I grew up in a family in which my parents were true to their word. If they said they would do something, they would. And they were both "what you see is what you get" kind of people. In other words, they would be the same person 30 years after you met them as they were on the first moment you shook their hand. To me, this was normal. Because of this childhood experience, I became a person who trusts easily - too easily. Most people that I know do NOT trust easily. And you would think being able to trust others like I was able to do would be a good thing. In theory, yes. In reality, NO. As a result of trusting too much, I have been burned by people. For example, I lent money to a good friend who promised me to pay me back ASAP. I trusted her. She said she would pay me back, so why wouldn't she? Right? (at least that's what I thought in my naive little head). So ... have I gotten paid back yet (almost 5 years later)? Nope. I have believed people's sunny and outgoing personality to be their true selves only to realize later (and sometimes it's years later) that it is not who the really are. Some of the people I've met who are the warmest, friendliest, most awesome people in the beginning have, unfortunately, turned out to be liars, incredibly selfish, or possess some other negative trait. But I'm not bitter. (really, I'm not) I take personal responsibility for my naivety. But I finally learned. Because of these situations in my life, I have come up with a theory: Most people have two "selves." There is the OUTER self and the INNER self. Some people's outer and inner selves match up pretty well. I call this authenticity. My family is like this, and I hope I am too (but you'll have to ask my friends. ha!). But for a lot of people, their outer self is a much different than their inner self. I call this "wearing a mask." Like I said, I used to believe people's masks. It didn't occur to me not to. Whooops...BIG mistake. So I've learned to read peoples actions, not their words. Sometimes you have to look very, very closely at all the things that are unsaid and all the clues (red flags) that might be staring you in the face (yet invisible) if you don't pay attention. You may not be as trusting as I have been (congratulations!). But even if you're not, sometimes it's difficult to see the true nature of someone at first. Because all the information we have to go on in the beginning is their "mask." But here are 4 reasons you should look beyond the mask and try to see people's INNER selves: 1. The inner self is the real person. For some reason, our culture almost supports being fake. Just take Facebook as an example. I know someone who calls it "FAKEbook" because so many people have the "perfect life" on Facebook, whereas in reality, their life is a disaster. But who wants to put that "out there?" (okay, I know plenty of people who like to air their dirty laundry, but you know what I'm talking about). 2. Falling for their mask can have negative consequences in your life. Case and point: my story about lending money. Did it ruin my life? No. Thank God. But would it be really awesome to have my money back? Ummm, YES!!! Maybe you've been cheated on. Or just been taken advantage of in some other way. Whatever your story is, falling for the mask doesn't usually make us happier. 3. Spending time with inauthentic people is exhausting and frustrating. At this point in my life, I only like to spend my time with people who are real. They are usually the more uplifting and positive ones. I don't mean to imply that I shy away from people with problems. Quite the contrary, or I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing! I do like to help people solve their problems. However, you can't really help people with their problems when they are not straight up with you. 4. At least when you know their inner self, you won't be fooled anymore. The guesswork stops. The frustration stops. You almost feel free because you don't have to deal with their inauthenticity anymore. Or at least if you do, you at least know what you're dealing with now. If you're lucky enough to have people in your life who are real with you, spend more time with them if you can. I know that's not always possible if the person wearing the mask is your spouse, sibling, boss, or parent. But if it's someone else you can spend less time with, you might want to think about doing that. I hope I have given you something to think about this week. It might help to take a look at yourself sometime too and see if there are areas where you are wearing a mask. We all do it from time to time (if you hate your boss and don't wear the "I think you're great" mask, you might get fired!). But to do it on a daily basis might not be something you want to continue. On another note ... 3 Things I want to tell you about: #1 FREE WEBINAR COMING SOON!! Due to the overwhelming positive response I've gotten to my article, "13 Things To Remember When Life Gets Rough," I have decided to dive deeper into the concepts in a webinar. Details coming SOON! #2 New 'Motivational Monday' video series is here! On Mondays - and in a little over a minute - I teach you something positive to think about to start your week of great! Here is the first one. It's about FEAR-BASED EMOTIONS ... #3 Be a part of my next book!!!
I am working with my colleague, psychologist Dr. LeslieBeth Wish, on our book series project about INTUITION! We would love for you to send us your story about your experience in listening – or not listening –to your intuitive voice or feeling about any of the following issues: Dating, Mating, and Relating Finding Your Happiness Hiring, Employees, or Choosing Business Partners Health If you're interested, just send me a message with your story! Thank you, and I look forward to connecting with you! :)
