If you are a new leader, or even a more experienced one, you know there are challenges that come with managing people. Perhaps you’re a brilliant computer programmer, but if you suddenly got promoted to be a manager; you will need an entirely different skill set. Great leaders have good social skills, and they are adaptable. Here are 10 more things you can do to make sure you are the best leader possible. 1. Listen Effectively Organizations value communication. But some leaders think they “know it all,” because they are the “one in charge,” so they don’t have to listen to their team members. However, this creates a negative atmosphere. Everyone wants their voice to be heard. So when your employees talk to you, lean forward, look into their eyes, nod, and then reflect back what they say to you. For example, if a team member just told you that a customer is angry and she is frustrated and confused about how to deal with him, you can paraphrase back to her and say, “What I hear you telling me is that you don’t know what to say to this customer to make him happy, and you would like my help. Am I correct?” This helps the employee feel valued. 2. Be Honest Lying or withholding information does not create a productive atmosphere at work. Everyone has an instinctual feeling and knows when they are not being told the truth. So if a leader lies or is not completely forthcoming with vital information, this will make his/her employees uncomfortable. When the team members aren’t comfortable with their leader, their performance decreases. So make sure you are open and honest with every person you lead. 3. Have Confidence Just because you are a person in power does not mean that you always have confidence in fulfilling that role. But remember, if someone hired you to manage other people, they must have faith in you! So have faith in yourself, too! You can do it. It all starts in the mind. Act like a leader. Think like a leader. Treat people with respect, and they will treat you the same. Have a “can-do” attitude. When your team sees your confidence, they will feel safe with you as their leader. 4. Be Direct and Specific With Your Language Ambiguity does not get the job done. For example, if a team member asks you how to accomplish a task, don’t just say, “Oh I trust you. Do what you feel is best.” Instead, give them specific information. Say something like, “I would be happy to help you. What I would like to see is for you to first get all the sales statistics together. Second, merge them into pie charts, and then when you have that done, please write up a 3 page report and give it to me by Monday. Do you have any questions? And feel free to talk to me any time if you need more support and guidance. My door is always open.” 5. Lead by Example We’ve all heard the phrase, “You talk the talk, but do you walk the walk?” Words are empty. People really do believe your actions over your words. So if you want your team to be superior employees, you need to be a superior leader. If you need them to stay until 8:00 every night for a week to get a project done, you better be there by their side. Employees emulate their leaders much in the same way that children emulate their parents. So make sure your behavior is what you want to see in your team members. 6. Plan Ahead Procrastination, anxiety and feeling rushed does not make for a productive team. So make sure you look to the future and plan everything ahead of time. While some people can work under pressure, others cannot. Make sure you share the plan of action with your team members and show them the timeline you need to follow to accomplish your projects. When everyone is on the same page and knows what is expected of them, they feel secure and more willing to get the job done. 7. Inspire Them‒Don’t Force Your Team To Do Things People do better work when they “own” what they are doing. In other words, when people are forced to do something, they will resist. So it’s important to give positive encouragement to your team. Tell them how important their work is to the project and that you have faith in them. Even if you know it’s a task they won’t enjoy doing, make sure you keep it positive. Also, give them the option of choosing which assignments they feel they are passionate about and capable of doing. 8. Show Appreciation Doing great work is wonderful, but if someone doesn’t feel valued, then they will not want to continue to give their best effort. Everyone likes to feel appreciated, even in the workplace. So make sure you thank your team members regularly. Thank them for their timeliness, staying late to finish a project, for their creativity, for inspiring other team members, or for winning a contract. Notice and acknowledge all of the accomplishments, both large and small. 9. Be Positive A great leader creates a healthy and happy team community. The best way to do this is by being positive. Don’t play into negativity. For example, if a team member says, “We’re never going to win over this customer, it’s impossible.” Don’t agree with them. Respond with, “Let’s not get negative about it. Anything can happen. We just need to figure out a way to handle this problem client in the most effective way possible. Let’s have faith about this. I know you can do it. We’re going to help you.” As the leader, your employees look to you for guidance about which direction to aim their emotions. 10. Think About Your Team’s Needs People are not just employees. They are husbands, wives, daughters, sons, friends, mothers, fathers, etc. In other words, they have a life outside of work. A great leader recognizes this. It will be common for some of your employees to need to take the day off because their child is sick and has to stay home from school. Be compassionate. Acknowledge that they have other life commitments. When they feel like you understand, they will be more likely to give 150% effort when they do come to work. 11. Be Flexible A sign of a great leader is being able to adapt your leadership style to your individual team members. For example, maybe your team member, John ,needs to be told exactly what to do or else he will accomplish nothing. If that’s the case, you should be more directive and authoritarian with John. However, maybe Jane would be insulted with that kind of style. She performs best when the leader allows her to express her creativity and lets her be self-directed. The best leaders are flexible and adjust their style for each employee. Bottom line is this: you can be a great leader. You just need to learn how. It’s not difficult, but if you keep these 11 things in mind, you will soar.
