When I started my Ph.D. program at the University of Nebraska, I felt like a fraud. I mean, I knew I was smart. But this was a whole different ballgame. Not only were these people smart, but they were the smartest of the smart. The cream of the crop. Not that I’m bragging that I was among them (LOL). But seriously, I was blown away by everyone’s intelligence. Suddenly, I felt like they made some mistake letting me into the Ph.D. program. I kind of felt like raising my hand and saying, “Excuse me, are you SURE you want ME here??!?” I just kept thinking that I wasn’t sure if I could keep up with all of them …

After a while, I figured since they hadn’t kicked me out yet, then maybe I did deserve to be there. But that feeling of being a fraud didn’t go away for a long time. The reassuring part of it is that after I got to know people there, they all secretly confessed to feeling like a fraud, too. Whew!! That made me feel better. I mean, I have always had pretty good self-esteem in general, so I didn’t really like that “fraud” feeling. But I took some comfort in knowing that at least we all felt like frauds.

Fast forward about 20 years. A few days ago, I was talking to a good friend of mine who runs a company. And during one of our conversations, he mentioned feeling like a fraud. I burst out into laughter saying, “OMG you feel that way too?!?!!” Then it hit me. Maybe everyone feels like a fraud from time to time. And it doesn’t have to be in your professional life either. I kind of felt like a fraud when I had my first child. He was not an easy baby (huge understatement), so I literally cried myself to sleep in some of those early sleepless nights thinking “I can’t do this! I’m a fraud of a mother! Why am I the only one who can’t handle this?!?! Why does every other mother cry tears of joy and I’m crying tears of frustration?!?!” Almost 13 years later, and many conversations with other mothers, well, lo-and-behold, many of them felt the same way.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that no one is a fraud. And here are 3 reasons why:

1.    You’re doing it, right?

I don’t care if you’re a President/CEO of a company, a college student, a new mother, or you just won a huge award…guess what? You’re doing it! Or you DID it!! If you were a fraud, then you fall flat on your face. And you’re not. You didn’t. So you’re not a fraud.

2.    Our culture doesn’t reward schmucks.

Seriously, if you’re not doing a good job at something, then someone will let you know! You’ll either get fired, demoted, flunk out, or something to that effect. Our whole society is designed to reward greatness, so if you’ve achieved something or are currently doing something, then other people obviously thought you deserved it – and are capable of it.

3.    You’re awesome.

That’s pretty self-explanatory. You are awesome. Everyone is awesome in their own way. So pat yourself on the back and don’t feel like you’re not worthy. YOU ARE WORTHY.

To close this blog, I will tell you about my newest professional venture. I was asked to be a part of Inspiyr.com’s Expert Network. It is truly and honor and a privilege to be asked to do such a thing. This website is all about self-improvement and inspiring people to be all they can be. So that’s why I feel like I fit. But as I looked at the other experts’ biographies and websites, suddenly I felt like I was back in graduate school again. I mean, these people are ROCK STARS. Seriously – you should check them out. Just click on this sentence to see for yourself. For a short time, those fraudulent feelings started to creep in again. But this time, unlike 20 years ago, I quickly dismissed them. Hey, maybe I just don’t give myself enough credit, and maybe you don't either (although I can always count on my sisters to giggle, snort, and point at me and say, “They call you DOCTOR Morgan?!?! You’re just our little sister!!! Bahahahaha!!!”). So go ahead – toot your own horn!! You’re not a fraud!! You’re awesome!! And also check out Inspiyr.com too. It’s an amazing website where you can learn a lot. And stay tuned for some of the projects I will be collaborating on with them in the future that will also benefit YOU!!!

“Oh, you’re getting a college degree? Well, remember - Don’t think for yourself!! We don't want to hear your voice!”         

#saysoureducationalsystem

As you all know, I’m an educator. I believe in education. I came from a family who deeply values it and thinks it’s one of the most important things in life. However, I have noticed that all our educational system does is program people to be robots who regurgitate information. We don’t teach people to think for themselves. And we certainly don’t want to hear their original voices.  This is sad.

I just had a conversation with one of my best students about this several days ago. He said how frustrating it is for him to just “report” on research without his voice being allowed anywhere in the paper. I agree with him. Whole-heartedly!

I was frustrated by this as well when I was in graduate school. I remember when I wrote my doctoral dissertation, I opened a paragraph with a statement like, “Religion is a big part of the world’s history and many people’s lives.” (or something to that effect). And I remember my advisor putting a comment such as, “According to whom? Document your sources.” Even back then, I was thinking …. “WHAT?!!?!! Do I REALLY need to document that statement???? Isn’t it just common knowledge?” Apparently not. Well, yes, it is common knowledge. But I still had to go and track down someone else who said it … my voice was not sufficient. So I eventually found a random source to back me up before I was allowed to actually say it. Does anyone else find this strange?

All these years later, I am still having this issue. Recently, I have been writing articles for a company that outsources them to different reputable websites. I thought it was cool at first because they have high standards. They didn’t accept just anyone to write for them, and you had only three shots to write an article, and if you get them rejected, then they drop you. It’s pretty cut-throat! Heck, it’s almost as hard as getting a scholarly article accepted in an academic journal (and that’s very hard!). 

I have had my Ph.D. for about 17 years (gosh, that makes me feel old!! I swear, I still feel 22!). And I have taught communication at the college level for almost 20 years (if you count the years of me being a T.A.). So I think most people would probably label me an “expert” in communication, right? And I was always under the silly assumption that once you  finally claw your way out of graduate school, jump through every imaginable hoop there is, and cut every last inch of political red tape, that I would finally have the freedom to have my “expert” voice heard. 