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Everyone wants to be happy. Right? That's kind of a 'no-brainer' statement. But how many people really are? Unfortunately, not everyone. So, what is the secret to happiness? Well, if I had a magic potion for it, then I would sell it ... and be a very rich woman. But I don't. All I have is this - my words of inspiration. In order to be happy, we need to have a positive mindset. For some people, this comes naturally. But for others, it doesn't. For instance, have you ever wondered why some people have the ability to stay happy regardless of what life throws their way ... while others could be billionaires and still be miserable? While I'm not a happiness researcher, I do know that there are several components to happiness. One is genetics. And another is the environment in which you grew up (nature and nurture). The real question is - which came first? Are some people happy because they were born that way? Or are they happy because they were taught how to be happy? Ahhhh ... that is the age-old question. But I'm not here to solve that mystery. I'm here to write a blog. Anyway, I was lucky enough to be born into a family of optimists. In fact, as my stepmom (who is a psychologist) pointed out, sometimes we are too optimistic. For example, she explained to me that sometimes my Dad was so positive that he ignored the problems that needed to be solved. I would tend to agree with that. But regardless of whether that trait is good or bad, I still feel like I am fortunate. Whether or not I won the 'genetic happiness lottery', I do know for a fact that from an early age, I was taught a positive way of thinking. I watched my parents' behavior, and I adopted their happiness habits. Don't get me wrong, I have gone through my share of rough times - just like everyone. But I think I have learned some habits to stay happy that I can share with you. Here are a select few: 1. Keep a gratitude journal. Too many people focus on what they don't have. They are in a perpetual mental state of "I want more ... I want better ... I am not satisfied ..." This is not gratitude. Not that wanting to improve your life is a bad thing. Of course not! But improving your life starts with appreciating what you already have. If you rolled your eyes in embarrassment because you saw yourself in that quotation of "I'm not satisfied," then listen up. If you have a roof over your head, food on your table, and a bed to sleep on, then you are more fortunate than most of the world's population. So get out a notebook and make a habit out of writing down the things that you are grateful for every day - big or "small." I put quotation marks around that word because there is no such thing as small. Even the privilege to breathe air easily or drink clean water are are not "small." I should know about the first one, since I have asthma. Ha. :) 2. Monitor your thoughts. Most people have no idea how many negative thoughts go through their mind on a constant basis. Are you one of them? When is the last time you paid attention to your thoughts? It's probably been a long time - if ever (for some people). So take the time to recognize your negative thoughts and write them down in a separate notebook (not your gratitude journal). Then ... 3. Re-frame what happens to you. Take a look at your negative thoughts that you wrote down and then write out why they are not valid. If you said something like, "I'm fat." Well, "fat" is a relative term. You may be "fat" compared to a supermodel, but not compared to a lot of people in the world. Remember, your thoughts are only that - thoughts. Thoughts are not necessarily facts. When you understand that, then you can re-frame life a in a positive way. 4.Choose positive people to spend your time with. You have probably heard the statements, "Birds of a feather flock together" or "You are who you spend the most time with." That certainly can be true. So if you find yourself surrounded with "Energy Vampires," spend less time with them - if you can. You know who the Energy Vampires are ... they suck the life out of you and contribute nothing positive in return. Some of the Energy Vampires might be family members, so that is a bummer. And a lot more difficult. But as much as possible, choose to surround yourself with positive people. Like I said, I don't have the patent on the magic potion of happiness (I sure wish I did!). But if you are someone who was born into a family of pessimists, or if you think that you were born with a set of genetics that predisposes you to negativity, try these things. Nothing is hopeless. You can always adopt new habits to make your life happy if you want it badly enough! I will leave you with a link to one of my new ventures - my "Mini Motivational Message." It's a short, 1-2 minute podcast with a quick thought to help you be happier! I have videos coming soon as well ... :) Here is my first Mini Motivational Message about 'Negative Payoffs' ... https://soundcloud.com/carol-morgan-ph-d/negative-payoffs And follow me me on Sound Cloud for more ... https://soundcloud.com/carol-morgan-ph-d Cheers! To your happiness!! :) For this week's blog, I am going to share a condensed version of my latest (and the most popular) article on Lifehack.org: 20 Signs You Are Succeeding In Life Even If You Don't Feel You Are. So far, it's been shared 208,000 times on social media. To me, that means that people are dying to be told that that they are doing well in life (either that or I'm a really good writer! ha!). :) I'm so happy that this article has been so well received and touched so many people. So just in case you didn't get a chance to see it, I thought I would give you some of the highlights here: We all feel like failures from time to time. While this is a normal feeling, you have to find a way to see yourself and your life from a different perspective. Sometimes we ignore the “little things.” Just because you are not a millionaire, don’t live in a mansion, and you don’t drive a fancy car, that doesn’t mean you’re a failure. In fact, it’s quite the contrary. Here are 5 signs that you are succeeding in life: 1. You have raised your standards. You don’t tolerate bad behavior any more – from other people, or even yourself. You hold people accountable for their actions. You don’t spend time with the “energy vampires” in your life anymore. 