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We all like to get our way. I don’t know one person who doesn’t. But how do we make that happen? We all use persuasion every day, whether we know it or not. Getting someone to comply with what you want them to do can take place in many different contexts. You can persuade your significant other, your boss, your client, or even give a persuasive speech or presentation. Regardless of what context you are applying your persuasive skills, there are some useful strategies that can help you get what you want easily. 1. You need to give your “audience” what they want and desire. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “what’s in it for me?” And I’m sure most of you reading this have thought or even said it yourself! We all have. Let’s face it: we’re all inherently self-centered. If something doesn’t make us happier or our lives better, we are not very interested in it. So in order to persuade your “audience” (whether it is an individual or an audience of 1,000 people), you need to tell them how it is going to benefit them. You can’t just focus on yourself or they will tune out. If you focus on helping them achieve their wants and desires, they will be ready to sign on the dotted line. 2. Don’t require the “audience” to change too much. Human beings are not only self-centered‒many of us are lazy too! Anyone who has made a New Year’s Resolution to lose weight, eat healthier, and exercise more knows how difficult it is to change your habits or your lifestyle. Plus, it is much easier to persuade people on simple things (“Here! Try this new hot fudge sundae!” or “This new toothpaste is great! You should try it!”) rather than deeper convictions (“Hey! You should switch religions!” or “I love the president, but you hate him. Vote for him anyway!”). Audiences need to be exposed to a message multiple times before they even consider changing their attitudes or behaviors. 3. Make your audience like you. Let’s say you are out at a furniture store to buy a new couch and love seat. A sales person comes up to you and starts up a conversation. You had already picked out your couches, but the sales person really annoys you. He smells bad, talks too much, and follows you around yammering on and on about nothing. Even if you were just about to whip out your credit card to buy the furniture, you might just want to make your escape to get away from the sales person. You might even do that and try to find another store that sells the same couches‒I think you get the point. If your audience doesn’t like you, they’re not going to buy into what you say. Be nice, friendly, and connected. Make sure you think about the impression you’re giving off at all times. 4. Make your audience trust you. Would you vote for a political candidate who you didn’t trust? Would you lend money to a friend if you didn’t think she would pay you back? Of course not! People are more easily persuaded by others that they trust. That is one of the reasons Oprah has the “golden touch.” If she recommends a book to her audience, it automatically becomes a best-seller. Why? Because they trust Oprah! They trust her opinion, so they will automatically do what she says to do. So in order for you to get people to do what you want them to, you need to gain their trust as well. 5. Use emotional strategies to persuade them. One of the easiest ways to persuade someone is to use emotion. Great examples of this are the television commercials that show the starving children in third world countries. They ask you to donate money to them on a monthly basis so they can have clean water, food, clothes, and schooling. The visual images are very sad, and so it makes people want to give money to help them. Even in personal relationships, we use emotion to persuade. However, you have to be careful doing this. Sometimes it is not ethical if you use guilt to manipulate someone on purpose. But appealing to positive emotions like love, happiness, belonging, or togetherness is a great way to get your “audience” to agree with you. 6. Use logic to persuade your audience. Not everyone is an emotional person. Some people might be turned off by overly using emotion to persuade them. So it’s important to remember to use logic sometimes, too. If your “audience” is one person, try to assess their personality as best as you can. See if they seem to appreciate logic and rationality over emotion. But if your audience is a large group of people, you will have a mixture of different people. So the best thing to do is to combine logic with emotional appeals. That way, you will likely influence everyone in some way. 7. Use your personal qualities. If you are an expert on the topic, make sure the audience knows. Dress the part. Look the part. Act the part. Be dynamic. Be engaging. Your audience will be much more persuaded if you give them reasons why they should pay attention to you. People are very easily persuaded by people they know or respect. That is why advertisements use celebrities so often. They are recognizable, and many people will buy a product simply because that particular public figure is telling them to. So selling yourself is key to persuading others. Sometimes persuasion can be easy. Sometimes it’s difficult. But if you keep these 7 tips in mind, you will be very successful in getting what you want. We would all love to be millionaires. But let’s face it, most people never make it that far. Most of us stall somewhere around the middle class. And that’s not too bad considering the fact that half of the world’s population lives in poverty. Our culture values money and possessions — almost to the extreme. This fosters a ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ (or Kardashians) kind of mentality. People want to be rich — or at least look like they are rich. Because of this, many people make irresponsible choices when it comes to their finances, and many of them make excuses for it. Here are seven of them: 1. I always scream, “YOLO!!!!” (You Only Live Once). I’m not sure if most adults have heard this ‘Yolo’ term, but