body language on a date, contact me today! I'd love to help you.****
“If only he would pick up on my hints so I don’t have to spell it out!”
“If only he would talk to me about his feelings!”
“If only she would let me give her advice and not just want me to listen to her problems!”
Do these thoughts ever go through your mind? I’m sure they have. We have all had frustrations with the opposite sex at one point or another. It can lead to conflict, divorce, and pain if we don’t try to understand each other more. But no one ever teaches us about gender differences, unless you happen to come across a class like mine when you are in college.
Not only am I an online dating coach in Dayton, I have been teaching gender communication for nearly 20 years, and it’s my favorite class. Why? Because my students become mesmerized. They have so many “Ah Ha!” moments. I love that!
Here are 8 research-proven facts about gender that could be helpful to you:
1. People start “gender-izing” before a baby is even born.
I know people who decorate their baby boy’s room with images of footballs, basketballs, and anything else sports-related. And they decorate girls’ rooms with pink colors, flowers, and frilly things. And don’t forget the flower headbands on the girl babies! The point here is that we are all so obsessed with labeling our children that we automatically set forth these unspoken expectations even before they are born.
2. Gender ideals are culturally bound (and time-bound).
American women shave their legs and arm pits. But in some other areas of the world, this isn’t so. And back several hundred years ago, the gender ideal for a woman was to be overweight and have very white skin (because it meant they were rich enough to eat well and not work in the fields).
Now it’s the opposite. So gender ideals are very relative - even within families. Some families expect traditional gender roles from their children, while others welcome challenging those boundaries.
3. We tend to model our same-sex parent’s behavior.
The Social Learning Theory suggests that we model the behavior that we see on a regular basis. Therefore, if your mom wore make-up, did all the household chores, and was a stay-at-home mom, then you are more likely to follow in her footsteps.
However, if your dad stayed at home with the kids while your mom was CEO of a company, you are more likely to follow their behavior. This theory makes gender behavior a little more individualistic and relative to families.
4. Males and females learn differently and are not treated the same in the classroom.
I’m sure you’ve heard that boys tend to be better at math, science, and spatial subjects. And girls are better at reading and language. But did you know that teachers also treat them differently?
From pre-school to graduate school, teachers tend to focus more time and attention on male students. The reasons for this vary, but it is true.
5. Men and women tend to have different leadership styles.
Traditionally, men have dominated the public sphere (business world and everything outside the home), whereas women have dominated the private sphere. Because of that, there are different skills required to be successful in these different arenas. One of those differing skills is their leadership styles.
While there is a lot of research on the topic, men tend to be more autocratic leaders – they “tell people what to do.” On the contrary, women tend to be more democratic leaders – they ask input from their subordinates and give them more of a voice. Of course, not every male or female leader falls into these categories, but those are the tendencies.
6. Many women use “powerless” language.
As an online dating coach in Dayton, I know that females tend to use language that undercuts their power and authority, and it is also excessively polite. They often say things like, “This might be a stupid idea, but …” or “I’m so sorry, am I bothering you? I can come back later…” or “You’ll be home soon, won’t you?”
These types of ways of speaking gives up the power to the other person to say, “Yes, that’s a stupid idea” or “Yes, you’re bothering me – go away” or “No, I won’t be home soon.” Women are socialized to speak like this because they are supposed to be nice and polite to other people, but it undermines their self-confidence as well.
7. Women listen to connect with another person, and men listen to solve a problem.
When listening to a woman, men often think, “Oh my gosh, can she just GET TO THE POINT?” And women are thinking, “Why can’t he just listen to me without giving me advice and trying to fix my problem?”
Women view listening as something that bonds people. Men, however, are very goal-oriented. They don’t really see the point of just listening to someone vent if they can’t help them. Neither style is bad, they are just different!
8. The media simultaneously creates and perpetuates gender stereotypes.
As I discussed in point #2, gender ideals change and are culture-specific. And a huge area where we get messages about how we should be as a male or female is from the media. Marilyn Monroe was a bit curvier than a lot of the famous movies stars of today.
Back then, it was much more desirable to be a curvaceous woman. But today, if you don’t look darn near anorexic, then you are considered “fat.” But we can’t blame the media entirely. It does help create expectations, but it also reflects trends already happening in society as well.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. I teach an entire semester-long class about the topic of gender differences and I also incorporate it in my dating coaching, so there is no way that I could fit it all into one little article. But hopefully I gave you some information that will help you be more tolerant and forgiving of the opposite sex!
****If you need any dating or online dating coaching in Dayton - or outside of Dayton - send me a message and I'd love to help you!****
Dear Dr. Carol,
About a week ago, I met this great guy. And so far, we’ve already had 3 dates! As far as I can tell so far, he seems like me quite a bit because he is putting effort into “chasing” me.