2. You let go of things that don’t make you feel good. No, this is not narcissistic even though it might seem like it. Self-love is success. Love yourself enough to say ‘no’ to anything that doesn’t make you happy, doesn’t serve your purpose, or drags you down. 3. You have moments where you appreciate who you see in the mirror. Ideally, you should appreciate who you see in the mirror at every moment. But even if that doesn’t happen, if you do it more than you used to, then that is success. Love yourself. You are awesome. 4. You have learned that setbacks and failure are part of self-growth. Not everyone can have success 100% of the time. That’s just not realistic. Life is about victories and losses. So look at your setbacks as stepping stones to something better. In reality, there really is no such thing as as setback. It’s all just part of a wondrous journey. 5. You don’t complain much.Because you know there really is nothing to complain about. Unless you really have gone through some horrific life experience and had unimaginable losses, most of what we all experience on a day-to-day basis is just mundane. And successful people know that. And they live in a space of gratitude. 6. You can celebrate others’ successes. Just because other people succeed, that doesn’t make you a failure. Applaud the people who rise to the top. The more positive energy you give to other people’s victories, the more you will create your own. 7. You accept what you can’t change. Let’s face it – there many things you can’t change in life. All you can change is how you view what happens. If you can change your negative perspective on situations to a positive one, then you are successful. 8. You change what you can. And let’s face it again – there are many things you can change in life. Successful people don’t sit around accepting the negatives that are changeable. They get out there and do something about it!! 9. You are happy. To me, this is the ultimate definition of success. It doesn’t matter what the balance is in your bank account, how big your house is, or how many fancy vacations you take. If you are happy, then you are succeeding in life. Even if you don’t see yourself in many of these 9 things, don’t fret. It’s okay. Be happy that you see yourself in just a few. In time, the rest will come. You just need to keep moving onward and upward. To read the full article, click here. Go out and make it a successful week! :) P.S. Oh, and if you want to listen to my first radio show, A Walk On The WOO Side, click here. The topic of the show is LUCID DREAMING. My guest, Dale Toland, explains the process and talks about his experiences. As some of you already know, I am a multi-dimensional person. In other words, I have a lot of crazy interests! Most of what I do in my 'day job' involves pretty normal stuff. I teach communication classes, write motivational articles (and blog), do TV appearances, and stuff like that. But what a lot of you may not know about me is that I am a deep thinker. I think about the strangest things sometimes. For example, as a kid, I remember having thoughts like, "I wonder if my friend Gail sees the color green the same way I see it? Or maybe she sees it as pink, but she just calls it green?" Ugh. Sometimes I make my own head hurt with the mental gymnastics I torture myself with. I could go on and on about the strange thoughts that go through my head, but then I would write a book. But let's just say that often, my thoughts are along the lines of the old question, "If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make any sound?" I blame my mother. She is also a deep thinker and has bestowed upon me a great curiosity for this mysterious world we live in. And my oldest son has the same "affliction" too. But I don't see it as a negative thing. However, I have been asked by some people (including my youngest son) if we could just "keep it simple" sometimes and talk about the weather or celebrity gossip (I do love talking about celebrities, so I don't mind that one!) :) I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not a person who has simple thoughts. And now you're wondering what this has to do with anything? Well, as you can tell from the photo and the title of this blog, I am adding a new adventure to my life. And I'm very excited about it!! You already know what it's called: A Walk On The WOO Side. So what exactly does 'WOO' mean, you ask? Good question. 