it’s one that kids tend to be using these days: “You only live once!” And that is true (unless you believe in reincarnation). But while that term implies living life to the fullest and embracing the moment, that way of thinking can get you into trouble of you don’t think about the consequences of your actions. If you rack up a pile of debt so big that you will have to spend the next 10 lifetimes paying it back, well, maybe you shouldn’t ‘live in the moment’ quite so much. 2. I need to impress everyone. This is deadly. As I said in the opening paragraph, many people do have this need. However, what is the point? Just because you don’t live in a huge house or drive a fancy car doesn’t mean that you aren’t successful. In fact, I bet most of the people who do own all the ‘rich-looking’ stuff are really drowning in debt. Wouldn’t it be better to live in a modest house and drive an average car knowing that you can sleep at night because you are not drowning in debt? I think that sounds like a better option. 3. I don’t think money is important. If you’re thinking, “Money isn’t everything!” then you are probably being financially irresponsible. Of course money is important! But if you think that it isn’t, then you have an attitude of carelessness. If you don’t think money is important, then you won’t pay attention to how or where you spend it. And this lack of attention will get you into trouble. 4. I can just live off of credit cards. You do realize that at some point you will have to pay that money back, right? And you will probably have such a huge balance that you will never pay it off. So then you might think, “Well then I can just declare bankruptcy. No big deal.” Well, guess what? Not only does bankruptcy ruin your credit for a very long time, the debt just doesn’t magically disappear. Someone pays for it. And who is that? The rest of us. The companies you don’t pay will have to raise their prices to make up for the loss — higher prices that we all have to pay. Or maybe taxpayer money will go into paying off your debt. However it works, it all comes down to one thing: not taking personal responsibility. 5. I’m already in a ton of debt, so what’s a little more? That attitude is what got you into the mountain of debt in the first place. Little by little, one small purchase after another adds up to one big mess. It’s kind of like eating a whole birthday cake in one day, bite by bite. Each bite seems harmless. But as you slowly eat your way through the whole cake, suddenly you ate just that — a whole cake. Remember that each step along the way stacks on top of the last and eventually they add up. 6. I can’t invest my money — I might lose it because it’s too risky. True, any investment is risky. However, if you are investing for retirement or for your children’s college tuition, then that is a very good reason to take the plunge. As the saying goes, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained!” So if you are avoiding a strategy that could grow your money into a nest egg in the future, then maybe you should rethink your actions. 7. I like to buy things on credit because I can take a long time to pay them off. This is like the ‘lay away’ mentality, but you actually get to enjoy the thing you bought. Yes, a house usually takes 30 years for most people to pay off. Cars take around five years. Those are normal purchases that we expect to have to pay over time. However, those are necessities. Some things you buy probably aren’t. If you find yourself thinking, “Hey, it might cost $5,000, but the payment plan says I only have to pay $20 a month…so apparently I can afford it!” Well, maybe you really can’t. Financial responsibility is really the same as personal responsibility. You just need to be self-aware enough to know that your actions have consequences, not only for yourself, but for other people as well. Work. Laundry. Dinner. Kids’ activities. PTO meetings. Social Obligations. Keeping your spouse happy. And the list goes on. You might like doing some of the above listed activities, but it certainly does stress us out sometimes! When I grew up, life seemed simpler. We didn’t have select/competitive/traveling sports teams like we do today. My mom and dad were home for dinner every single night, and we ate together and actually had a conversation. Unfortunately, this seems to be a lost art these days. I often wonder when and why society has changed so much. Why are we required to do a million things until our head explodes? This creates unneeded stress. And stress causes a whole bunch of physical problems. If you have been feeling crazy with the amount of pressure you are under, then keep reading. I have 7 tips for helping you de-stress your life. 1. Say NO. Sounds easy enough, right? Not for everyone. So many people worry too much about what other people think, so they say ‘yes’ all the time. A lot of these people are ‘people-pleasers’ - they don’t want other people to feel bad, or not like them. So they say YES all the time. But if you’ve said yes to being the president of the PTO, coaching all of your kids’ sports teams, chairing a new project at church, and working overtime, then you need to learn the two-letter word that could save you a lot of stress – NO. It’s okay to say no!! It’s not rude. It’s part of self-love. 2. Stop chasing perfection. First of all, I want to make one thing clear: there is no such thing as perfection. Yes, you heard me correctly. There is no such thing! What is perfect to me is not perfect to you! ‘Perfect’ is relative. So why would you bother chasing perfection? Even if you think you can achieve it, someone else will probably think that you are not perfect. Or vice versa. You don’t think you’re perfect, but other people do. So instead of striving for perfection, strive for excellence. Trying to be perfect just stresses people out beyond belief. And so it’s time to stop. 3. Take time for yourself. I know what you’re thinking: “How is that even possible when I am so busy and over-scheduled?” Well, if read what I wrote in #1 and #2, you will see how it’s possible. If you say ‘no’ to all the unnecessary commitments in your life, then you will have more time for yourself! If you stop caring about what other people think and stop chasing perfectionism, you will create a lot more “me-time.” Even if it’s just 5 or 10 minutes a day, it