I was wrong.

Anyway, my point is this …

They don’t want to hear my voice either.

Have I taught interpersonal communication for over 20 years? Yep. Do I know the research and the basics like the back of my hand? Yep. I could write about communication in my sleep. But am I allowed to use my own knowledge in my articles without documenting how someone else said it and not me?

No.

Why doesn’t our culture allow people to think for themselves? Why are we not allowed our own voices? You would think having a Ph.D., published academic articles, consulting /training for businesses/schools, and over 20 years of teaching experience would have earned me the right to write with my own voice.

Nope.

Please keep in mind, this is not an ego thing. Anyone who knows me would tell you that I am not attached to the title of “Dr.” or the fact that I have a Ph.D. I really don’t care if my students call me “hey you” instead of “Dr. Morgan.” This is not about my ego. It’s about freedom of expression and the ability to think for yourself.

So here’s what I want you to think about this week (pun intended) ...

Where is YOUR voice not being heard? It doesn’t have to be in a college paper or in an article for a website or journal. It can be with your spouse, children, friends, co-workers, or boss. Where are YOU not allowed to speak your mind? Think about it. And figure out why it is that way. Can you change it? If you can, then CHANGE IT!!

Speak up. Say what you need to say.

You’re valuable. And your voice should be valued, too. All of ours should, not just us “experts.” #ohwaitexpertsarenotvaluedeither

So go shout your voice from the mountaintops until you are HEARD!! You deserve it!

I know I’ll be listening to you … :)

Have a great week and thanks for reading my “voice!” I appreciate you!

******************************************************************************************************************************************

My new book, Radical Relationship Resource: A Guide for Repairing, Letting Go, or Moving On is now available on Amazon and also here on my homepage or the ‘Books’ page. I also have E-Courses now available as well. (Here’s the link for the book just in case anyone is interested!) http://www.amazon.com/Radical-Relationship-Resource-Repairing-Leting/dp/0615901468/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1382560098&sr=8-1&keywords=radical+relationship+resource

***Subscribe to my Blog on this page! Then send me an email at [email protected] and I will send you my free E-Course called, "A Crash Course in Self-Talk." It will help you analyze and get over negative things you tell yourself, about yourself. This is the first step toward positive self-growth!***

***Friend me on Facebok! https://www.facebook.com/carol.morgan.391***

You might be a bit confused by the title of this blog. No, I’m not quoting myself. I’m quoting my 10-year-old son. He came home from school about a week ago and spoke those exact words to me. But before I explain more, let me back up a few days and tell you what happened.

A couple of days before that, when he walked off the bus and through the front door, he immediately reached in his pocket and pulled out a bunch of crumpled pieces of paper and handed them to me and said, “I got notes…” And my heart stopped for a minute thinking that they’re notes from his teachers, or principal or something else bad had happened. I’m not even sure why I thought this because he is my “easy” kid. He’s a bit of a “Type-A Personality” and is very competitive, so he always does the “right thing.”

But I admit that I still had a big sigh of relief when I realized they were just “love notes” from three different girls. However, I have to admit to thinking, “Oh my! How times have changed since I was a kid! I was super afraid to call a boy and ask him to a turn-a-bout dance in high school!” Apparently, these days, girls are pretty aggressive. That makes me feel old.

But I digress…

So I knew there were several girls who liked him. And after a while, he decided he liked Valeria (not her real name) the best. However, an amusing side-note is that she always runs away from him when he tries to talk to her. He even chases after her saying, “Hey!!! Talk to me!!!” Maybe I should retract my earlier statement about girls being so aggressive…

Anyway, so a few days after that, he came home and said that one of his friends told Valeria that he liked her. At least that’s what he thought he was doing. But his friend came back and said, “She said yes!” And my son was confused, because he didn’t ask the friend to ask Valeria to be his girlfriend. Hence, the “I didn’t know it, but apparently I have a girlfriend now…” title of this blog.

I tell you this story to lead me to the lesson of this blog (as usual). I hope you had some good chuckles reading this, because to us adults, this is all super cute. However, it still represents a phenomenon that even adults are guilty of …

Drifting.

Going where the wind blows you.

Letting life take you where it wants to instead of you being the captain of your own ship.

I know so many people who do this. Are you one of them? Are you in the driver’s seat and the captain of your own vessel, or do you just drift aimlessly and can’t figure out how you got where you are or how to change directions?

My son didn’t actively choose to have a girlfriend. He simply drifted into it. I know that’s quite comical (trust me, I’ve had many, many laughs over it!). I mean, who does that, right?! But nonetheless, it’s true.

So don’t be like my son … have a plan. Actively choose what happens to you. And then have the discipline to stay the course.

Okay, that’s it for this week. I wonder what I’m going to do now … I have no plans … I hope someone will tell me what to do soon … (you know I always have to end with a little joke!) :)

Have a great week! :)

***Subscribe to my Blog on this page! Then send me an email at [email protected] and I will send you my free E-Course called, "A Crash Course in Self-Talk." It will help you analyze and get over negative things you tell yourself, about yourself. This is the first step toward positive self-growth!***

***Friend me on Facebok! https://www.facebook.com/carol.morgan.391***

My NEW book Radical Relationship Resource: A Guide to Repairing, Letting Go, or Moving On will be out SOON!!