'WOO' is anything weird. And I mean anything. If it's weird to the normal person, then it's 'WOO.' Assuming that you haven't gone to the correct page on my website to see what the heck it's all about, here it is. BrainSpeak Radio asked me to start a radio show based on the article I write for their magazine of the same name. I will interview authors, experts, and regular people who have either done research, written books, or had experiences with all things "WOO." I plan to talk about things like this: psychics, energy healings, time travel, aliens, Law of Attraction, alternate realities, out-of-body experiences, and alternative medicine. And that's just the beginning. If anyone has seen the TV show Morgan Freeman's Through the Wormhole, then you have an idea of what walking the WOO side with me will be like. Just call me Carol Morgan Freeman. Ha. I couldn't resist. :) One of the things I do in both my personal and professional lives is to get people to open their minds to new possibilities. I love getting people to look at the world in new and different ways. So even though this is a slight departure from what I normally talk about, I think it's just a new avenue to do what I've always done: offer people a new way of thinking. I can't tell you how excited I am about this! I am so grateful that the amazing people at BrainSpeak found me and asked me to do this. I've always secretly wanted to get into hosting a radio or TV show ... and become the next Oprah. But maybe I'll be Morgan Freeman instead. Carol Morgan Freeman, that is. Sorry. I just couldn't resist saying it one more time because it cracks me up! Our first show should be debuting in the next week or two. But don't worry, if WOO things are not YOUR thing, I am not going to turn this blog into anything WOO. I will resume my normal motivational tips next week. So there is no need to unsubscribe if you think I've fallen off the deep end. :) But, if you are also 'Woo'-minded like me, please take a second to 'like' our Facebook page if you would like to follow me as I take a walk on the WOO side! Here is the link to the fan page: https://www.facebook.com/walkonthewooside And here is the introductory interview that I did with Peter Julian. He is the publisher and owner of BrainSpeak and also does his own show. Take a few minutes to click on the button below to listen. And please spread the word if you have any WOO friends who might enjoy the show. Get ready to embrace your INNER WOO!! I had dinner with a good friend a few days ago, and we were celebrating rejection. I know that you're probably thinking, "What? Why the heck would they do that? Who in their right mind would celebrate rejection?" And the answer is ... US. We did. We knew it was a weird thing to do. But we still did it. Here's why. She and I have similar careers; we both speak, write books/articles, and generally try to inspire and motivate people along the way. She has a Ph.D. and is an overall awesome lady. She is also a great conversationalist, so when we got on the topic of rejection, it got good. You see, we both have had to deal with plenty of rejection in our lives - both personally and professionally. Hasn't everyone? But the funny thing is that when people get rejected, it makes them feel alone. We all think, "Why am I such a loser? Why doesn't anyone want me or see my greatness?" Let's face it: rejection hurts. No one wants to be rejected. We all want to be liked, loved, and/or adored. But deep down, we all know that it's not possible to make it through life without being rejected - probably many times. I could sit here and write all sorts of different times I've been rejected: jobs, relationships, someone in my audience, someone in the public, and the list goes on. In fact, two days ago I was the guest on Ralph Smart's webshow called Infinite Waters, Diving Deep. What an awesome man he is! You should check him out. But I digress. I had a blast on his show. It fired me up! He has a really big following, so when he posted the show, it got thousands of views right away. And on Youtube, just like on Facebook, they have the "like" button. But they also have a "dislike" button. Ouch. That hurts. And, of course, people can comment. And while most of the comments were great, and I only got 10 or so "dislikes," I still have to wonder, "What didn't they like about me? Was it the big giant zit in the middle of my forehead that day?" (yes, I did have one, and it was pretty mortifying ... and really bad timing! But I just had to suck it up and get over it because there is nothing I could do about it!). Just in case anyone is now curious to see just awful the zit really was, you can check it out on the show here. Oh, and for the record, I was also having a really bad hair day :) One person who commented on it said I that rambled on too much. And some other people said "Ralph, you are a good listener," which implies that I talked too much (there may be truth to that - I am a professor and keynote speaker, and so it's in my blood to talk, and talk, and talk...and I probably need to watch that for the next show I'm on).
Anyway, my conversation with my friend and being on Ralph's show just really got me thinking more about rejection. So I tried to come up with some words of wisdom for anyone out there reading this who has ever been rejected. #everyone 1. Get over it. If you can't change it, just ignore it. 2. Find something about yourself that you love. Focus on that. 3. Reflect on all the people who do love you. You know people love you. So think about them...not the haters. 