is important to take time to re-charge. If you don’t do that, your tank will be empty. And then you will have nothing left to give to your loved ones. 4. Meditate. Some people have the wrong impression of mediation. They think it’s kind of “woo-woo” and it’s only something Buddhists do. That couldn’t be farther from the truth! There are plenty of studies that show the benefits of mediation on your body and mind. There are also many download-able mediation programs that you can use to help you focus so you don’t have to do it all on your own. 5. Take supplements. I am a big believer in supplements, and I have spent years researching the good ones. Your body needs certain nutrients to help rebuild your body after too much stress. I use magnesium, melatonin (for better sleep), valerian, omega-3 fish oils, and essential oils like Lavender. Supplements don’t substitute for eating healthy, saying no, taking time for yourself, or meditating, but it sure does help the process. 6. Try Biofeedback. Most people have never even heard of biofeedback. But in a nutshell, it is a technique in which you learn to be aware of – and control – the changes in your body that are stressing you out. You are hooked up to electrical sensors that tell you when changes occur, and then you can consciously train yourself to control your body with strategies like breathing correctly to bring your blood pressure down. This is just a very simplified explanation, but it is worth looking into. My stepmom uses it in her psychology practice and has had amazing results with her patients. 7. Try Reiki. Like biofeedback, most people haven’t ever heard of Reiki either. And even if they have, they probably think it’s “woo-woo” just like mediation. But if you have an open mind, Reiki can provide lots of benefits. The first time I had it done on me, I couldn’t believe the mental and emotional change that occurred. I wasn’t even expecting to feel lighter and happier, but I did. Take some time to research it, and then you’ll see the benefits it could provide. So don’t think that you need to “Keep up with the Joneses” by staying too busy and never saying no. Stress really can be a silent killer. You owe it to yourself and your family to do everything you can to keep healthy by controlling this common, yet deadly emotion! As children, we all have our dreams. We are going to be doctors, lawyers, astronauts, or NBA players. Then reality sets in. The cost of college or graduate school deters you from going. And then you realize the chances of you making it to the NBA are small because you’re only 5’10”. Then you settle. You settle, you settle, and then you settle some more. Here are 12 signs that you have been staying in the same job too long, and it’s time to get a little inspiration to get your tushie in gear and make a change. 1. You learn absolutely nothing new at training sessions. Yeah, yeah, yeah … team building. Yaddah yaddah yaddah… leadership. Blah blah blah…diversity. If you could teach the trainings yourself, maybe you should actually go do it! 2. Your sick days and vacation days may have rolled over so long that you might lose them. Hey, it’s highly commendable that you are so healthy that you don’t need your sick days. But if your vacation days have stacked up because you can’t afford to take one, well, maybe you need to get some more ambition and move up the corporate ladder. 3. Your stack of awards for longevity on the job are piling up. It’s great that you have commitment. Commitment is good. Well, that is if you’re talking about a 50-year marriage. But if you’ve been so committed to your company, your boss, or your job that you just get numb inside when you see all the plaques on your wall for all the years you’ve been there, well, need I say more? 4. You surf the internet way too much. Either you get done with your work way too quickly (and have a lot of time left over), or there isn’t enough work for you. It doesn’t matter. Either way, your brain is searching for ways to overcome boredom. You can only watch so many YouTube videos a day before your mind becomes mush. 5. You constantly check your clock to see if it’s 5 PM yet. Is there anything worse than having time drag? I think not. Have you ever heard of the saying, “Time flies when you’re having fun?” Yeah. We all have. But if that’s not what you’re living, then there’s a problem. You should be in the moment and love what you’re doing. Not be a clock-watcher. 6. You daydream about anything … and everything. Winning the lottery. A fantasy trip to Bora Bora. Escaping your life and living on a mountain alone. It doesn’t matter. If you find yourself thinking about anything other than work, then your mind is trying to tell you that it’s bored. Prepare for the next challenge. 7. Your resume titles sound different, but the descriptions are the same. Let’s face it. Anyone who has written a “good” resume knows that it always sounds better “on paper.” A telemarketer can be a “marketing specialist.” Or a receptionist can be an “executive assistant.” Anyone who has written a good resume knows that you can spin any job into sounding cool. If you find yourself doing that, you need to move on. 8. You could sleepwalk through your job because you know it so well. While feeling confident and knowledgeable in your duties is a wonderful thing, if it becomes so routine that you could do it blindfolded and tied up, then that’s a problem. Human beings need positive challenge in life to thrive. So if you’re not getting any, it’s time to do something different. 9. You count the “ya knows” and “likes” that the newest 22-year-old is saying. You’re so bothered by the new cool lingo of the 20-somethings that, in order to keep you from doing something unacceptable, you decide to count the number of times that they say a word. Obviously, this will just drive you crazy and it won’t help you retain what they are saying. 10. You don’t even need to look at your performance review, because it’s the same. Every. Single. Time. If you just toss your review in the bottom drawer of your desk without looking at it, you might have a problem. Maybe you’re at the top of your game and you don’t need to improve. If so, that’s great. But you’ll never know what to change if you don’t even glance at it. But if you have enough experience with reading the same comments over and over, then it’s time to move on. 11. Your reasons for staying aren’t even believable to you anymore. Health insurance. Vacation. Sick days. Promotion opportunities. Your commitment to the company. While these might be some good reasons to stay, remember, when you go somewhere else, you will probably have a similar situation with all of these things. So these reasons aren’t really reasons, they’re called excuses. 