Unfortunately, I know a lot of people who "don't judge people." Now, you're probably thinking to yourself, "But Carol! We shouldn't judge people! It's wrong!" Yeah yeah. I know. I actually try VERY hard not to judge people. But there is a difference between judging people and allowing their bad behavior to continue in your life.
For instance, I know someone who recently posted a song on Facebook that said it was her and her boyfriend's "song." And I thought, "Huh. Okay cool, let me listen to it." Well, here are the main lyrics of the chorus:
"Now maybe ... I didn't mean to treat you bad. But I did it anyway."
Wow. That got me thinking.
I mean, this is "their song," and it says "I didn't mean to treat you bad. But I did it anyway." Does that mean that it's acceptable to tolerate mean behavior if the person "didn't mean to," but they still did it anyway?
Now keep in mind, this person who treated her badly not only has a criminal past, but he beat her, starved her, and controlled her.
But it's "their song."
And I know someone else who was dating someone with a criminal past. Let me just say something about that: That's a red flag!!!
Now, I'm not here to judge any of these people. Actually, I feel very sorry for them and hope they receive the help they need to love themselves enough to break free from a dysfunctional relationship. But you have to recognize dysfunction first.
But you don't need to be a in a relationship with an abusive criminal to think about people's true character. I have also fallen victim to "not judging" so much that I has come back to bite me. For example, I learned that if you loaned someone money 5 years ago and they promise to pay you back ... but you are still waiting ... well, you know what I'm thinking. It ain't gonna happen! I went way too long "not judging" the person for not caring about paying me back and how that has affected me. But it sure taught me some valuable lessons.
So here are 5 of the lessons I learned about seeing someone's TRUE character:
1. Pay attention to how they have behaved in the past.
As Dr. Phil always says, "The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior." Think about it. It's so simple that it makes you go "DUH!!" Of course!! Not that people can't change, but it's kind of rare. So if you want to know what someone is like, ask them questions about their past (if you just met them). If you haven't just met them, then look at what they have done. That says it all.
2. Look at their current behavior.
They may have had a rough past. Okay, that's fine. No one is perfect! But are they taking action to change themselves for the better? Or are they still doing what they did in the past? As you can tell, this is closely related to #1. But if you're hoping that anyone is going to change so that they will be the person you want them to be, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment.
3. Do their words and actions match?
"I'll pay you back!" Oh, I've heard that one way too many times. "I won't hit you again!" I'm sure abused people have heard that too. You get the point. As the saying goes, "Actions speak louder than words." It's true. But sometimes we forget that. I know I have.
4. Watch for how they treat everyone.
Do they suck up to their rich boss but they treat the person at the drive-thru window like dirt? If so, that's a bad sign. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect ... whether you are a ditch-digger or the CEO of a major Fortune 500 company. And don't forget to watch how they treat you too. It should be in a respectful and kind manner. ALWAYS.
5. Do you hear "that little voice in your head?"
If you find yourself making excuses for their behavior and then getting a bad twinge somewhere in your body, that is probably your intuition screaming at you. Don't ignore it!! I know I have!! And it never turns out well!! If you have a bad feeing - it's probably accurate.
Well, hopefully this blog didn't sound negative. I am actually trying to help you avoid any more unnecessary heartbreak or frustration. And so I hope I have given you food for thought.
I truly hope that this helps you choose to spend your time with people who lift you HIGHER!! :)
Dr. Carol Morgan &
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