4. Remember this quote: "I failed my way to success." - Thomas Edison All people who have done great things have failed and been rejected. It comes with the territory. The only difference between them and other people is they just keep going anyway. Well, there you have it. Trust me, it's not easy to get over rejection. And many times, the rejection we are facing is self-rejection *ahem* ( think ... giant zit on the forehead and bad hair day). That's the worst kind, actually. So be kind to yourself. Not everyone will love you, but most people will. Remember that at all times. Have a great week - and I hope it's free of rejection!! :) As I am finishing up a very busy couple of months of teaching (and other exciting professional ventures), I thought I would share one of my most popular articles with you this week. I wrote it for Lifehack.org, and it has been shared over 86,000 times on social media. I thought it was worth sharing again in my blog just in case you haven't read it yet. I have cut it down a bit for the purposes of a blog. But I will get back to my normal blogging shortly, as soon as I finish up my piles of grading :) Meanwhile, I hope you enjoy this. Here it is: One of my mottos is “Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life!” I’m a big believer that our thoughts and emotions shape our experiences. The problem is that most people aren’t even aware of their negative thoughts. It’s almost like they have just become a habit, so it seems normal to them. Here are 9 common toxic thoughts that you need to change in order to have a better life: 1. Thinking that you are a victim. You’re not a victim. So stop blaming other people or your circumstances for your problems. Just because you don’t like where you are now doesn’t mean that you can’t take personal responsibility to change it for the better. So get rid of that victim-mentality because it doesn’t help anything. In fact, it acts as an obstacle to success. Realize that you, and only you, are responsible for your destiny. 2. Thinking that you can change other people. You can’t. I had to learn this the hard way. There was a time in my life when I thought I could “motivate” and “inspire” people to be their best selves. It took me a while to realize that the only thing that can change other people isthemselves. If they don’t want to change—or don’t know how—then all of your efforts will be wasted. So don’t worry about other people. If you don’t like them “as is,” then you have the choice to not hang out with them anymore. But you don’t have the right to change them. 3. Thoughts that constantly resist “What Is.”Some things you can change. In fact, a LOT of things you can change. You can lose weight. You can find a better job. You can go back to school. You can work on your marriage. But there are some things you can’t change. Those things are simply “what is.” You can’t change that your boss is a jerk. You can change jobs, but you can’t change your boss. You can’t change the fact that you have to pay rent or your mortgage. But you can stop resisting it. Resisting the unchangeable does nothing more than frustrate you and make you miserable. So change what you can, and accept what you can’t. 4. Thinking that “The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side.” “If only I was as pretty as that girl, then I’d be happy.” Or “If only I was as rich as that guy, then I’d be happy.” Those kinds of thoughts aren’t true. Just because you think someone else has it better than you doesn’t mean they do. Maybe the pretty girl came from an abusive home and can’t get her life in order. And maybe the rich guy spends so much time at work that he never gets to see his family. The grass is not greener on the other side. So appreciate the grass you have. It’s your grass. So love it. 5. Having expectations of other people. Expectations can be deadly to happiness, even if you think your expectation is reasonable, such as having your roommate or spouse do his/her share of the chores around the house. Just because you expect it doesn’t mean they will do it. Realize that your expectations come from your personal experiences and biases. They are not necessarily other people’s priority. You probably don’t like being expected to do things that you don’t want to do, so don’t impose your expectations on others. If you don’t like their behavior, either accept it, or move on. 6. Feeling that you always need to prove that you are right. I always wonder why people will fight to the death to prove they are “right.” What’s the point? I think it’s because they don’t want to look weak. Or vulnerable. Or stupid. But I think admitting you are wrong is a much more noble and mature thing to do. Besides, everyone has a different opinion. So why not have yours and let them have theirs? 7. Worrying about what other people think. Why do you care? Do you think they are judging you? I’m going to let you in on a little secret. No one is judging you as much as you are judging yourself. Other people are too busy judging themselves just like you that they probably don’t even give you a second thought! So do what makes you happy. And if others are judging you, then it’s their problem, not yours. Ignore them and be happy anyway. 8. Thinking there is only ONE right and ONE wrong. We live in a world where we like to think there is an objective reality. But guess what? Objective reality is an illusion. It doesn’t exist. Only subjective realities do. What one person thinks is the “truth” is not the truth for someone else. For example—who’s right? The Republicans or the Democrats? Well, it depends on who you ask, right? Everyone thinks something is right because it fits their life and the way they look at the world. And that’s it. Period. End of story. 