12. You dream of retirement. If you start calculating how much money you’ll bring in per month between your retirement pension and social security, then you are dreaming of escape. Not many people look forward to being “old,” but if it’s your fantasy because that means freedom from the mundane doldrums of your job, then you need to start moving onward and upward. The Takeaway: Becoming stagnant in any area of our lives is not healthy. And plus, safety and security are only illusions. So be brave. Be bold. Try new things. Get a new job! Letting go. What does that really mean? Does it mean that you lose something? Or gain something? Perhaps a little bit of both. There are probably many things (and people) in your life you should probably let go. It could be difficult people, your past, your stagnant job, your adult children, or your unrealized expectations for your life. But how do you know when – or if – the time is right? Here are eight things to remember when you think you might need to let go: 1. A person’s words and actions don’t match So you thought you met the perfect romantic partner or the perfect friend. He or she might have “appeared” to be perfect for quite some time. But then somewhere along the way, you noticed his or her “perfect” facade was crumbling. He or she says one thing, but does something else. You can’t count on him or her. He or she exhausts and frustrates you. And he or she eventually becomes an “Energy Vampire” who sucks the life out of you. If this has happened to you with any people in your life, then it might be time to let them go. 2. Someone always expects you to be someone you are not Maybe your friend always wants you to go out and party with him or her, but you are more of a homebody. And if you are always doing what they want you to do, then you are repressing who you really are. Or maybe the guy you are dating expects you to be a stay-at-home mom if you get married, but you are more of a career woman. If you try to become something just because other people want you to live up to their expectations, then you won’t be happy. Stay true to yourself. Have conversations with them about it, but if you can’t come to a mutually satisfying agreement, then it could be time to let go. 3. You always feel like a victim People who have a “victim-mentality” think life happens to them and they don’t have any personal power to change things. This could not be farther from the truth. There is always something you can do to make your life better – you just have to believe it. Even if it’s changing your viewpoint about the situation, that will change how you feel. But if you are in a situation or a relationship in which you are always feeling like a victim, then you are not in a supportive environment. And it might be time to let go. 4. You are stuck too firmly in your comfort zone Not everyone is an adrenaline-junkie. In fact, many people prefer to stay safe and sound in their comfort zone. It’s familiar, easy and doesn’t take much effort. But staying in your comfort zone leads to stagnation. Just like a pond that doesn’t move and grows algae because of it, so does your life. So if you see metaphorical algae growing in your life, then it might be time to move on. There is no growth in stagnation. 5. You constantly judge yourself or others for what happened in the past You might be in a relationship or a situation in which one or more people wronged the other. If you keep holding on to resentment because of it, you are staying in a toxic environment. First, try to remove the resentment and judgement. But if you can’t seem to find a way to do that, then maybe it’s best to remove yourself from the situation altogether. 6. You are not growing and changing for the better This is similar to #4 and #5, but slightly different. If you pair up your comfort zone (habit) with a toxic situation, then you are not growing and changing for the better. The only thing worse than being stagnant is moving backwards and becoming a worse person. If you have turned into a person even you don’t like, then get out. Find a relationship or situation that brings out the best in you… not the worst in you. 7. You don’t like any current situation There are many people who are literally addicted to their pain. It’s almost like it has become their identity and they would be lost without it. But that is no way to live. Life is meant to be happy. So if you’re not enjoying your current situation, then it is alright to let go! It’s okay to leave. Really, it is. You don’t have to stay for any reason (unless you are a parent, because then you need to stay for your child). But most other scenarios in life are optional. 8. You are carrying around resentment Carrying around resentment is like drinking poison hoping the other person will die. In other words, we think that not forgiving someone is going to “teach them a lesson.” So people hang on to their anger in hopes that other people will apologize and change their ways. But many times, the person who wronged you doesn’t even know you’re carrying around resentment. Or if they do, they may not care. So the only person you are really hurting is yourself. So it’s time to let go not only of the resentment, but the person or situation as well. Letting go isn’t easy, but if you want to be happy, sometimes it’s necessary. So do yourself a favor – love yourself enough to let go. You will be better because of it. Relationships can be difficult, but they don’t have to be. One of the things that makes them difficult is when people worry obsessively over things they probably shouldn’t. What people worry about varies from person to person, but here are 8 common things that many people stress about that can ruin relationships. Think about it. Do any of these sound like you? Do you worry that … 1. Your partner might cheat. Everyone wants to be their partner’s “one and only,” right? Somewhere, deep inside (or not so deep), we think that once we’re in our relationship, our boyfriend or girlfriend won’t even notice anyone else but us. But let’s think about this for a minute. No one becomes blind to attractive people in the world just because they start dating someone. It’s pretty normal, actually. But not everyone acts on their attraction. What you need to do is work on your self-esteem so that you think that if your partner wanted to cheat on you then they don’t appreciate a quality person like yourself, and so you wouldn’t want them anyway. 