I am so excited that I got to meet him because I’m very picky and don’t find most guys attractive.
But as time goes on and I get to know him better, I’m becoming more and more insecure. He’s not giving me any reason to feel this way – his behavior has been attentive and good. However, here’s the thing.
During some of our conversations, he told me that he usually loses interest in women pretty quickly. Even though it seemed like he had good reasons to lose this interest in them, I am just so worried that he’s going to lose interest in me too!
I think that other things that are adding to my insecurity is that he’s quite rich, good-looking, and can probably have any women he wants. I don’t want to be hurt if I fall for him but then he dumps me!
I think my insecurity might be sabotaging my ability to just enjoy the dating and see where it goes.
So, Dr. Carol, I know you’re the best dating coach in Dayton, so can you help me find a way to stop being so insecure and more positive about this potential relationship? I don’t want to fall for him and then be devastated.
Thanks for your help!
It’s not uncommon for people to be insecure in general – especially during the early days of dating. I don’t know if you met him by doing online dating, a dating app, or just the old-fashioned way. But either way, your issue resides inside you.
Our society has a way of making us all feel insecure. Think about it – all we see in the media are stick-skinny models and beautiful people. Those are NOT average people. They are an unrealistic standard. Probably less than 1% of the population looks like them.
Because we’re taught to focus so much on our outer selves and how we look, we neglect to look within… at our inner beauty.
Trust me, inner beauty is much better than outer beauty. And I’m sure you are beautiful person inside and out. You just have to believe it!!
Research has shown that men would much rather be with an average-looking woman who is confident with herself than a stunningly beautiful woman who is insecure. So that proves that inner beauty trumps outer beauty.
I don’t know the reasons you feel insecure, but it’s likely that the reasons aren’t even valid.
Here’s what you do. Write down ALL your GOOD qualities. What do you love about yourself? Ask family and friends to tell you what’s awesome about you too. Then, look the list over and over until you believe it.
The sad thing about dating is that most people go into a date thinking, “Oh gosh, I hope he/she likes ME!” When in reality, they SHOULD be thinking “Oh gosh I really hope I like THEM!”
You see, you have to have enough self-love where you don’t even care if someone doesn’t like you or rejects you. Because if they can’t recognize your beauty, then they don’t deserve you!
In other words, YOU should be “interviewing” THEM to see if they are worthy of YOU. Not the other way around.
Raising your self-esteem takes time, but you can do it!
You’re worth it.
****If you need dating coaching or online dating coaching, give me a call! I’d be happy to help you find the relationship of your dreams!****
Dear Dr. Carol,
I’m recently divorced, and 42. I am feeling confused and lost when it comes to the online dating world because a lot has changed since the last time I was “out there.”
While some of the things that are happening are amusing, they’re also frustrating and annoying as well. It seems like I’m seeing a pattern, and here it is:
It seems like men like to talk for a bit on the dating app or online dating site, and then they will ask for my phone number. From there, we start texting. I’m fine with that, because in my opinion, it’s a pretty good way to get to know someone right off the bat.
But there’s the kicker – most of the time, they start sending selfies to me and requesting that I send them too. I hate taking selfies, let alone sending them to people I don’t know. I even get “dick pics!” (ewwww!) I’m guessing that means they want to start sexting with me, but that’s just disgusting. So, how do I respond to these guys who want me to send them selfies?
The ones who are bit more respectful will only make small talk and don’t really ask me many questions about myself, my life, or what/who I’m looking for.
How and when can I ask them where all the texting between us is going? It seems endless.
How do I navigate online dating? Dr. Carol, I know you’re the best online dating coach in Dayton, so I really need your help. I would love to get some do’s and don’ts of online dating. Any advice would be appreciated!
Oh, my goodness – where do I start?! I should write a book about this. You have no idea how many times I’ve heard this question. Online dating seems to the be norm these days, but most people are clueless and frustrated with the whole dating process.
Where to begin? First of all, I will send you my Online Dating Guide that I wrote. It has all the do’s and don’ts that you are looking for. But let me highlight some of them.
First, don’t text or email a guy for too long. I wouldn’t go more than a few days. If he hasn’t asked you out on a proper date by then, you should move on to find someone who will. Men who text endlessly are either looking for a sexting buddy or maybe they’re even married and getting their jollies.
And never, ever, keep talking to a guy who sends you dick pics!!
Also, you need to move on from men who don’t ask questions in attempt to get to know you. If they don’t, that means they don’t care. They’re either looking for a Friends-with-Benefits situation, or perhaps just sex alone.