9. Believing that the past determines your future. Just because you came from a poor family, or made mistakes in the past does not mean that you can’t make your future better. If you have labeled yourself as a “failure” because of your past, then you will only continue your “failure” attitude into the future. And if you’ve heard of the self-fulfilling prophecy phenomenon, then you know that what you think, you become. So like I said in the opening paragraph: “Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life!” I hope that this article has made you think long and hard about the toxic thoughts that probably go through your mind every day. And I bet you didn’t even know it! So start paying attention to what you think, and when you catch your negative thoughts, hit the “cancel” and “delete” buttons—FAST! Recently, I did an activity in my interpersonal communication class. We were talking about interpersonal perception. In other words, how do we all judge other people based on their real or inferred characteristics? For example, I had a student many years ago who had a pink Mohawk, tattoos, and piercings all over his body. His appearance was extreme (not many people look like that), and I could have judged him negatively (like thinking he wasn’t a serious student). As it turned out, he was one of the nicest guys who was smart and contributed a lot of value to the class. But from looking at him, you never would have guessed that would be the case. Anyway, I was doing this activity with my students called “Perception of the Instructor.” I asked them 10 questions about myself that they didn’t know how to answer – they just needed to make assumptions based on the information that they already had about me. For example, I asked questions like, “Am I liberal or conservative,” and “What do I do for fun.” One of the questions was how old they think I was when I got married, and what kind of wedding do they think I had (did I elope to Vegas or have a traditional church wedding?). Anyway, they all said I got married in my early 20s. I found that interesting because I would think that they would assume I got my education earlier in life before I settled down and got married. Well it turns out that the reason they thought I got married so young is because they knew how old my kids are. And then they took the approximate age of how old they thought I was and then subtracted my kids' age to get their answer. But that’s not the point. The point is that they estimated me to be about 7-10 years younger than I am. And in my head I was screaming “Whoo hooo!!!!” Oh who am I kidding, I was screaming ‘Whoo Hoo’ in class and promising them all A’s in the class (I was joking). But I don’t tell you this story to brag. I tell you this story because of a sad reality this brings up. I told my mom later that day that my students all thought I was a lot younger than I am. And we both cheered with excitement. But then later that night, I thought this … Why is it that I’m not insulted that they think I’m younger? I mean, I have earned my wisdom through living my life pretty well so far. I have earned every fine line and emerging gray hair I have. I should be proud of my age and not want to have people think I look younger. So why is it that we all get excited when people card us at the liquor store?? (it still happens once in a blue moon!) Why do we all want to be skinny, young, and look like we just stepped out of a fashion magazine? Well, come on. It’s no secret that we live in a youth-and-beauty-obsessed culture. And I know that’s why I squealed in delight and promised them all A’s when they thought I was 10(ish) years younger. But it’s really quite sad that we get excited about looking youthful and not about being proud of our age and wisdom. So I would like you all to join with me in celebrating and appreciating our age (even if you are young). The only reason we think “being old” is unacceptable is because we all buy into our culture’s pressure and expectations of youth. But it’s subjective. Why is youth better than age and wisdom? It's not. We only think it is because we all "drank the kool aid" so to speak. So here are 5 things I want you to remember, regardless of your age: 1. You are important. 2. You have value. 3. You matter. 4. You are lovable. 5. You are beautiful. I want all of you go to out and tell everyone you know - young and old - how awesome they are! I don't care if they are overweight, a high-school drop out, a movie star, a child, a homeless person, a drug addict, or a stay-at-home mom. Everyone is beautiful in their own way. So stop "drinking the kool aid." Make up your own mind. Don't buy into what anyone else says about you - individually or culturally. Remember your greatness and embrace it!! I am a lucky mom. These two guys here on the left made me breakfast in bed on Mother's Day - but it wasn't just pouring a bowl of cereal. They made ... wait for it ... wait for it ... EGGS BENEDICT!!! Just so you know, they didn't get their culinary skills from ME. Those are their dad's genes. But not only am I lucky, I am proud. Every year they do this for me, but today they out-did themselves. To use the words of my youngest, "I bet none of my friends made their moms Eggs Benedict today. And probably most of them don't even know what Eggs Benedict is!" But it's not about the food. It's about the effort and the thought they put into it. And they took great pride in making me happy. But, I woke up to a note telling me not to come downstairs. I knew what they were doing (I bought some of the ingredients for them yesterday per their request). Nonetheless, I had to stay up in my room until it was all done. Bless their hearts, they got up at 6:30 to make it, and they weren't done until nearly 8:30. I woke up a little before 7:00. So that meant I was trapped in my room for quite some time. I didn't have my laptop, phone, or even a book. So I watched some TV (you can a see it there in the background). Just so you know, I almost never sit down to watch TV during the day. So this was a new experience for me. As I was flipping through the channels, I stumbled upon an 80's music video marathon. I hadn't planned on watching it for long, but I couldn't help but laugh at the the hair. And the clothes. And the slow-moving images in the videos. I have always looked back at myself in photos from the 80s in horror and said to myself "Ohhh, my hair! Why didn't anyone tell me how ridiculous I looked!" Then it finally dawned on me: No one told me, because everyone else looked that way too. Here's what I'm talking about. I think this was circa 1988. Pretty