2. Your partner might break up with you. Again, as I said in the first point, fearing that your boyfriend or girlfriend might dump you is rooted in low self-esteem. Plus, it’s just wasted negative energy. If you feel good about yourself, then you wouldn’t worry about them breaking up with you. You should think that you’re a real catch. Because you are! Have the attitude that your partner is lucky to have you. That way, you won’t put negative emotions out there and ruin the relationship. 3. You’re not good enough for the partner. Okay, you are going to start seeing a theme here. Self-esteem, self-esteem, self-esteem! It all comes down to having good self-esteem. If you think you’re not good enough for your partner, why do you think this? Do you think you’re too fat? Too short? Too uneducated? Too poor? Too shy? Too unattractive? And the list goes on. Well, get over it! Realize that you are good enough for your partner. I’ve heard many people say that the most attractive quality in a person is self-confidence. So, if a super model is unsure of herself, many men would find her “less attractive.” Conversely, if an average, overweight person exudes self-love and confidence, that is much more attractive. 4. Your partner is not good enough for you. Or, maybe you have too much self-esteem. Okay, I think that’s an oxymoron. But, there is a fine line between having self-confidence and being egotistical. Actually, people who come across as egotistical don’t really love themselves. They just want to appear like they do, which is why they put so much effort into having other people focus on them. However, with that said, you need to accept and love your partner for who they are. Everyone is perfect in his or her own way. But that doesn’t mean that everyone is perfect for you. If you don’t feel like the two of you are a good match, then move on! A happy relationship comes from compatibility and equality. 5.Your partner’s friends and family don’t like you. Hello? Self-esteem again? Why wouldn’t they like you? Are you a horrible person? Probably not! If they don’t like you, then one of three things are going on: (1) you really are a horrible person (probably not!), (2) they are a bad judge of character (maybe), or (3) they are just very, very different people than you are (think extrovert vs. introvert, or overly intellectual vs. not so much). And honestly, #3 is probably the most likely. If #3 is true, it’s really no big deal. So what if you’re different? If everyone was the same, then the world would be a very boring place. 6. Your partner prefers to be with other people over you. I’m not going to say it again. You know what I’m thinking (yep, self-esteem issues). Okay, so even if your partner does spend a lot of time with his or her friends, family, or at work, does that mean that they don’t love you? Absolutely not! Everyone is different! An extrovert and an introvert have a very difficult time understanding each other. Extroverts love and need to spend time with a lot of people. Often. Introverts don’t need that. So it can seem like a personal rejection to the introvert, but it’s not. It’s just that you are different. Spending time with other people does not equal rejection! 7. Your partner isn’t attracted to you anymore. This one could be based in self-esteem, or it could be that a lot of time has gone by and your partner just doesn’t seem to be as sexually responsive to you as he or she did in the beginning of the relationship. Actually, that’s not an uncommon occurrence. But don’t fret. If you have gained weight or lost sight of taking care of yourself, then do something about it! But if it’s just a natural progression through different phases of a relationship, then don’t worry about it. You will settle into a natural rhythm. If you don’t, then talk about it and meet in the middle. And if that doesn’t work for you, then move on! 8. You don’t have enough sex (or too much). As I said in #7, maybe it’s just a relationship phase. Or maybe one partner has physically changed a lot. Or maybe one partner seems like a nymphomaniac compared to the other’s sex drive. Either way, this situation calls for having an open, honest conversation. Communication is key to a good, healthy relationship. So if your sex life isn’t what you want it to be, then just talk to each other. Sharing perspectives helps clear the air and helps you both understand each other. To sum it all up, remember two things. First, love yourself! You are beautiful (or handsome) and awesome! Don’t let any worrying mess up your relationship. If you don’t love yourself, then work on your self-esteem. It can be done! And second, worrying is like praying for something you don’t want to happen. Negative energy aimed toward your partner isn’t productive. It just adds to the problem. So love yourself, embrace the positive, and be happy. I don't have a problem admitting when I am wrong. And I've never really understood why most people do. I think it shows that you have an open mind and are willing to learn. That doesn't make me better than anyone else, just different. But I want to talk about a topic where I have had to admit that I am, in fact, wrong - the topic of 'virtual friendships.' As most of you know, I am a communication professor. And because I teach people how to get along with each other, it is not surprising that I would have my students write papers about their relationships. One of the assignments is to take a relationship in their lives and analyze it - and how you can improve it. Well, I have to admit to rolling my eyes occasionally when I read some of them. I'm not proud of it. And I don't do it to be mean. You see, I roll my eyes whenever a person says something like "my boyfriend who I met in a chat room and lives in Australia ..." or "my best friend who I met on Facebook and lives in Switzerland..." When I read