Here’s some advice about your profile. Make sure you have tasteful photos. Don’t make them “sexy” in order to attract a man. If you have pictures like that, then you’re going to keep attracting these jerks. Have professional-looking pictures that give the impression that you are looking for a serious relationship.
Also pay attention to what you write in your profile. You have to write it very carefully so that you can weed out the jerks and attract the good ones. I have strategies that can be used to do that.
I wish I could give you more advice in this short advice column, but it would turn into a book! After you look at my Online Dating Guide, please contact me if you have any questions or would like my help with the profile writing and/or dating process. I would be happy to help!
And… don’t worry. There ARE good men out there! You just need know how and where to find them.
****If you would like help with the online dating or dating process, click on the button below to schedule your free 20-minute coaching call! As an online dating coach, it would be my pleasure to help you find the person of your dreams!****
Dear Dr. Carol,
I met this guy, Don, at work five years ago. When we met, I had a boyfriend and he had a girlfriend. During those years, we both broke up with our significant others and started dating other people.
But we grew really close really quickly. We have so much in common and have so much fun together. We can talk about pretty much anything under the sun. In fact, I consider him my best friend.
When I first met him, I wasn’t particularly attracted to him. However, that has changed over the years. The better I got to know him, the more attractive he became to me.
Here’s my dilemma. Now, we’re both recently single. And I don’t know if he’s feeling the same way about me or not.
What should I do? If I tell him that I’m falling for him, then our friendship might be over. And even if it’s not over, it could be strained, awkward, and never the same again.
I think I could handle it if he didn’t like me back, but I value our friendship too much to take a chance. But then again, if I don’t tell him, then I might be missing out on the best relationship of my life!
Dr. Carol, I know you’re Dayton’s best dating coach, so I wanted to ask your opinion.
What should I do? Should I tell my best friend that I’m falling for him or not?
I understand your dilemma! I know a lot of people who have been through this.
And you are right – it’s definitely taking a risk if you tell him. But you never know, even if he doesn’t feel the same way, maybe you guys will just go back to normal and it won’t affect your friendship in a negative way.
But I understand that you are worried about loss – either losing him as a friend or just it not being the same anymore.
When I do my dating coaching, I often ask people, “At the end of your life, what would you regret doing more? Doing it or not doing it?” And by “it” I mean whatever dilemma or choice you are trying to make. And in this case, it’s telling your best friend that you’re falling for him.
So, that’s a really important question to consider.
However, you have to have a talk with yourself. If you decide to not tell him, then you have to make sure you’re going to be okay with never knowing what could have been.
In addition, you also have to mentally and emotionally prepare yourself for the worst. If you don’t get the answer you want, then do you think you can live with that? It’s not an easy question to answer, but it needs to be considered.
At the end of the day, no one can make this choice but you. There is always risk involved with love. And many times, it’s worth it!
I’m sure you are a brave lady and can survive the situation either way.
Good luck, and let me know if you need any further assistance!
****If you need dating coaching or online dating coaching, contact me today! I would love to help you find the love of your life.****
Dear Dr. Carol,
I am divorced and have recently started back on the dating scene. I’m in my mid-40s, and I was married for almost 20 years. All I can say is – wow! Dating has really changed since I was last out there.
I have gone on a few dates with several men, but I always find myself wondering how long I should wait to have sex with them? I don’t want to be a slut and do it right away, but then again, I am a 40-something woman, so I don’t want to wait forever. What are the “new rules” for how many dates you should have before you have sex?
I’ve heard you’re the best dating coach in Dayton, so I wanted to ask you about it.
Thanks in advance.
Thanks for the compliment! I love being a dating coach, so I am very happy to help you with this dilemma.
This is a great question, and you are not the only one who ponders this.
Historically, we all know that men were the ones who took the lead and did the “chasing,” so-to-speak. Decades ago, women would never call a man, ask him out on a date, or pay for anything. Let alone initiate sex!
But as we know, a lot has changed about our society – and that includes the rules for dating. That’s why I love being a dating coach; I get to help people navigate their love lives.
Let me start out by saying there is no right or wrong answer. For example, I know couples who had sex on the first date, and now they are happily married. But I also know people who took it very slowly with regards to intimacy, and it didn’t work out.
So, I think the actual number of dates you wait to have sex is very subjective.
I think perhaps it’s best to wait as long as you think is necessary. Keep in mind some men might just be out to get sex. So, you really want to keep your eye out for any red flags you might see.
I assume you are looking for a relationship and not a friends-with-benefits situation, so pay attention to your intuition and do whatever you feel is right for you. Just be mentally and emotionally prepared if the relationship doesn’t work out.
If you have any more questions or would like some dating coaching, please let me know!
Dr. Carol Morgan &
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