hideous. That's where I finally got my inspiration for this blog. And just to warn you - most of them are NOT about Mother's Day (ha). But here are 4 things I did learn: 1. Sometimes we are all a product of "groupthink." For those of you who might not be familiar with what groupthink is, it's when groups (or masses) of people take on the same way of thinking. It could be as harmless as thinking a new hairstyle is cool (think Jennifer Anniston's hair in the mid-90s). Or it could be as dangerous as a cult. But we are all victims of it and we don't even know it. I'd venture to guess that anyone who looks back at the 80s hair and fashion would agree that it all looks a little ridiculous. But, back then, we all thought it was super cool. So in a sense, we all bought into the "coolness" of the crazy clothes and hair even when we all looked silly. Groupthink? Maybe. Or maybe not. It's your call. 2. We shouldn't judge. I hate to admit it, but as I was watching the old videos, I was judging the 80s fashion. And I was also judging the bad, cheesy 80s videos (I was laughing at them). But then I realized that it wasn't very nice of me to judge that era. I lived through it. Tons of people did. Whether we were a product of groupthink or not doesn't really matter. We liked it back then. And if you have ever been into a house recently that hasn't changed its decor at all since the 1970s, you know what I'm talking about. People actually thought that puke-green kitchen appliances and orange shag carpet were cool. So who are we to judge? Someday we might look back on 2014 and think that skinny jeans and stainless steel appliances and granite countertops were hideous. So don't judge. 3. We should all get out of our ruts and try something new. I admit that my "trying something new" was sort of "forced" upon me - laying in bed on a Sunday morning watching music videos. But as I was lying there watching it all, I admit that I actually enjoyed myself. No Facebook posts to make, no kitchen to clean, no phone calls to make yet. All I had to do was sit there and watch whatever I wanted. It's kind of sad that my "something new" was watching TV in bed in the morning. But sometimes I am such a creature of habit that I need to remind myself to try something different. So thanks, boys. 4. I have some pretty awesome kids. Okay, I already knew this. But, sometimes I feel like nothing I say gets through to them. And that I have to do everything for them. But when I see my words reflected back to me or I simply leave them on their own to do something like make Eggs Benedict, they figure it out. And they do it to make me happy (although they did fight with each other along the way). I'm not quite done with the life lessons for them yet, but it's nice to see that I'm making some progress. Well, there you have it. The 4 things I learned when I was "trying something new" by watching TV in my bed on a Sunday morning. I put that phrase in quotation marks this time because my son didn't like that I wrote "trapped" earlier in the blog. He said, "Mom, you weren't trapped! You could have come downstairs or I could have brought you your laptop or phone!" I think he felt bad by "trapping" me. But I didn't feel trapped. It's actually enjoyed it. And it's because of him "trapping me" that I wrote this blog. Thanks, honey! :) Happy Mother's Day to all the awesome moms out there!! :) I was working from home today. And for some reason, I had The Dr. Oz Show on TV. I like to have "noise" in my house at all times, even if I'm not paying attention to it (I realize that's an odd habit, but for some reason silence bothers me more than noise). So at some point, my attention actually tuned into what they were saying for some reason. I think it was fate. The Higher Power was telling me what I needed to talk about in my next blog (not to sound over-dramatic or anything. ha!) Here's the topic: The word should. I can hear you thinking, "Wow, now that's a deep concept, Carol...thanks for enlightening me..." #sarcasm Sure, it doesn't sound deep. But just wait until I show you how deep it is. Let me digress a bit and tell you how difficult it is for me to force myself to do things that I don't want to do. I know most of us feel this way from time to time, or even on a regular basis. And I don't mean to imply that I am a hoarder (even though I hate cleaning) or that I fail to wake up and take my children to school (I am really not a morning person). But I have noticed that I do procrastinate on doing the things that don't make me happy (just ask my family about my "laundry-doing ability" ... it's very sad). I have always wondered why I don't do laundry more often. It's because I despise it. It's boring, tedious, and endless. Sometimes I even think to myself, "What's wrong with me? Why don't I keep up with my laundry?" But then I have to catch myself and rephrase it and say, "I wonder why I do this?" (the first statement implied that I am flawed, the second implied that I need to do some self-reflection...big difference). Okay, okay, just so you know, I am a perfectly functional person. I never send my kids to school in dirty clothes. They might not always be folded and in their drawers, but I can always go down to the laundry room and fish out some unfolded clean clothes for them every day. But this blog is not about laundry. It's about the 'shoulds' of life. Now that I think about it, laundry is a bad example. Sorry about that. Because, yes, we all need to do laundry. But here are four reasons why you should take the word 'should' out of your vocabulary: 1. The word 'should' implies that you don't really want to do it. 2. If you don't have to do it, then don't. 3. If you do something just because you think you should (and it's not absolutely necessary), it decreases your happiness. 