things like that, I always used to say to myself, "People! Those are not a real relationships! They are half way across the world! How can you possibly think they are even remotely equivalent to a REAL relationship?" That is where I stand corrected. Over the past year or so, I have met so many incredible people. And when I say "met" ... well ... *ahem* ... you guessed it. I "met" them virtually! Suddenly, I find myself in a situation that I used to think was ludicrous. A "friend" who lives half way across the world? Huh? Have I suddenly become my students? How did this happen? I have "met" people from all over the world: New Zealand, Florida, Canada, Colorado, England, California, and India, just to name a few. I have connected with these people for business reasons, but some of them have become good friends. And I can't even believe I am writing that. *Eye rolling at myself* But it's true. So, I want to share 4 things that I have learned by being in these wonderful cyber-friendships: 1. Skype is awesome. Before last June, I had never used Skype. Sure, I heard of it. I have known about it for 9 years, when some guy I was on a date with told me about it (not sure why I remember that!). But I had never used it. And the only reason I started using it is because someone from England asked me to be on his video podcast. Thank God for him, because if I hadn't learned, I might never have "met" all my other virtual friends. 2. Skype is *almost* as good as being in the same room with a person. I say almost because nothing will ever replace being in someone else's physical presence and giving them a hug. Or going to have a drink with them. Or singing a bad karaoke duet together. Those are things you can't do over Skype. But you can still sit down and have an amazing conversation and get to know someone just as well. 3. Things like the internet, social media websites, and Skype opens up your world. If it weren't for any of these, I never would have met some of the most amazing, intriguing, intelligent people in the last year. What a gift! While I may not meet them all in person (I hope I do), it's still awe-inspiring that we can talk in real time and get to know each other as if we were at happy hour together. 4. The virtual world allows you to connect with like-minded people. Don't get me wrong, I love my local friends with all my heart. But let's face it, not all of them have the same outlook on life or passions. Some are in completely different lines of work that I don't understand (such as engineering ... I wouldn't understand a word of what they're saying when they talk!) But most of my virtual friends are in similar lines of work (motivational speaking, life coaching, writing, counseling, entrepreneurs, etc). Sometimes I find that I have more in common with them than I do some of the people I've known for years. I am not implying that I think virtual friends are the exact same thing. I am still "old-fashioned." I like to see people face-to-face, give them a hug, and actually go do something with them other than sit in front of a computer. And I hope that someday I get to do what with some of these virtual friends. But meanwhile, I'm going to continue to enjoy these friends, and I look forward to seeing our relationships grow. So, if you are like how I used to be - rolling your eyes at virtual relationships - maybe you should give it a try if the opportunity arises. After all, you never what kind of amazing people YOU might meet! Unless you have been living under a rock, you have probably heard of a book called Fifty Shades of Grey. Now, I am not here to praise it as a work of literary art, nor am I here to bash it for its explicit S&M sexual messages. I want to talk about something deeper (no pun intended!). Let me just tell you that I hardly ever read fiction. I did go a phase right after college when I read a lot of Danielle Steele books, but then I got bored with them when I realized that it was the same story over and over with the names, dates, and places changed (no offense to Ms. Steele because she is laughing all the way to the bank!). But I tell you this to say that I did read the Fifty Shades of Grey books - all three of them. But probably not for the same reason as everyone else. You see, pretty much every woman I knew said to me, "OMG, Carol! You HAVE to read these books!" Usually when someone says I need to read something (or do something), I politely say "Okay, thank you for the information" and then ignore it - unless it's something that I really think I would want to do. But the sheer numbers of people who insisted I read this book was overwhelming. So that make me endlessly curious. What was the fuss all about? And ... Why was every woman in love with the main character, Christian Grey? I just had to know. I approached reading the books as more of a research project. I was trying to figure out the psychology behind the characters. And more importantly, the psychology behind every woman who fell madly in love with Christian Grey - and the whole story in general. Before I tell you what I learned, let me just give those of you who are not familiar with the story a very brief synopsis of the books. Christian Grey is a self-made, gorgeous, hot, handsome, 27-year-old billionaire (think Mark Zuckerberg but with unbelievable good looks). He is psychologically and emotionally closed off to people because he had a very rough childhood. Anastasia Steele is a virgin college student who becomes sexually and romantically involved with him. And oh yeah, and there's one more small little detail ... he has a slight preference for S&M activities. Just sayin! Not only does Anastasia manage to soften his heart, but they apparently fall "madly in love" with each other. I think you have the main idea. So here are some general conclusions that I came to after reading these books and trying to put the mysterious pieces together about what the fuss is all about. #1 - Is this what most people think REAL LOVE is? Christian Grey is highly controlling. He is highly possessive of Ana. He is jealous. He has a temper. He is moody. He is unpredictable. Is this what most people (or women) think is true love - and/or the perfect man? Does love equal control, jealousy, and possessiveness? Well, not in my world. But maybe I'm the weird one. To me, real love is kind. It is freeing. It is gentle. It is pretty much the opposite of what Christian Grey does. Emotions like needing to control, possessiveness, and jealousy are all rooted in fear - NOT love. If you are jealous or possessive, you fear you will lose that person. But our culture teaches us that these emotions equal love. And this book/movie totally affirms it. #2 - Some stereotypes hold true. We all say stereotypes are bad. And some are, but some aren't. I am not your stereotypical woman, but there are a lot of women who are (that's not necessarily a bad thing). And I am a professor who teaches about gender communication, so I am quite familiar with the gender stereotypes that we all have. But here are some stereotypes that do hold up in the movie: (1) women like strong, powerful, rich men, (2) women like to be taken care of, (3) they want to be adored by their man - basically for him to be obsessed with her. #3 - Some stereotypes do NOT hold true. Stereotypically (and historically), women "don't like sex." Or if they do, then they shouldn't admit it. And they certainly shouldn't pursue a lot of sex because then that makes them sluts. But if you ask me, the overwhelming fan base for Fifty Shades tells another story. Not only do women like sex, they like excitement. They don't always like the boring traditional routines of taking care of the house, the kids, cooking for her man, and being the perfect little woman (think June Clever of Leave it to Beaver). And apparently, they don't like boring sex either. #4 - Couples really need to put a lot more effort into working on their relationships and their sex lives. I heard a statistic the other day (I think it was on the Today Show) that said that something like 80% of the women who read the book would rather read Fifty Shades then have sex with their own partner/spouse. And I thought to myself, "OMG ... really???" I mean, the books are pretty 'exciting,' but I think it's sad that most women would like to replace their real world with a fantasy world (not that we all don't like a little escapism from time to time). So that got me thinking that perhaps more couples should work on their relationships and sex lives a little more. I'm not suggesting that they go out and buy handcuffs, rope, whips, and blind folds, but maybe putting a little more effort into their romantic life (in all aspects), would be beneficial. And that goes for both partners - they have to put in equal effort. Either that, or women will escape into romantic novels like Fifty Shades (or the TV show The Bachelor) and men will escape into porn (I know I'm stereotyping here - but you get the point). Or maybe either/both of them will find an online affair to get the excitement they need. Sadly, that seems to happen all too often these days. #5 - Your dream can come true by simply doing what you love. This insight has nothing to do with men, women, sex, relationships, or anything like that. This refers to the author herself, E.L. James. Apparently, E.L. James started writing Fifty Shades as online Twilight fan fiction (the vampire book/movie series). I think she was simply having fun in the beginning, and somehow it turned into this worldwide phenomenon. Whoa!!! Who wouldn't like THAT to happen to them, right? So what does that say to me? You can follow your passions and it can eventually turn into your career. Unfortunately, I don't think most people believe that. I have more insights I could share, but then this blog would turn into a novel (don't worry, I'm not going to turn into a novelist any time soon - I am definitely not a fiction writer!). But with that said, I do have a date with a couple of my girlfriends to go see the movie this weekend when it comes out. I promise you I will refrain from further analysis ... at least until after the movie is over. ;-) Until then ... Laters, Baby. (fans of the book will catch the humor in this line!) If you haven't seen the movie Unbroken, you should. The movie is the true story of Louis Zamperini, an Olympic track star who survived a plane crash in World War II, only to fight for his life against nature and eventually as a prisoner of war. It was powerful, painful, and most importantly, shockingly eye-opening. But that's not the reason I'm writing this blog (although I am an avid movie-goer, I'm certainly not a reviewer - although that sounds like a fun second career!). I actually have been meaning to write about this for quite some time - the concept of "normal." Most people take "normal" for granted. We are all so busy chasing the almighty dollar or looking for something "better," that we don't stop to look at what we DO have ... the "normal" things. What does "normal" mean? It means different things to different people, but basically, I am defining it as "having nothing really bad going on in your life ... especially the BIG things." Unfortunately, I know WAY too many people who have had their "normal" basically destroyed - and for some of them, it's gone forever. Here are just some of the examples. These people are either close friends, casual friends, or acquaintances of mine:
I could keep listing more, but sadly, this blog would get too long. But you get the point ... these people's "normal" is shattered ... forever. So when is the last time you appreciated "normal?" When was the last time you gave thanks for your health, your loved one's health/safety, a roof over your head and the ability to eat and digest food? When is the last time you said, "I am so thankful that everything is 'normal'?" We should even appreciate the "little" things when they are normal, too. For example, recently my house has been needing a lot of repairs. Broken toilets, leaking pipes, a garage door that is possessed and has a mind of its own, just to name a few. And every time I hear myself begin sigh with disgust and wonder "why me?" ... I quickly remind myself that "Hey, this ain't NOTHING!!" If these are my "problems" right now ... I'll take it!!" This goes beyond appreciation. We all probably give thanks when something good and out-of-the-ordinary happens to us (new job, winning the lottery, meeting our soul mate, etc). But do you ever give thanks for "normal?" I do. And you should too. Normal is can be really good. You just need to recognize that fact. Cheers to having everything NORMAL!!!! :-) |
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