4. If it doesn't make you happy, then don't do it. Unless you absolutely, positively have to do something, then don't do it!! Some examples are: - Serving as PTO president (just because you are an over-achiever and/or perfectionist) - Going to a co-worker's party (even though you don't like him/her) - Make gourmet meals for your family every day (if you hate cooking) - Put your kids in every sport imaginable because you don't want to look like a loser parent (if you don't enjoy it) - Spending time with your "Debbie Downer" friend (if she/he drags you down...like all "Debbie Downer" people do) I could go on and on, but then you would stop reading because the list would be endless. But I think I have made my point. At least I hope so. Do what you love. Do things that make you happy. Look to your gut and your intuition for whether you 'should' do something or not. If it feels good, then do it! If you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach, then don't! Meanwhile, I sure wish I had a "Laundry Fairy" to come to my house to rid me of all my 'shoulds.' But unfortunately, I haven't found one yet. Any takers? Yeah, I thought not. Bummer. Anyway, think about all of your 'shoulds' this week. And only do what you absolutely have to do. Everything else is optional!! You just need to remember that :) For as long as I can remember, I have hated hearing a recording of my voice. "Hate" probably isn't even a strong enough word. I literally cringed every time I heard it and said to myself in horror, "Is that what I really sound like?!?! People actually have to listen to that?!?!" Years later, after I talked to enough people, I discovered that everyone feels that way. That made me feel a little better. About 7 years ago, I started co-hosting a radio show once a month. As painful as it was in the beginning, I would occasionally go back and listen to the shows afterwards. And much to my surprise, I got used to the sound of my voice. Not only did I get used to it, the sound stopped bothering me at all. It kind of became normal. Fast forward to 2011 - the first time I saw myself on television. YIKES!!! And I thought hearing my voice was bad. Seeing myself was even worse!! I couldn't believe all the crazy facial expressions I made. And how asymmetrical my face was. And once again, I exclaimed to myself in horror, "How can anyone ever look at me when I talk?!? I must drive everyone insane!! I bet my students want to run out of the class screaming with all those weird facial expressions and hand gestures I make!!" When I told a friend of mine how I felt about it, he replied, "Carol, that's just who you are!!" In other words, he didn't think anything about it. And that got me to thinking that maybe I was the only one who ever gave it a second thought. Fast forward again ... to 2014. I'm now making educational and motivational videos for eHow.com and Inspiyr.com. And even though I've seen myself on television many times, I was still horrified at myself when I watch the videos. That is ... until ... I watched them over. And over. And over. I know I'm making myself sound like a narcissist. Honestly, I'm anything but a narcissist. But the reason I did it is because I literally could not stop analyzing my face ... even though it was causing me angst. Now I sound like a obsessive-compulisive masochist. But I'm not that either. Here's the funny thing. After I watched the videos over and over, I no longer cringed. In fact, I eventually thought, "Hey, I don't look or sound so bad. I guess it's no big deal after all." So that got me to thinking that everyone should do that. Yes, it's weird. I know. Yes, you feel self-absorbed and cheesy (no pun intended). But here are the 4 reasons why I think you should put yourself through the agony of watching yourself on video over and over: 1. You face your fears and self-doubt. Admit it. You have some fears and self-doubt. Don't we all? If you don't, then congratulations! You have just won the biggest prize in the universe entitled "Perfect Self-Esteem"!! But for the rest of us, we don't like to confront our insecurities. And many of our insecurities are based in how we look. Watching yourself on video forces you to really look at yourself. 2. You get used to it - and your fears and self-doubt start to fade. After a while, you realize it's not too bad. You stop obsessing. So what if your face is asymmetrical or you have a few wrinkles. Trust me, no one cares about your little "imperfections" nearly as much as you do! 3. You get to see yourself as other people see you. Since you finally realize that no one is probably judging you nearly as harshly as you're judging yourself, you get to see yourself through other people's eyes. What I mean by that is that you eventually end up taking off your "overly critical glasses" and learn to just relax and chill out about it. 4. You finally make peace with yourself and how you look/sound. After you watch yourself enough, you come to the place where you kind of shrug your shoulders and wonder why you ever made such a big horrific deal about it. Because really, you can't change how you look or sound. Okay, you can have plastic surgery like Michael Jackson, but who would want to do that? And who has that kind of money anyway? It's much better to just make peace with yourself. So I hope I have inspired you to watch yourself on video. As cheesy as it may sound (sorry about the pun again), take the challenge. Try it. Even though it might be painful at first, it will be worth it in the long run!! To start you off, I am sharing one of the videos that helped me. So say "cheese" and make some pretty videos of yourself this week!! :) |
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